


I Found You in the Vastness of the Sky

by adelaide_rain



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Mass Effect 1, Shepard Twins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-12-31 16:59:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 49,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12137013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adelaide_rain/pseuds/adelaide_rain
Summary: Kaidan thought the Normandy would be a dream assignment - David Anderson and Jane Shepard are Alliance legends - but everything went to hell so quickly his head's spinning. Rogue spectres, undead husks, and one of humanity's most promising colonies wiped off the map, all in their first mission.But it's not all bad. On the Citadel, he meets Commander Shepard's twin brother, John, and they have two incredible dates before John gets assigned to the Normandy and fraternisation regs come between them.The white-hot chemistry between them doesn't go away just because they're serving together, though. Between sharing a room and the endless parade of life-or-death assignments, it's getting harder and harder to resist.





	1. Chapter 1

It’s been a hell of a week. 

Kaidan knew that the Normandy’s shakedown run would be exciting, but this? This is something else. 

A devastating attack on a human colony, the geth, a turian Spectre murdered on their watch.

Yeah. One _hell_ of a week. 

Now, he's standing in Zakera Ward and staring at the arms of the Citadel reaching into the haze of the nebula. It's incomprehensibly vast, a city in space – hell, a _country_ in space. It’s – humbling, to be here, to see this incredible thing. A strange mix of the familiar and the awe-inspiringly new. On the macro level, he’s seen nothing like this, ever, but on the micro level, on the streets, despite the aliens everywhere it still reminds him a little of home. 

Beside him, Commander Jane Shepard leans on the barrier and stares out at the view. Kaidan tries not to stare at her. He still can’t quite believe he’s serving with her. She’s a legend, one of the Alliance’s very best, and everything Kaidan’s seen so far backs that up. But now she’s staring, wide-eyed and awed, and she could be mistaken for a gawping tourist if not for the N7 armour and the guns strapped to her back. It’s strangely adorable.

On his other side is Ashley Williams, the Marine they rescued on Eden Prime. He doesn’t know her that well, but she’s tough as nails and maybe even more of a badass than Shepard. She’s more restrained as she looks out at the vista, less obviously admiring. Whether she’s been here before or she’s just wary of this unknown place, he couldn’t say. 

“The council represents more races than I thought,” Shepard says, glancing around at the people around them, walking by or standing and chatting. Turians, asari, salarians – he even sees a few krogan and batarians, all in single glance. “No wonder they’re careful with newcomers.”

“They probably just want to keep everything running,” Kaidan suggests. “It has to be hard keeping all these cultures working together.”

“Or maybe they just don’t like humans.” There’s something tight in Ash’s voice as she says that, and Kaidan glances at her. Some bad experiences, maybe? 

“Why not?” Asks Shepard with a grin. “We’ve got oceans, beautiful women, this emotion called love - according to the old vids we have everything they want.”

“When you put it that way, there’s no reason they wouldn’t like you-” Kaidan catches himself, five seconds too late. Both Shepard and Ash have an eyebrow raised, and both of them look very, very amused. “I mean - us! Humans. Ma’am.” 

_Nice save, Alenko,_ he thinks as his cheeks start to burn.

“You don’t take much shore leave, do ya, LT,” Ash says, and Kaidan really would like to run and hide. 

“Alright, laugh it up Chief,” Shepard says, but there’s nothing reprimanding in her voice, nor in her expression when she looks to Kaidan. “I appreciate the thought Alenko but we’re on duty here.”

“Um - aye aye Ma’am.”

They set off; unfortunately, the ground doesn’t open up and swallow Kaidan whole. 

He should be used to being awkward as all get out – that’s been one of his defining features for over three decades. 

He didn’t mean it like that – honestly he didn’t. But also - it’s just an objective fact that Shepard’s beautiful, he didn’t necessarily mean anything by it. 

Maybe a little, but-

_Fraternisation,_ he thinks to himself sternly. _Is a bad thing._

The way he just _knows_ Ash is smirking behind him isn’t helping matters.

“Alright,” Shepard says. “Before we do anything else, let’s check out the marketplace. I want to stock up on supplies before anything else goes wrong.”

“After our luck so far, that sounds like a good idea,” Ash agrees.

Shepard opens her mouth to respond, but her omni-tool flashes up with a message. She glances at it then grins, her whole face lighting up in a way that makes Kaidan think _Fratnernisation!!!_ a little more desperately.

“My brother’s here,” she says, tapping a reply to whatever message he sent her. “In a club called Flux.” She pulls up a map app. “That’s just downstairs. What do you say to a quick break?”

“Is he cute, ma’am?” Ash asks, and god, that’s just what Kaidan needs, isn’t it, another Shepard to have a crush on?

“Oh, he’s a heartbreaker,” Shepard says. “He’s even single - but he’s also gay. Sorry, Williams.”

Williams gives an exaggerated sigh, but Kaidan might just have stood a little taller upon hearing that fact.

_You don’t even know what he looks like,_ Kaidan thinks, horrified at himself.

“I have to say I’m curious to meet your brother,” Ash says. “He was the only survivor of the attack on Akuze, right?”

“He was, but let’s maybe not mention the worst thing that’s ever happened to him.”

“Ah - sorry, Commander.”

“It’s alright. He gets it a lot, though, so I get kind of protective.”

Ash nods. “I have three sisters, ma’am. I understand that.”

Kaidan’s heard of him - Lieutenant Commander John Shepard isn’t as famous as his twin sister, but everyone’s heard of Akuze. A squad of Marines went to the settlement to protect them from thresher maws but they were ripped apart. Only John Shepard came out alive. Kaidan can't even imagine how traumatising that must be, and he's with Shepard on this one - _Jane,_ he thinks; he has to do something to tell them apart. The poor guy doesn't need reminding of that every five minutes.

“Anyway,” Jane says. “If you want, you can come with me to meet him or you can have half an hour of leave.”

“I’m curious too, ma’am,” Kaidan says, and Jane leads the way.

Flux turns out to be Kaidan’s kind of place. The music isn’t too loud, and it’s got a good atmosphere. From what he can see behind the bar the booze isn’t bad either. There’s a good mix of people here, all races, laughing and talking and drinking. A glance around doesn’t find anyone that looks like Jane, and Kaidan realises he has no idea what John Shepard looks like. Is he a redhead too? Short and tough, like she is?

“Johnny!” Jane calls, waving and striding over to a table of humans in civvies. One of them, wearing jeans and a tight black tee, stands with a grin and lets her pull him into a bearhug so tight that he winces. It’s kind of an amusing image: he’s nearly a foot taller than she is, broad-shouldered and muscular, but Kaidan knows from experience that Jane Shepard is a force to be reckoned with.

They’re grinning at each other, talking animatedly, taking up all of the others attention, and that’s a good thing because Kaidan is staring. 

He can’t help it. 

Jane’s brother – John – is… He’s gorgeous. So’s Jane, as he’s so embarrassingly admitted already, but John hits every single one of Kaidan’s buttons and want is a flash fire in his belly. The height, the stubble, the smirk; the eyes and the cheekbones and those _arms-_

He has literally everything Kaidan likes in a man.

But most of all, he can feel the spark of his biotics. Not just biotics, but complementary biotics – a nebulous idea that Kaidan’s never really been able to wrap his head around, but it’s something like this: some people’s biotics work better together than others – it means that they’d be able to join their powers to make a stronger barrier, or a more powerful combo attack. Which will be great in the field, but it also makes him think about those extranet sites that talk salaciously about the things asari do with their biotics in the bedroom, and-

_I’m in trouble,_ Kaidan thinks, as Ash leans in and whispers,

“Come on, LT, you can’t have _all_ the Shepards.”

He manages to drag his gaze away from the Commanders to glare at her, but she just smirks back at him.

Kaidan attempts to push all thoughts of it out of his head. _Either_ Shepard is off limits – they’re both superior officers. And honestly, he isn’t a teenager anymore, swimming in a sea of hormones. He’s a professional. Time to start acting like it. He straightens up-

Just as Jane brings John over, and he smiles at Kaidan, a crooked little smile and a cock of the head. His gaze lingers on Kaidan, completely ignoring Ash and _I am seriously in so much trouble,_ Kaidan thinks, because it’s pretty obvious that his instant attraction is returned.

“Hey there,” John says, his voice rich and deep and undeniably flirty.

“Hey,” Kaidan says back, smiling because he’s weak and not as much of a professional as he thought.

“Seriously, John?” Shepard – Jane – asks, amusement honey-rich in her voice, and John blinks, and looks at her with the faintest blush on his cheeks.

“Yes, Jane? I think you were about to introduce me to your crew?” He smiles at Ash, friendly, but when he turns it to Kaidan it gets a little wider, a little sexier, like he just can’t help himself.

_Am **I** that unsubtle?_ Kaidan wonders as Jane snorts and pokes John in the arm.

“You’re so bad at this, little bro.”

“Bad at what?” He says, aiming for innocent and missing by a country mile. He cracks, smiling at himself and shakes his head. “I just – can I blame it on lunchtime drinking?”

“One beer with food?” Jane laughs and shakes her head. “Nope.”

“It’s a biotic thing.”

“It’s true, ma’am,” Kaidan says. “The heightened biotic metabolism means that we get drunk much more easily than most humans. Sober up more quickly, too.”

Jane raises an eyebrow at him, clearly biting down on a smile. “That's sweet of you to stick up for him, Kaidan, but I’ve been drinking with John since we were way too young to drink. He might be a lightweight but he’s not _that_ bad.” She grins then, widely. “He just gets really, really dorky when he likes someone.”

John looks at her, scandalised, and Kaidan bites down on a smile. John wasn’t subtle, at all, but still - it’s good to have it confirmed by someone else.

“Thanks a lot, Jane.”

“You’re very welcome, John. And the guy you’re drooling over is Kaidan, Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko.”

They smile at each other and Kaidan feels kind of dorky himself. It’s been a long time since he felt like this about anyone - he doesn’t believe in love at first sight, but head-over-heels at first sight it definitely a thing, and this is definitely it. 

“I’m very pleased to meet you, Kaidan.”

“You too, Commander.”

“John, please. I’m off duty, and besides, it’d get too complicated if you call us both Commander Shepard.”

“John, then,” Kaidan says, and they smile a little wider.

“Wow,” Ash says, and Kaidan bites his lip, looking away. He really, really needs to stop embarrassing himself. “Isn’t this adorable?”

“It is,” Jane agrees, sounding pleased. “And this is Sergeant Ashley Williams, if you manage to look away from Kaidan at any point in the next decade.”

_”Jane,”_ John says again, still scandalised; Kaidan gets the idea that her teasing him is a common occurrence. “It’s good to meet you, Ashley.”

“Not as good as meeting Kaidan,” Ash says, sounding very, very amused.

“I… I do have to admit that’s been a highlight of my day,” John says, and Kaidan has to smile, he can’t do anything else.

“That’s mutual,” Kaidan says, which, considering the day he’s had, isn’t really a ringing endorsement, but still.

John pauses for a moment, looking aside, then his eyes meet Kaidan’s. “Since we’re already done the embarrassing flirting bit, how about we go get a drink sometime?”

“I’m - I’d love to, but I’m not sure if I’ll have any free time.”

“We’re on the Citadel, Alenko,” Jane says. “This is one of the safest places in the galaxy - we don’t need all hands on deck twenty four seven. You’ll have liberty. We need to do a bit more investigation, then we’re done for the day. Couple of hours, max.”

He bites his lip and she grins right back; she’s pretty clearly happy with her crew member dating her brother.

“Well, then,” Kaidan says. “Looks like I’ll be free tonight.”

“How about we meet back here in four hours, then?” John says, and lifts his arm so they can sync their omni-tools.

“That sounds like a plan.” 

They say their goodbyes and Jane leads them away, towards the Presidium and Barla Von, and Ash says, “So – we going to talk about that, Alenko?”

“We are absolutely not,” Kaidan says, and Ash titters. Jane doesn’t say anything, but she’s smiling.


	2. Chapter 2

Kaidan looks doubtfully at his reflection in the small mirror above his desk.

He didn't bring much in the way of civvies with him; he hadn't been planning on much downtime, and definitely no dates. In the end he went with jeans and a t-shirt that is tight enough to show off his muscles without being too obvious about it. With such a small wardrobe it's the best he can do, and he thinks he looks pretty good. Maybe not as good as he would've liked for a date with one of the most gorgeous guys he's ever met, but it'll have to do.

He's spent the last hour since they reboarded the Normandy in a constant state of mild panic. Is he really doing this? Going on a date with his XO's twin brother? Is it such a good idea? But then he thinks about John, about his smile and his looks and his voice, and while he's still not sure how good an idea it is, he's definitely sure it's an opportunity he can't pass up.

He runs a hand through his hair - as ever, he's completely unable to do a thing with it - then sucks in a breath.

He can do this. 

He can. 

He might even have fun.

He heads out, and sees Jane next to Joker as he reaches the airlock, and he slows. When she told him and Ash that they were done for the day, he assumed that she was, too.

"Commander?" He asks, and she turns - and grins at him.

"Nice outfit, Alenko."

Joker turns in his chair and raises an eyebrow at him. "Going somewhere?"

"He's got a date with my brother," Jane says before Kaidan can say anything, and Joker grins.

"Oh, wow. You're braver than I thought, Kaidan. You know the Commander will kick your ass if you mess up, right?"

"He’s not going to mess up, are you, Alenko?"

"Not planning on it, ma'am," Kaidan says, and he's pretty sure he's blushing. He ducks out through the airlock, making his escape while he can.

===

When he gets to Flux, John is already waiting for him, standing outside and leaning against the wall. At the sight of him, Kaidan swallows.

God, he looks good.

He's changed from before, put on a shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows and a pair of smart trousers that are very nicely tailored to show off his long legs. Kaidan's willing to put money down that his ass looks ridiculously good too. He looks fantastic, and Kaidan feels very underdressed.

As he approaches, John looks up and stares at him for a moment. His eyes widen ever so slightly and he swallows; when his eyes meet Kaidan’s, the hunger in them stills his worries. He might be underdressed but it seems he has John’s approval.

"Hey there," Kaidan says, and John smiles at him, pushing up off the wall and walking over.

"Hey yourself. I was a little worried you might change your mind - that Jane pushed you into it."

"Well - I probably wouldn't have asked my XO's twin on a date without being pushed, no matter how gorgeous he is." John grins at the compliment. "But I'm glad she did."

"Me too. So - shall we?"

They head inside. It's busier than it was earlier, but they find a table near the window. The atmosphere is still relaxed and friendly, and the woman who takes their drinks order greets them with what appears to be a genuine smile - or a good fake one, at least.

"I don't think I'd ever get tired of that view," Kaidan says, gesturing at the windows. "I've seen a lot over the years, but this is something else."

"It is. I spent quite a bit of time at Arcturus, growing up and then training, but this blows that out of the water."

"You're a spacer?"

John nods, then pauses as their server brings them their beers. He takes a swig before continuing. "Jane hasn't told you?"

"With everything that’s been going on, we've not really had time to chat."

"That's probably in my favour - she's not had chance to tell you about my bad side yet."

Kaidan laughs and looks at him across the table. In the low light, with the purplish glow from the nebula casting interesting shades and shadows on his face, he looks gorgeous. "Do you have a bad side?" He asks, and hears his voice a little deeper, a little rougher; sees John's smile grow a little wider in response.

He sits back, cocks his head and smiles, crooked and deeply sexy. "I can be a little naughty, when I'm in the mood for it."

"And are you?” Kaidan asks, not quite believing that he’s doing this. “In the mood?"

"Since the minute I saw you."

Kaidan bites his lip and takes a gulp of his beer. It's been a while since he flirted with anyone and he's never been all that good at it, but with John it comes naturally.

"Ah - sorry," John says. "Was that too much? I'm not very good at this. "

"No! It's good. You're good. We're good. I just - it's been a while."

"Yeah, me too. Military life isn't very conducive to dating."

"Yeah, exactly."

"So - not to talk shop but I'm curious about your biotics," John says. "I mean, there's a lot of us in the Alliance but we're thinly spread. It's been a while since I met another human biotic."

"What do you want to know?"

"What’s your specialty?"

"Sentinel. I wanted to be more well-rounded, have something to offer other than biotics. Plus, I’m a bit of a tech geek. You?"

"Vanguard." Which, now that he thinks about it, Kaidan isn't entirely surprised about. Jane's the kind of fighter to rush in, to take everyone out before the enemy has the chance to react - it makes sense that her brother fights the same way. "I want to get in there, have the bad guys concentrating on me so that the rest of my squad stays safe, you know?”

Kaidan thinks about what he’s heard about Akuze; fifty marines went in, John was the only one who came home. He thinks about what that must have done to John. “I always thought a Sentinel and a Vanguard would work well together,” he says. “You’d be there on the front line – I’d support you from the back. I’ve never had chance to work with another biotic in the field, though.”

“Me neither. But what with this being a date and all, I feel like I should make some kind of innuendo about working with a biotic in bed.”

Kaidan laughs and ducks his head. “I, ah – I might have seen something about that. On the extranet.”

John leans a little closer, meeting his eyes and grinning. “Do tell.”

Biting his lip, Kaidan reaches for John’s hand and just for a moment, lets his barrier dance over John’s body, making his eyes widen and flash blue. He gives a broken groan and Kaidan lets the barrier drop, trying to ignore the way that little groan went straight to his dick – that, and the way John is looking at him with a crooked smile.

“I-“ He clears his throat. “I had no idea someone else’s barrier could feel so good.”

“I hear it’s even better if, uh – without clothes,” Kaidan says, then quickly, “Not that I’m saying we should try that tonight. But – you know. Maybe after the third date.”

“Oh, definitely after the third date,” John laughs, then, after a moment, does the same right back to Kaidan, and he gasps at the sparks of someone else’s biotics dancing over his skin – familiar, but different enough to be exciting. And he can _definitely_ see how being naked would aid things.

John drops the barrier and glances over Kaidan’s shoulder. “The bouncer’s frowning at us – I think we’d better stop with the biotics before we get kicked out.”

“Wouldn’t _that_ be a great start to our first date.”

“It’s already got off to a great start,” John says, and Kaidan can’t help but grin at that.

Fortunately they don’t get kicked out, and the great start continues throughout the night. Kaidan likes John, a lot. He’s funny and thoughtful, a good listener. Smart, witty, with a dry sense of humour that’s exactly the kind Kaidan likes. 

More than once, their hands meet over the table – no biotics, but there are sparks enough without them. Whenever their eyes meet, Kaidan feels a little breathless, his belly tingling – it’s been a long, long time since he liked anyone the way he likes John. And with the way John’s looking at him, he’s pretty sure it’s mutual.

After they settle their bill, John offers to walk Kaidan back to the Normandy. Kaidan nods, more than happy to spend a little more time with him. Despite his reservations about a date with his XO’s brother, this has gone well, very well, and he's feeling warm and happy as they set off; happier still when John nonchalantly takes his hand.

The Wards are busy, too busy for Kaidan's taste, but while he has John with him he can't mind too much. They talk; about the Citadel, about previous postings, about favourite food and favourite places. Little bits of nothing, but it’s easy and comfortable.

"I gotta say," John says as they walk out onto the dock and see the arms of the Citadel stretching out before them, stretching out into the nebula, "I think this is one of my new favourite places."

"It's beautiful," Kaidan says, managing not to embarrass himself this time, but he is looking at John as he says it. Fortunately he's looking at the view, still, though he turns to Kaidan with a smile, and steps a little closer.

"I had fun tonight, Kaidan."

"Me too, John. I'm glad Shepard talked me into it."

"Bullied you into it," John laughs, shaking his head.

"It's not - I wanted to. I just needed a little push. I mean, you are my XO's twin brother, and I’m in the middle of a dangerous mission. But it's been nice, real nice. I'm glad we did this."

John smiles and cocks his head. "Does that mean you want to do this again?"

 _If I have time,_ Kaidan thinks, but his mouth knows better and is already saying, "Yes." 

He's feeling a little breathless as John steps closer, god he's gorgeous, those stormy eyes, those cheekbones, that stubble. Before he really knows what he's doing he's lifting a hand, running his thumb over John's jawline, making him smile.

"I'd really like to kiss you," John says, voice gone a little deeper, breathing a little harder, and Kaidan wants him, wants him like he's not wanted anyone in a long time.

"Please," he says, and pulls him in.

The kiss starts soft, lips brushing against lips, John’s stubble scraping against Kaidan's chin. It makes him shiver and he moves closer without really thinking about it, pressing their bodies together, putting a hand on John's hip. When he opens his mouth John takes the invitation, tongue sliding against his, and all Kaidan can think is _yes, yes._

It's John who pulls away and he looks at Kaidan, breathing quickly, smiling wide. "As fun as this is, this probably isn't the place for it - I know for a fact Jane will be watching from the ship."

"What?" Kaidan says, eyes widening as he looks at the Normandy, then away again. Of course she is, and Ash, too - they probably asked the VI to let them know when he approached and have been watching this whole thing over the security feeds. They’ve probably got popcorn and everything. He feels his cheeks burn, and John frowns.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you. If this is too weird, me being Jane's brother-"

"No! No- I mean, it is a _little_ weird and I'm not really looking forward to the roasting when I board the ship, but-" Kaidan swallows away his nerves and meets John's eyes. "I like you, John. A lot."

"Good. Because I like you, too. How about we do this again tomorrow, since we don't know how long you're going to be on the Citadel?"

"Tomorrow," Kaidan agrees. "I can send you a message when I'm free."

"And I'll figure out somewhere for us to go."

They nod, plan made, and then look at each other for a moment before stepping forward at the same time for a sweet kiss that's more of a promise than anything else.

"Next time," Kaidan says, "Let's do this bit before we get to the docks."

"Yeah. I'd like that. A lot." John steals one more kiss then steps back, looking pleased with himself. "Til tomorrow, then. Sweet dreams, Kaidan."

"You too, John."

Kaidan watches him go, and his gaze may or may not fall to appreciate John's _very_ nice ass as he walks away. He lifts a hand to wave when John looks back before stepping into the elevator, and they look at each other for a handful of seconds, long enough for Kaidan's heart to start racing.

 _I've got it bad,_ he thinks, and bites his lip. It's been a long time, a damn long time since he felt like this about anybody. Like he wants to run and grab John, drag him onto his bunk and not let him go until-

Well. He can't, so there's not much point thinking about it. At least not until he's alone and can enjoy the thoughts properly.

For now, he watches John get into the elevator, they share one last smile before the doors close, and Kaidan turns to the Normandy with a sigh.

_Time to face the music._

The music comes in the form of a round of applause the instant he steps through the airlock, from Ash, Jane and - god, Joker's in on it too, fan _tas_ tic.

Jane steps forward and claps him on the shoulder so hard it makes his teeth rattle.  
"Looks like the first date went well."

"It did, thanks Commander."

"Really well, LT," Ash says with a wink.

Kaidan gives a heavy sigh, but he's smiling, too. He already liked them, but this easy camaraderie that they've slipped into so easily is nice.

"But banging the XO's brother - is that not, like, some weird form of incestuous fraternisation?"

"We're not _banging,_ Joker," Kaidan says, aghast, and Ash jabs him with her elbow.

"No but you want to, that was pretty damn clear."

"Can you all stop now, please? Yes, we had a nice date, yes, I like him a lot, and I don't know about the fraternisation." He looks up at Jane, who shrugs.

"He’s not part of the crew," she says, and squeezes his shoulder a little too tightly, and jabs at his chest with a finger. "But I am going to take this opportunity to get all protective-big-sister on you and say that if you hurt my brother, you'll regret it." There's a look in her eyes that belies her teasing tone. She means it, every word, and Kaidan doesn’t doubt for a moment that she can follow through on her threat.

"Understood, Commander."

"Now get out of here so we can gossip behind your back."

Kaidan takes the dismissal gratefully and flees to his room.

Pressley’s not there, thankfully. He mentioned something about meeting up with a old friend on the Presidium, which is fine by Kaidan. After everything that’s happened tonight, he’s more than happy to have a little time alone.

He checks over the duty roster for tomorrow - since they're docked, there's not much for the Marines to do, so he assigns them drills for the day. There's no telling what they're going to be facing what with Saren and the geth, not to mention those husk things, so they need to be in top form, ready for anything.

Only then, once he's finished, does he let his thoughts turn to the date. When they do, he smiles. It was fun. A lot of fun. He thinks of John reaching across the table to take his hand, of their lips touching...

He bites his lip, and concentrates on getting ready for bed.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, there’s no time for teasing. They’re on the trail for Garrus Vakarian, the C-Sec officer who was looking into Saren. He might know something - he _must_ know something - and they need to find him.

They get a tip that Garrus knows a Dr Michel who runs a clinic on Zakera Ward, and that she might know where he is. It’s the only lead they’ve got, so they have to follow it.

“Okay,” Jane says as they reach Dr Michel’s clinic. “The doctor here should know where to find Garrus Vakarian. We’ll take it easy - we don’t want to scare her.”

“Full armour and a whole bunch of weaponry is always soothing, I find,” Ash says. From from what Kaidan knows of Ash, that’s probably true. She’s the kind of woman that sleeps with an assault rifle like some people sleep with teddy bears. 

Jane hits the button to open the door-

Guns, lots of guns. 

Men with guns, and one of them grabs the doctor the moment they see Jane's squad.

Kaidan’s about to use his biotics to pull him away from Dr Michel, but Garrus gets there first - he’d been hiding somewhere, and he puts a bullet right between the goon’s eyes.

Which is when everything goes to hell.

There’s a firefight, brief but intense, and when it’s all over, half a dozen mooks are laid out on the floor, and Dr Michel is pressed into a corner, looking around with wide eyes. Jane turns to Garrus.

“What were you thinking?” She snaps. “You could’ve hit the hostage!”

“There wasn’t time to think, I just reacted,” Garrus says. “I didn’t mean to-”

But Michel is fine, thankfully, though she’s shaking and shocky.

“Why don’t you take a seat,” Kaidan says in a soft voice, gesturing at her desk. “I’ll get you some water, and you can take a moment to gather your thoughts.”

Taking a gulp of the water, she takes a few steadying breaths to collect herself, then tells them about a quarian with a gunshot wound and secrets to tell.

“All signs point to this Fist guy,” Ash says, and Jane nods.

“That krogan we saw at Chora’s Den - wasn’t he talking about Fist too?”

“Looks like it’s Fist’s unlucky day,” Garrus says, checking his omni-tool. “Apparently there’s a krogan named Wrex in C-Sec talking about our good friend Fist. Probably the same guy. Shall we go and say hello?”

“Yeah,” Jane says. “I think we should.”

===

For their second date, they go to a casual Japanese place, a counter tucked into a quiet corner of level 26 where they have a good view of the comings and goings of Zakera Ward.

And while the ramen looks good, the company is better.

He and John sit at the far end of the counter. It’s better for privacy, and for people watching.

“I have to admit, I’ve been a little distracted all day,” Kaidan says, looking at John out of the corner of his eye. “Thinking about last night - I had a really good time.”

“Me too. I hope Jane didn’t rib you too badly.”

Kaidan laughs. “Well, you were right about her watching. But no - it wasn’t too bad. Embarrassing, definitely, but ah - she seems to approve.”

“Good to know.” John shakes his head, and takes a drink of beer. Kaidan watches the movement of his Adam’s apple as he swallows, and he licks his lips before dragging his eyes back to the menu. This is - he can’t think of the last time he wanted someone the way he wants John. He’s not sure if he’s _ever_ had such an immediate, visceral reaction to someone, certainly not since he was a teenager. And the kiss last night - it’s only made him want him more. “And since you agreed on a second date - I’m guessing you approve, too?” There’s a hint of uncertainty in John’s voice, and Kaidan smiles at him. After a second, he reaches over to take John’s hand.

“I really do.”

They order, and John tells him about a couple of places on the Citadel that are worth a visit, if he gets the chance.

“You’ve been to the Citadel a lot?” Kaidan asks.

“Not a lot, but I was posted here for a few months after Akuze. I’d already done the therapy and been signed off as fit for service; it felt like they kept me here to be on the safe side. But I enjoyed it. It was a change, and it’s so different to serving on a ship, or Arcturus. It’s so busy, and there are always different faces - different challenges, too. One week I’d be helping guard some members of the human parliament visiting the Council; another I’d be spending time with C-Sec to hash out co-working agreements. Very different to being on the front line, but it was a nice change of pace.”

“You didn’t want to stay?”

“Nah. For those few months, it was just what I needed - easing back into it, you know? Even the boring bits helped - it meant I was raring to go when I got my next posting.”

“Where was that?”

“SSV Rome. Exploration. Similar stuff to what Mom and Dad did when me and Jane were kids.”

“I feel like you could give me some great blackmail material.”

“I could, if Jane had any shame,” John snickers. “Anything embarrassing that I told you, she’d eagerly agree. Probably show you holos.”

The ramen _is_ good, but sitting with John makes it a lot better. That easy camaderie between the two of them is still there; there’s little of the nerves that usually come with the first few dates. He’s _comfortable_ with John, and, he thinks, John with him. They talk, they smile, they touch each other’s forearms and hands. There’s lots of flirty looks, and if Kaidan sometimes gets a little dorky, well, he supposes John should know what he’s getting into. He gets a little carried away talking about omni-tools and John just smiles at him, not mocking, but fond, and it makes Kaidan’s heart beat a little faster.

“Let’s walk,” John suggests after they’ve eaten and paid, and when Kaidan agrees, John takes his hand. He does it almost nonchalantly, if not for the way he smiles when Kaidan slots their fingers together.

Zakera Ward is a pretty amazing place, drenched in artificial light and neon at all hours of the day. There’s no pretence of a day-night cycle like there is on the Presidium, and everyone here seems to keep their own time. It means commuters in work wear weaving their way through drunk partiers staggering out of clubs, breakfast places and bars that never close, and crowds everywhere, always.

“I still can’t believe this place,” Kaidan says. “It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen.”

“It’s pretty amazing,” John says. “All these different cultures coming together and making a culture all the Citadel’s own. Or – it’s more specific than that. This is a Zakera Ward culture – it’s nothing like the Presidium here. The other Wards are just as different.”

“They’re like different cities. Like different _countries_. It’s incredible.”

“I still find it a bit overwhelming,” John says as they approach a barrier looking out on a busy highway with skycars zipping around each other. “I’m used to ships with crews a few hundred strong at most. This many people – I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“It reminds me of Vancouver, a little,” Kaidan says. “Or New York, maybe. But even more so. Bigger and brighter and busier.”

“I don’t have too much experience of cities,” John says. “I was eighteen by the time I spent more than a few days on a planet. After we signed up, me and Jane spent the first few part of our military training on Earth, and-“ He breaks off in a laugh and looks away. “This is, um – it’s a little embarrassing. But I couldn’t hack it. The gravity, and the _size_ of everything, how solid it all was. I had a few panic attacks before I got used to it.”

“I was the same,” Kaidan says. “The first time I left Earth, the artificial gravity and the lack of anything solid just weirded me out. It took me about a month to get used to it.”

“How old were you?”

Kaidan glances at him. He doesn’t want to talk about Jump Zero – it’s not exactly the kind of easy, flirty subject that second date conversations should be made of. And the mistakes he made there are things he’s not exactly proud of; not secrets, but not the sorts of things he wants to lay out front and centre at the start of a relationship. 

“Fourteen,” he says, and is glad when John nods but doesn’t ask anything more about it.

They gaze out at the skycars for a moment, then John turns to look at him with a soft smile, and suddenly all Kaidan can think about is last night, John’s body against his, the taste of his mouth. It was more than worth the grief from Ash and Jane.

He’d very much like to try again.

“So,” John says, looking at him out of the corner of his eye, a smile tugging at his lips. “How about tonight we say a proper goodbye before we head over to the docks?”

Kaidan bites his lip and smiles at John. “As long as by ‘say goodbye’ you mean something like last night, then hell yeah.”

“I definitely do. I almost wish we had somewhere we could go for… Something more.”

“Only on the third date, John,” Kaidan says, and John laughs, moving a little closer and sliding his hand around John’s waist.

“Oh, yeah. I forgot.” He bows his head. “Not that I’m exactly the easiest guy in the world, but - I really like you, Kaidan. In all kinds of ways.”

“I really like you too, John.”

They stare at each other, then look away, smiling. John catches his hand again. “I know somewhere we can go,” he says, and Kaidan raises an eyebrow, but he lets John lead him away.

They go down a few levels and end up in a place called the Dark Star. Kaidan’s not a huge club guy but he doesn’t mind this place. The music isn’t too loud, the clientele seems to be having fun rather than getting raucous, but best of all is the booth that John pulls him into. The seatbacks are tall, creating a barrier between them and the rest of the club, and giving them some privacy.

A server comes to get their orders, and once he’s brought them he leaves them alone. Kaidan is suddenly very aware of how close they’re sitting, of John pressed all against his side, of his body heat and even the woody, spicy scent of his cologne. It makes Kaidan’s mouth dry, and he takes a gulp of beer - before noticing John staring at his lips as he licks a drop of beer from them-

And then they’re kissing, as hungry as Kaidan’s ever been, John’s mouth on his, tongue in his mouth, hands everywhere - on his waist, ducking under the hem of his shirt, skin on skin, and both of them moan and try to move closer. It’s not possible in this booth, there’s not enough room, so they settle for kisses that are promises of what might happen on that third date, what _will_ happen, there’s no way that they’re going to be able to resist this chemistry between them. By the time they pull away they’re both breathing hard and aching for more. It would be so easy, wouldn’t it, to throw aside what he said about waiting for a third date, to go and find a hotel somewhere. But Kaidan is a Sentinel, and he has more self-control than that.

 _And just think how much better it’ll be if we wait,_ he thinks, sitting back and then adjusting his jeans in a not-at-all-subtle way, grinning at the way John stares.

“You’re going to kill me, Alenko.”

“I hope not, John. At least not until that third date.” Kaidan pauses, then winces. “That - was not supposed to sound like I’m some kind of serial killer. I’m not, I promise.”

John laughs, loudly, then kisses him again. “Smooth, Lieutenant.”

“Laugh it up, Commander.”

They finish their drinks, and there’s some more kissing, though they take it slower, take it easier. And that’s nice, too, as is the holding hands as John walks him back to the docks again.

This time the kiss is almost chaste - but not quite - and they linger for a moment, arms around each other and smiling.

“So - do you think you’d be up for a third date tomorrow?” John asks, and Kaidan is a little embarrassed with how quickly he says,

“Yes, definitely.” A pause. “I mean - depending on work, but-”

John kisses him again before he can embarrass himself anymore. “Then let me know. Since the Columbus is grounded, all I’ve got to do is paperwork and calibrations. I’ll make myself free whenever you are.”

“Then - I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow,” John agrees, and with one last kiss, he heads to the elevator. Kaidan watches him go, feeling warm and happy, and full of hope for what tomorrow might bring.

When he boards the Normandy, Jane is in the cockpit, but she appears to be talking to Joker rather than waiting for him. She does give him a grin and a thumbs up when he boards, though, and Kaidan gives her a smile and a nod.

It might be strange dating his XO’s brother, but considering how well the dates are going, it’s more than worth it.


	4. Chapter 4

This last week has been a whirlwind, but today has been more eventful - and incredible - than the rest of the week put together.

They find Tali, the quarian, with data recovered from a geth that implicates Saren so strongly that not even the Council can ignore it. Then they make Jane a Spectre, _then_ they give her command of the Normandy.

The way she stares at Udina and Anderson when they tell her makes Kaidan think she’s as overwhelmed by all of this as he is.

It only takes her a moment to nod and get her head in the game though. Once Udina’s gone, Jane looks at Kaidan, then turns to Anderson.

“If I’m commanding the Normandy, I have a request for another crew member.”

“Of course. You have someone in mind?”

“My brother.” Anderson’s eyebrows raise, and Kaidan stares at her. She flashes him an apologetic look before turning back to Anderson. “He’s the best damn soldier I know. You were considering him for XO of the Normandy - and I assume Spectre status - before you chose me, so he’s one of the best soldiers _you_ know, too.”

“That’s true, Shepard, but-” Anderson sighs, and shakes his head. “Well, you’re a Spectre and Alliance regs don’t apply any more, but fraternisation is against the regs for a reason.”

“I know. But considering the situation - considering what we’re up against - I want the best crew I can get. Since John’s right here on the Citadel and being wasted with the Columbus in dry dock-”

“Alright, Commander,” Anderson says, lifting his hands in defeat. “You’ve made your point. I’ll speak to Alliance Command straight away. Get them to approve a leave of absence.”

“One thing, Captain - I want it to be his choice, though, not an order.”

“Understood, Shepard. I’ll see what I can do.” With a nod, he strides off, and Jane turns to face Kaidan.

“I’m sorry, Lieutenant. I know you and John really hit it off. If you want to - I mean, I’m ignoring the whole fraternisation thing, so if you want to-”

“Let’s - let’s just see what his decision is first,” Kaidan says, not sure what to even _start_ thinking about all of this - about Anderson being booted out, about Jane wanting John on her crew, about any of it.

She looks at him for another moment, then nods. “Let’s go see what he says.”

===

Docking bay E5 is vastly different to the Normandy’s docking bay. Given the huge size of a cruiser, there’s no way it could dock directly. Instead, it’s connected via a docking tube, with the ship itself at a distance from the Presidium ring. Even from here, the damage to the vessel is obvious, huge holes in the hull being worked on by teams of engineers in pressure suits.

As they approach, they see John in profile, frowning at something on his omni-tool. He’s wearing his uniform, and he looks _good_. Kaidan’s always been appreciative of an attractive person in an Alliance uniform, but John is something else. Ash nudges him with her elbow as they approach, and raises a suggestive eyebrow; she is far too good at reading his expressions. He can’t help it, though; the way the shirt clings to his chest and shoulders, the curve of his ass in the trousers.

 _Be professional,_ Kaidan tells himself, but all the reminder really does is make his heart feel heavy. Things were going so well. Kaidan likes John, more than he’s liked anyone for a long time. The easy camaraderie, the flirting, not to mention the kissing. But now, if they’re going to be working side by side, Kaidan’s not sure he wants to go down that route. The Commander might be comfortable with fraternisation, but he’s not sure he is.

“John!” Jane calls, and his head snaps up from his omni-tool. He closes the interface and walks over.

“Jane - I just got a message from Alliance Command about joining the Normandy.”

“Yup.”

“Which you’re going to be commanding.”

“Yup.”

He stares at her some more, and she pulls him aside. She gives him the condensed version of events, and he shakes his head in disbelief.

“If I’m going into this, I want the best. And you’re the best,” she says, and he gives her a lop-sided smile.

“Thanks. But - what about the whole _we’re twins_ thing?”

“I’m a Spectre now - franternisation doesn’t apply. Not to me, anyway. But I know you’re-” she pauses. “A stickler, sometimes.”

“Only sometimes?” He asks, and shakes his head, but he’s smiling. He looks up at Kaidan, and the smile falters. He sighs, and looks up at the Columbus for a long moment. “I don’t know, Jane. I have to think about this. Hopping post is always a big deal, but this – serving under my sister; a rogue Spectre; the geth – it’s a big deal.”

“I know, John. That’s why I asked Anderson to make it a choice rather than an order.”

“How long do I have?”

Jane shrugs. “I need to finish up some things before we leave, so – call it three hours.”

“Three hours,” he says flatly, then runs a hand over his head. “Right. Got it. I need to go speak to my CO and – think.”

“I’ll come by the Columbus when we’re ready. Whatever you decide, I’ll see you soon, Commander” she says with a smile, and salutes him. He straightens up – nearly a foot taller than she is, and a couple of inches taller than Kaidan - and salutes her back.

“And I’ll have a decision for you, Commander.”

They head out of the docking bay, then Jane turns to Ash and Kaidan.

“Alright,” she says. “We’ve got a couple of hours before we’re getting out of here. I’m giving everyone shore leave. Stock up on supplies, make some calls – whatever you need to do. This mission is probably going to get messy, and I doubt we’ll get much free time once we get started.”

“Understood, ma’am,” Ash says. “I think I’ll call my family. It’ll cost a fortune, but…” She shrugs.

“Me too,” Kaidan says. Who knows how long this mission will take, or just how _messy_ it’s going to get. This could be the last chance for a real-time call in a long time.

There’s a galactic comms station on Zakera Ward, so he and Ash head there together as Jane heads to the embassies to talk to Udina and Anderson.

“So,” Ash says. “Looks like your boyfriend is going to be part of the crew.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Kaidan says, and sighs. “And if he’s going to be part of the crew, he's not going to be any time soon.”

“The Commander said she didn’t care about fraternisation.”

 _“I_ do. If John joins the Normandy – well, he’s a superior officer. I don’t want anything to muddy the waters.”

Ash looks at him. “You really like him, don’t you?” He nods. “I’m sorry, LT. That’s a hell of a situation to be in.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan says, and sighs.

The galactic comms place is busy, full of people of every race. There’s a salarian at the counter, handing out tokens for the various comms devices at an admirable pace. Ash and Kaidan look at the price list and try not to wince. Despite the high prices, it’s a hell of a lot cheaper and more reliable than trying to make a call on an omni-tool. There’s a choice of vid or audio only, and after seeing the prices, both Ash and Kaidan quickly choose voice only.

With a nod, both of them go to find an empty console. It’s old but reliable tech, the sort of stuff that’s been in use for a century, and will probably outlast Kaidan. He thinks for a moment about what time it’ll be in Vancouver - late, he thinks, but not too late. Despite his parents saying that he can call anytime, if he needs to, he’d really rather not phone at 4am if he can help it. Entering their number, he waits for them to pick up. 

“Hey, Dad,” Kaidan says, and there's a pause, nothing to do with the half-second delay.

“Kaidan? Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, Dad, it's fine. I'm fine.”

“I saw on the news about your XO, Shepard - they've made her a Spectre?” He sounds incredulous, and he barely knows the half of it. Kaidan rubs his eyes - just thinking about everything that's happened over the past few days is exhausting.

“Yeah. I can't say much over an open comm channel, but I think you can guess that this mission is going to get pretty dangerous, so I – I wanted to say hi to you and mom while I have the chance.”

Another pause. “Let me go get your mom.”

After reassuring them both that he's definitely fine, and yes, a real-time call is expensive, and yes, he's fine paying for it, they tell him about home. His mom’s started teaching at UBC and she's loving it. Dad’s heading out to the vineyard next week with Kaidan’s uncle, and they're going to be upgrading some of the equipment. It's normal, boring stuff, and right now that's exactly what Kaidan wants to hear. Life goes on back home, no matter what crazed rogue Spectres are up to out here - and it's Kaidan's job to make sure it stays that way.

“Sweetheart,” his mom says, and Kaidan can hear the strain in her voice. “We should let you go. But we're so proud of you. Be careful, okay? We love you. Send messages when you can.”

“Will do,” Kaidan promises. “Love you both.”

“You too, son,” his dad says, stoic as ever, but even that makes Kaidan smile.

He stretches and gets up from the console. Looking over, he sees Ash is still talking away - but then, she's got three sisters. No doubt she's got a lot to catch up on. She glances up and returns his wave, then Kaidan heads out.

He wanders to the markets on Zakera Ward, thinking to stock up on a few things, but he ends up staring out of the windows. Just a few days ago he was here with Jane and Ash, making a fool of himself by calling his XO beautiful. Now he's halfway to falling for her brother, and if he joins the crew, he can't have him.

Part of him idly wishes they'd at least had that third date, and he shakes his head, smiling at himself. _Priorities, Alenko._

Even if he doesn't join the crew, it's still going to be a while until they get that third date, and Kaidan's half tempted to message John and see if they can squeeze in that third date - and what comes after - before the Normandy heads out. But no; he's not that selfish. Whatever John's decision, he's got a hell of a lot to think about before he makes it. He doesn't need Kaidan pressuring him.

He goes down to the market to grab a few upgrades, and after some consideration, gets some chocolate from the overpriced human food store. He loves the stuff, but he’s been on enough tours of duty to know that it’s one of the best things to barter with. Weeks or months into a mission with nothing but bland MREs and protein bars, and chocolate is worth its weight in cred chits.

When his omni-tool beeps with a message from Jane to meet up at the Columbus, he sighs, and signs for his purchases to be sent to the Normandy. He meets Jane and Ash at the entrance to the markets.

“He’s only said that he’s made a decision, not said what the decision is,” Jane says, and gives a tight smile. “Always did like a bit of drama.”

When they get to the _Columbus,_ John Shepard is waiting for them, armoured and armed, a footlocker at his feet. His armour, like Jane’s, is N7, the distinctive red-and-white stripe and all. Weapons – light SMG and shotgun – are fitting for a Vanguard specialist. Also? The whole get up is _extremely_ attractive.

Kaidan keeps his expression calm, neutral, but he still can’t help smiling when John confirms he is indeed joining the Normandy and Jane whoops before pulling him into another bone-crushing hug.

“I knew I could count on you,” she says fiercely, and Kaidan sees for the first time the fear, the worry under her confidence. Like John said – this is a big deal, maybe the biggest. “When we get to the Normandy, we’ll talk about how to deal with the whole fraternisation thing-“

Kaidan and John’s gazes meet, then dart away. _She wasn’t talking about us, she wasn’t talking about us!_

“-since it’s not exactly standard to have a brother and sister working together like this,” she ends, though a note of amusement has entered her voice, and Kaidan is very sure she saw that glance.

A transport not takes John’s footlocker to the Normandy, while the four of them walk together.

Jane gives John the full sitrep, and he frowns, asking questions, making observations. Kaidan's a little surprised by just how sharp he is. He grasps the complicated situation immediately, makes connections that Kaidan hadn't even considered, and that, it turns out, is a pretty huge turn-on.

Pushing the thoughts away, they get into the elevator to the docks.

“Oh,” Jane says, glancing over her shoulder at Kaidan. “Since Pressley’s next in the chain of command, he'll be getting the XO’s stateroom, and you'll have a spare bunk. Are you and John okay sharing?”

Kaidan and John look at each other, and for all the reasons it might be a terrible idea, Kaidan can't bring himself to say that out loud.

“Fine with me, ma'am.”

Joker’s already in his seat when they board, and he turns to look at the newcomer with a raised eyebrow. “How many new crew mates are you planning on, Commander?”

“He's the last, for now anyway. Joker, this is Commander John Shepard. My twin brother.”

Joker blinks. “You don’t look much like twins.”

“That’s _definitely_ the first time we’ve heard that,” Jane says drily, and pats John’s shoulder. “I’m going to grab the rest of our motley crew, and then we’ll have a debriefing to introduce everyone.”

John nods, and Jane strides down the CIC. 

"Wait," Joker says, looking from John to Jane’s retreating back. "So we now have two Commander Shepards onboard? Commanders Shepard?"

"Just call me John; it'll make things easier."

Joker shrugs. "Alright. So, you here officially, or...?"

"Officially, I'm on leave from the SSV Columbus and have been asked to assist a Council Spectre," John says. "Figured it was best to give the Alliance an out, if they need it."

"Yeah, well, they might be happy about that by the time we're done."

"Alright, everyone's ready in the briefing room," Jane says over their comms. "Come introduce yourself."

Pressley looks unhappy at John's presence, though his expression improves a little when John explains he's not here as Alliance and wants nothing to do with the chain of command.

“Don't worry - you still get the XO’s quarters,” Jane says, and Pressley putters a denial that none of them believe.

Garrus, Wrex and Tali are introduced too, and they get much more of a response than John does - something Kaidan is pretty sure he's happy about. He's not the kind of guy to appreciate big deals being made about him.

"So," Kaidan says when Jane dismisses them. "Shall I show you to your quarters?"

 _"Our_ quarters?"

"Yeah. Exactly."

Kaidan's still not sure how he feels about sharing a room with John, still not sure he shouldn't have taken Jane up on her offer to find them both different bunk mates - ones they weren't breathlessly making out with the night before and jerking off to.

But as well as the attraction there's a clear bond growing between them, a blossoming friendship, and Kaidan's also pretty sure John is going to be the perfect roommate for him. They're both quiet and respectful, liking peace and quiet more than blaring music.

The officers’ quarters are towards the aft of the ship, four staterooms sharing two bathrooms. Not exactly luxurious, but a hell of a lot better than the enlisted quarters.

"Small, but functional," Kaidan says, as John steps in and looks around. It doesn't take long - there's not much to see in the tiny room. Bunk beds with curtains for some facsimile of privacy; a desk and closet each. Kaidan sees John’s eyes flicker over Kaidan’s desk, take in the holo of Vancouver’s North Shore mountains, the high-spec console, datapads and pile of smartpaper notebooks. He smiles softly before looking away and seeing his footlocker is already in place below the bunks, next to Kaidan's, ready to be unloaded.

John eyes the beds, then turns to Kaidan with a sparkle in his eye. "Top or bottom?"

Kaidan tries not to smile; he fails. "I'm flexible."

"What are the odds? So am I."

They look at each other, and when John's gaze dips to Kaidan's lips, he has a moment of weakness, and almost, almost reaches out.

But he doesn't.

"I've been taking the top bunk, but I'm happy to switch if you like."

"No point kicking you out of your bed, Kaidan."

"I-" Kaidan starts, then is derailed when John leans over to reach his footlocker, showing off his ass. 

Whether or not it's on purpose, Kaidan can't help but enjoy the view.

"So," Kaidan says when he manages to find his voice again. "Since we're serving together now, I-" John stands up and turns to him, frowning; Kaidan looks away and takes a breath. "I think we should put this on hold. This - you and me."

There’s a long pause. "What with fraternisation regs and everything."

"Yeah. Exactly."

John doesn't say anything for a long time and eventually Kaidan looks at him.

He instantly regrets it.

John's not very good at hiding his emotions, it seems, and hurt is written all over his face. But then he stands a little straighter, his expression turns blank and he nods.

"Understood, Lieutenant."

"I still - I like you a lot. As a person as well as- Um. A potential partner. Not that you wouldn't be a person then, but-" He clears his throat, and a little of the iciness in John's expression thaws in the face of Kaidan's unrelenting awkwardness. "What I'm trying to say is that I'd like to be friends, and then after all this is over with... Maybe we could have that third date."

John doesn't answer immediately, and Kaidan isn't sure how to take that. It's an excuse for anxiety to start tugging at his insides, but finally John nods. "Alright, Kaidan. Friends. While we're serving together. Because I like you too."

They smile at each other, then John looks away. "So I'm in the bottom bunk, yeah?"

As he starts to unpack his stuff, Kaidan looks at his desk and holds onto the back of the chair, grasping tightly. That was awkward, even for him. But they've come to an agreement, and that's important. They're on the same page.

Even if neither of them is particularly happy about what that page says.


	5. Chapter 5

The interior of the Mako is not what anyone would call luxurious.

Jane, driving, is up front, and Ash called shotgun. That left John and Kaidan in the back, and they'd be crammed in here uncomfortably tightly even if they weren't in their armour. As it is, it feels like they're almost in each other's laps.

Jane's driving isn't helping, at _all,_ hitting every rock and every depression, jolting the Mako with every one. It survived a drop from hundreds of feet up, from the Normandy down to the surface of Therum; but as soon as it hit the ground, the suspension on this thing turned out to be terrible. One particularly nasty swerve up a rock face jerks Kaidan to the side, and he grabs the nearest thing to him for support - and that just happens to be John’s upper thigh. John grins at him.

"We've not had that third date yet, Kaidan."

"Oh? And here was me thinking that being crammed in the Mako, getting attacked by geth in a volcanic hellscape was the _perfect_ third date."

"Kinky."

Kaidan has to smile at that - how can he not? He shakes his head, smiling, which makes John grin wider.

"You're not funny," he says.

"I'm a little funny." He lifts a hand, three or so inches between his thumb and forefinger. Kaidan pushes them closer together, half an inch between them.

"A _little."_

"Kaidan, if you keep walking into innuendo like this..."

"If you're taking that as innuendo, I don't know what to tell you."

John leans in and whispers low, barely audible above the Mako's engines. "Let me assure you; there's nothing _little_ about it."

Kaidan can feel his cheeks burning, he feels far too hot all over, and it's got nothing to do with the lava outside the tank.

"Wow, guys," Ash says from up front, twisting in her seat to look at them. "If you're about to start making out on the back seat-"

"Not to worry, Chief," John says. "Strictly professional back here."

Jane's snort in response speaks for them all.

Kaidan's almost happy when they arrive at the mine and the fighting starts. This thing between him and John - they can say they're going to cool it off all they like, but the chemistry between them doesn't give a damn about regulations.

 _It's only until we catch Saren,_ Kaidan tells himself as he Lifts a krogan and John Charges in to finish him off. _We can wait that long._

He doesn't even convince himself.

===

Dr T'Soni is interesting.

Incredibly knowledgeable and deeply intelligent, but there's a vulnerability to her, too, that Kaidan thinks has little to do with being trapped in the mine. She seems so open, maybe even naive. So young, despite being three times his age.

It’s been a few weeks since she joined them, and he's fought by her side a few times now as they've been investigating Cerberus. Her biotics are incredibly strong. She's told him that she's trained hard, though she never had any intention of joining the military. She skirted the issue with the skill of a seasoned politician, but it's something to do with her mother, he thinks; she holds an esteemed position in asari society, and her daughter is expected to be the best in everything.

He knows a little of that himself. His dad's a hard man to please. First being a biotic, then the business at Jump Zero, then _wasting time_ with college before joining the military - so many things he quietly disapproved of. His dad loves him, Kaidan is sure of that; it doesn't make the disapproval hurt any less.

It must be a hundredfold worse for Liara, but she's made the best of it, it seems, and she’s a fearsome warrior as well as a fiercely intelligent academic. They've only talked a few times since she came aboard, but he appreciates her quiet calm.

Movement catches Kaidan's eye, and he smiles as John approaches. Someone else whose quiet calm he appreciates. The chemistry between them burns as brightly as ever, and it's made for some awkwardness at night as they're both getting ready for bed, but Kaidan's feeling more positive that they can keep this up. They know each other better now, and whatever else happens, they've found a good friend in each other. If they do get around to that third date, it'll be a strong foundation for a relationship.

"Hey, Kaidan," John says, and Kaidan smiles at him.

"Hey yourself. Did you get the Mako sorted?"

"It was mostly holding the axle in place with biotics while Garrus did his thing, but yeah. We got it sorted. Liara said it was an inventive use of biotics, so I think I'm flattered."

"Liara doesn't seem to give compliments easily so you should be."

"Well - unless she's talking to Jane."

"That's different, though."

"With the extreme crush she has on my sister, you mean?" John grins. "I feel kinda bad for her - floating after Jane all starry-eyed, and Jane just being so oblivious."

"Is she in with a chance?"

"Not as far as I know," John says with a shrug. "Hopefully her crush will wear off soon."

They look at each other, and Kaidan _knows_ he's thinking the same thing he is:

_Or not._

Then again, what’s between them is so much more than a crush, and these weeks serving together has only emphasised that. They’ve become good friends, and they work as well together on the field as Kaidan had thought, Sentinel and Vanguard together in harmony. But the attraction hasn’t gone anywhere, and sometimes, in the middle of a conversation they’ll just _look_ at each other, and Kaidan wants to kiss him so badly that it’s almost too much to resist. He _does_ resist, but it’s getting harder and harder each time.

“Anyway,” John says. “You still up for watching Vaenia tonight?”

“Definitely,” Kaidan says, and only just manages not to add, _It’s a date_.


	6. Chapter 6

Kaidan’s first impression of Noveria is that it’s damned cold.

His second is that it’s a pain in the ass.

“But you’re Canadian, aren’t you?” Ash asks when he grumbles as they get into the elevator, raising an eyebrow at him. “You should be used to the cold.”

“Vancouver doesn’t get cold, not like the rest of the country,” Kaidan says. “We have palm trees, not blizzards.”

“I can confirm,” Jane says, jabbing the _close door_ button to no avail. They slide closed, eventually, and the elevator starts to rise at the same pace. “Me and John had a stint at the military college in Victoria; there was a disappointing lack of snow. We were spacer kids, you know - we wanted to see all the cool weather, but all we got was rain.”

“It _is_ a rainforest,” Kaidan says, feeling the need to stand up for his home province. “And there’s snow on the mountains in winter.”

“I know. John broke his leg the first time we went skiing. So, you know. Never go on a ski date, unless you want to end it in the emergency room.”

“…Duly noted, Commander.”

Eventually, the elevator reaches their destination, but they soon find out that _glacial_ covers Noveria’s standard operating speed as well as its average temperature.

At every turn, they’re stonewalled, given the run around, or just the cold shoulder. The only ones who seem interested in helping are suspicious characters who want something semi-legal at best in return. Jane says _I’ll think about it_ to all of them, and several hours later, she’s grinding her teeth so hard Kaidan can hear it.

“We’re going back to the Normandy,” she says flatly.

It’s warmer on the ship, at least, though it feels like they’re wasting time.

“Like it was any different out there?” Ash says out when he voices the thought.

“Good point.”

Jane calls a meeting in the comms room, and the frustration in her voice is painful to hear as she gives the debriefing.

“I hate to put this on you, but John - can you lead the next shore party? You were always better at this political stuff than me.”

“I just have more patience,” he corrects. “And of course, Commander.”

After the rest of them are dismissed, John stays behind to talk with her, to get a more indepth overview of the situation. Kaidan goes back to their room and starts researching the corporations on Noveria.

He puts everything he finds on a datapad for John, but there’s not as much information as he would’ve liked. Everything public-facing is extremely cleaned up and superficial. His Alliance access gets him more files, but they’re so heavily redacted that they’re useless. He could hack into the files of at least some of the companies, and Tali could probably access even more, but he doesn’t want to do anything to jeopardise the investigation. He’ll let the Commanders decide.

He’s showered and is reading in bed by the time John returns, looking unhappy.

“Everything alright?” Kaidan asks, looking up from his book.

“Sure. Jane’s right, I am better at this, but it sounds like a massive headache.”

“Pretty much everyone was sticking to the party line, and the party line was _no comment,”_ Kaidan says, and hops off his bunk to grab the datapad on his desk. He hands it to John. “I downloaded everything I could about Noveria on there for you. The corporations, the staff. What little I could find about the research they’re doing, which wasn’t much. I could maybe find out some… less publicly available stuff, if you want. Just let me know.”

“This is really helpful, Kaidan. Thank you,” John says, flicking through the files, then looks up at Kaidan with a soft smile. “You’re pretty great, you know that?”

Biting his lip, Kaidan looks aside, trying to stop the butterflies in his stomach from doing the manic little dance they start whenever John looks at him like that. They’re comrades, colleagues. Nothing more.

And yet.

“Thanks. You’re - you’re pretty great yourself.” He risks a glance at John, and he’s still smiling. It’s dangerous, that smile, it could make Kaidan fall, and fall hard.

 _I’m already falling,_ he thinks, then looks away again, climbing back into his bunk.

“Have you thought about who you’ll take with you tomorrow?”

“Not sure. I’ll read through your notes, decide who I’m going to talk to first. Thanks again, Kaidan.”

“Any time, Commander.”

===

Noveria continues to be a special kind of nightmare.

John is indeed better at politics than Jane, but within three days he’s at the end of his tether, too. 

They know that they need to get to Peak 15, that Benezia went up there shortly before they arrived, but what exactly is _at_ Peak 15 is a mystery no-one seems particularly keen to divulge. After the second day, Jane gave Kaidan and Tali permission to try hacking the records, but to no avail. The security is like nothing Kaidan has ever seen, and it stumps even Tali, who’s about five times the hacker he is. Whatever is up there is big news, and probably bad news.

“I say we go with the turian,” Jane says at that evening’s debriefing, folding her arms. “The Qui’in guy.”

“Yeah,” John says with a sigh. “I don’t really want to get involved with all this subterfuge bullshit but I don’t see any other way.”

“I’ll take point on it,” she says. “Ash and Wrex - you’ll be coming with me.”

“Time to knock some heads together and stop talking,” Wrex says approvingly.

John still doesn’t seem happy when they head off to bed, tossing his uniform into the laundry with an unusual vehemence.

“Everything okay?” Kaidan asks, sitting in his bunk and looking down at John. He’s standing in the middle of the room, between their desks, glaring at the wall. He’s also shirtless, but Kaidan is trying to ignore that fact, lest it distract him.

“I just… I hate it when things end up in violence. I know that sometimes it can’t be avoided, but in this case - we’re here to help. Why won’t they let us?”

“They’re clearly hiding something big up at Peak 15.”

“Yeah. Exactly. Something Saren’s involved with. It’s going to be messy.”

“Agreed.”

John sighs, then looks up at Kaidan with a crooked smile. “Thanks. Having someone to talk to - it helps a lot.”

“You know you can always talk to me. I’m here for you.”

“Yeah,” John says softly, looking like he wants to say more, but then turns away to change into his pyjamas. Kaidan wonders what he was going to say; wonders if it was something he wants to hear. If it was something that either of them _should_ say.

Kaidan allows himself to glance down, to admire the muscles in John’s back as he pulls on his PJ bottoms, and bites his bottom lip.

Noveria politics aren’t the only thing that’s messy, he thinks, before forcing himself to turn back to his book.

===

Barely an hour after Jane goes to speak with Qui’in, John strides over to Kaidan at his station, looking energised.

“Gear up, Lieutenant. We’re heading out to Peak 15.”

Garrus joins them at the airlock, and John tells them what he knows. It’s convoluted, of course, like everything else in this place: Qui’in was being screwed over by the administrator, the administrator’s assistant was secretly an undercover cop, and the administrator is now under arrest. The important thing is that they’ve got the garage pass, and Jane and the others are meeting them there. The plan is to head up in two groups: Jane with Wrex and Ash, John with Kaidan and Garrus. Given what they can infer about what they’re heading for, the more the better.

When they get to the garage, though, the plan has already changed.

Jane and Ash have their guns drawn and are looking around warily; Wrex is glowing blue, biotics at the ready. 

And strewn around the garage, are geth, or what's left of them. 

“Geth?” John asks, then shakes his head. “Of _course_ geth. Benezia’s in league with Saren, after all.”

“Exactly,” Jane says, holstering her rifle. “Tali’s on her way to see if she can get anything from them, and I want Wrex and Ash to stay here in case there’s more of them. I wouldn’t trust the security here to take down a toddler holding a water pistol.”

“What about Liara?” Garrus says. “If we need numbers up at Peak 15-”

“No,” Jane says, shaking her head. “If things go sideways, we might have to take out Benezia. I won’t put her through that. She can go through the geth data with Tali.”

John and Kaidan share a look - Liara isn’t going to like that, but it’s probably for the best.

The ride up to Peak 15 is cold and littered with geth. The number of wrecked transports that they pass on the way up is worrying, but they can’t stop to investigate. Their own transport struggles to keep the interior temperature survivable, all the energy being diverted to the engine to keep them going in the blizzard. The few times they do leave the transport to investigate, the temperatures drop dramatically in seconds - their suits aren’t meant for weather like this. So they trudge on, Jane driving, Garrus manning the weapons, Kaidan and John doing their damnedest to keep the thing moving as warning systems flash and beep at least once a minute.

Finally they get to Peak 15, and inside, there’s more damned geth waiting for them. 

The four of them have worked together often enough by now that they’re a well-oiled machine. 

Kaidan and Garrus overload the geth’s shields, Jane takes them out with her assault rifle, and John Charges in without hesitation. It’s a beautiful thing, seeing John Shepard in action; Kaidan doesn’t think he’ll ever tire of it. He’s fearless and determined, a model Vanguard. His biotics make Kaidan’s hum in response, and he moves in closer to cover him - Throwing the geth that try to flank him, Lifting those that are just a little too far to be affected by John’s Nova so that Garrus and Jane can take them out. And then John’s Charging across the battlefield again and Kaidan follows, supporting him like a good Sentinel should.

They clear out the geth in record time, and John turns to Kaidan with bright eyes and a grin.

“We work well together, Lieutenant.”

“Was there ever any doubt, Commander?” They smile at each other and Kaidan’s biotics are still humming in response to John’s, and that’s a good feeling, a really good feeling.

“Good job, guys,” Jane says, slapping John on the shoulder, and the moment is broken. 

Garrus gives them a look, and Kaidan remembers Garrus saying that his visor picks up biotic fields. What do his and John’s fields look like, he wonders - brushing against each other, sparking off each other, merging, dancing - _flirting,_ Kaidan thinks, ludicrously, but at the same time, that kind of fits. Everything they do seems to be verging on flirting, whether they mean it to or not - why should their biotics be any different?


	7. Chapter 7

Rachni, Kaidan thinks dimly.

 _Rachni_.

The stuff of nightmares, the stuff of legend. It doesn’t seem real, it doesn’t seem _possible_.

But here they are, with too many legs and spitting acid at them, a horrible surprise behind every doorway and around every corner.

They eventually get into the base proper and meet up with the security captain. Kaidan can’t imagine what the people here have been through over the past few weeks, even if they brought this on themselves.

“You should go wash off your armour while you've got the chance,” the captain says. “If you leave the acid on there it'll weaken the plates.”

“Understood,” Jane says. “Is there somewhere to do that?”

They follow the captain’s directions to an armoury up a level, complete with decontamination showers. A weird addition to an armoury, but considering what they were doing here, maybe not. There's only room for two at a time, and since John was the worst off thanks to his Vanguard tendencies, Jane tells him to go first, and tells Kaidan to join him.

Following the instructions posted to the outside of the showers, they remove the outer plates and put them in a separate compartment for a more thorough decontamination. That leaves them both in their skin-tight undersuits, and also leaves both of them trying not to stare. Both of them fail at that, and look away quickly, leaving Jane to snicker at them.

“Much as this is cute, hurry it up,” she says. “I don't want my armour damaged because you two are too busy making heart eyes at each other.”

“Sorry, Commander,” Kaidan says, and steps into the shower; after a moment, John joins him.

The shower hoses them down with a thick, soapy liquid that feels disgusting through the suit, then washes them off with water before drying them quickly. The whole thing takes less than sixty seconds, sixty seconds of standing very close to the man he’s very attracted to still, both of them wearing skin tight body suits. 

It’s – awkward. 

A little. 

Especially when John steps out of the shower first and Kaidan’s gaze rakes down his body, from broad shoulders and muscular back, to firm ass and great legs. Swallowing, he turns his attention to their armour, where the decontamination section has also started to beep. Taking out John’s N7 chest plate, the topmost piece, he turns to hand it to him – and sees John eyeing him up, just as Kaidan did to him.

“At least we’re as bad as each other,” Kaidan tells him, and John laughs weakly, a blush springing to his cheeks.

“What can I say, you’re wearing the hell out of that undersuit.”

“You too, John.” They look at each other, and Kaidan’s struck with an almost irresistible urge to kiss him; John’s eyes are focused on Kaidan’s lips, so Kaidan’s pretty sure he’s not alone in this.

“Come on, guys!” Jane yells at them from the other side of the shower, gesturing at their armour, still sitting in the decontamination chamber. Tearing their gaze from each other, they grab their gear so that Jane and Garrus can get into the shower.

“We’ve still got it pretty bad, huh?” John says quietly as he pulls his gauntlets on, and Kaidan looks at him, looking damn fine in his armour, as always.

“Yeah. I guess we do.”

“So much for avoiding fraternisation.”

Kaidan laughs; there’s not much humour in it. “Just because we’re not kissing doesn’t mean we don’t want to. And it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”

John looks at him then, and he looks like he wants to say something else, but Jane and Garrus come out of the shower and he doesn’t have chance. But once they’re back in armour, and Jane leads the way out of the armoury, John leans in and says softly,

“I care about you, too,” and tangles their fingers together, just for a moment, before letting go, and it’s back to work.

Even now, the scientists are being incredibly guarded about what’s happening here. The nearest they get to answers is from a medical doctor, and when they try to help him they get attacked by an asari scientist who’s in league with Benezia.

“I really, really hate this place,” Jane says as Kaidan tends to a cut on her head once they’ve won the fight.

He couldn’t agree more. 

When they’re all patched up, they tell the captain that there’s yet another layer of complication to this mess before heading back to the main room. Jane looks around, hands on her hips, then turns to them.

"There's no point trying to get back to the port. With all those geth and escaped rachni it's too big a risk, not to mention a waste of time. We've got a few days of rations, we'll just sleep here."

"With the rachni," Garrus says, skepticism in his voice, and Jane grins at him.

"Not scared of a few bugs, are you Vakarian?"

"Me? I'll be fine - they'll probably mistake me for one of them. It's you squishy humans I'm worried about."

Jane snorts and slaps his arm. "Good job we've got you to watch our backs then. I'll go find out where we can bunk, then we can all enjoy some protein bars and sweet dreams." She heads off to find someone to ask.

"Not sure I ever want to sleep again," Kaidan says, rubbing his hands together. "First the geth, now those creepy bastards."

"I'll protect you, Kaidan," John says, grinning, and Kaidan can't help but grin back: that's the power of a Shepard smile, either one of them; it's nigh on impossible not to return.

"But who'll protect me from you?"

"Do you really want protecting?" John looks at him, still smiling, but there's a seriousness to his question, and Kaidan's not sure how to respond. They've agreed that this isn't a good idea but neither of them can seem to resist. They're circling each other like binary stars, caught in each other's orbit; the gravity between them inescapable and inevitable.

"I don't know any more," he says quietly, and they look at each other, while Garrus fastidiously looks away.

"Okay," Jane says, coming over, then looks between them. "Am I interrupting something?"

"Who knows," John says, with a tight smile, and Kaidan wants to kick himself. They need to stop this. Their mission is too important to mess up with personal complications. After, maybe, when everything's over - if there is an after - they can explore this, but right now, in the middle of a lab infested by a long-thought-dead galactic horror? Not really the time to reignite a romance.

"...okay," Jane says, looking from one of them to the other before giving a small shrug. "There's a small bunk room over in the corner we can have. It's defensible, with good lines of sight and quick escape routes if we need them."

They head over and the room is indeed tiny. Two sets of bunk beds either side of the room with inlaid drawers, and a tiny table with a computer. Jane hits the on switch and it flickers to life.

"Kaidan, can you hack into the security cams and get us a feed of what's going on outside?"

"On it, Shepard."

It's good to do something normal, maybe the first normal thing he's done since they arrived at Peak 15. It's high-quality security, some of the best Kaidan's seen - not surprising, considering what they were doing here, and he’s glad of the hacking tips Tali’s been giving him. He gets access to the feeds, flicks through them- 

And takes back what he said about normal.

Everyone else has gone quiet, too; they're looking over his shoulder. On the screen, they see outside: see frozen bodies half-buried in snow, see rachni gathering and chittering in the darkness. 

The silence is deeply uncomfortable.

"Good job," Jane says faintly, and pats his shoulder. "I'll stay up for first watch. The rest of you, get some sleep."

Kaidan glances at John and Garrus - neither of them look particularly enamoured at the idea of sleep after seeing that, but they're soldiers, they know to get sleep when they get chance.

Garrus takes the top bunk on the left, keeping all his armour on and hugging his sniper rifle like a plush toy. Jane takes the bunk below him, sitting so that she can keep an eye on the console screen.

"You wanna take the top bunk?" John asks, and Kaidan nods and tries to smile.

“It’ll be just like home.”

They disarm, though both take their pistols with them. They stay in their armour, neither of them particularly keen on being caught without it.

Kaidan takes his bunk, lies down, but sleep evades him. Whenever he closes his eyes, he sees things with too many legs that skitter and spit acid. After half an hour he sighs and pushes himself up on his elbow.

"Shepard," he says, and hears both of them _hmm?_ beneath him. "Jane," he clarifies. "I can't sleep - why don't you try, and I'll keep watch."

"If you're sure," she says with a wide yawn.

"I'll stay up too," John says, leaning out of his bunk to look up at Kaidan. "Why don't you come down here and we can watch the vid feed together?"

Kaidan nods, and they end up sitting side by side on John's bunk, watching the thankfully dull feed. Kaidan can feel John's body heat and the thrum of his biotics, and he's surprised to realise how soothing he finds it. More than once he jerks awake; the second time, John pats his thigh. The armour - his thigh, John's glove - is in the way, but still, it makes Kaidan's mouth a little dry.

"Go to sleep," John says softly.

"I wanna stay up with you."

"I had a good rest last night, you didn't. Sleep, Kaidan. I'll watch out for you."

"I know you will," Kaidan says; they look at each other, then, holding each other's gaze, and Kaidan is tired enough that he doesn't care anymore, doesn't have the energy to fight this. Still; when John kisses his cheek he gasps, and blinks at him. John smiles.

"Sleep," he says again, and after a moment of realising he has no idea what to say, he settles back as closes his eyes.

It feels like it's about five minutes later when he's opening them again, blinking tiredly. 

He's leaning against John, head on his shoulder - not the most comfortable pillow, what with the armour and all. His neck cracks when he tries to sit up and he winces, rubbing at it. Across the room, Garrus is awake, and he smirks at them.

"I told him to sleep when I woke up, but he didn't want to move and wake you," he says, and John smiles at him blearily. He looks exhausted.

"You should've woke me. How long've I been asleep?"

"Two hours," Garrus says. "So go back to sleep. I'm good; turians need less sleep than humans. Both of you - rest. We're going to be wading through rachni in the morning so we need you alert."

Kaidan nods and starts to move to get back in his bunk, but John grabs his wrist.

"Stay? For - for warmth?" He looks exhausted, enough that Kaidan is willing to ignore the ridiculousness of the question. Even ignoring all the reasons it'd be a bad idea, they're both in armour and while these bunks are bigger than those on the Normandy, they're not huge.

But...

John looks so tired, and his eyes are bloodshot and pleading. And Kaidan... Kaidan feels all kinds of things for him, things that hurt his heart, and John kissed his cheek earlier, and-

"Okay," he says softly. John lies down and scoots back so he's pressed against the wall; Kaidan takes little spoon, and John wraps an arm around his waist to make sure he doesn't fall out of the bunk. Garrus is looking down at them with amusement, but Kaidan can feel John's breath on the back of his neck, and their biotics are humming pleasantly together. Kaidan feels safe and comfortable and _right_ , like he hasn't for a while.

Since last time he was in John's arms, if he's honest, and exhausted as he is, he can't be anything else. They might be torn apart by rachni tomorrow, what's the point in lying to himself?

There are lots of reasons this is a bad idea right now while they’re serving together, but they're being drowned out right now by how _good_ this feels.

"'Night, Kaidan," John says, and Kaidan finds himself smiling.

"'Night, John."

===

The only good part of the next day is waking up in John's arms.

Everyone felt like shit after sleeping in their armour, but John and Kaidan couldn't stop smiling at each other, and Jane and Garrus couldn't stop smirking at _them_ , so all in all everyone was happy.

That lasted all of ten minutes, until Noveria decided to continue its campaign for Worst Planet Ever, and by the end of the day they've killed Liara's mother and released a rachni queen, to who knows what end.

"What would you have done, John?" Jane asks in an uncharacteristically quiet voice as she drives back to Port Hanshan.

"I don't know," he says, just as quietly.

Liara takes the news about as well as could be expected, and all of them are glad when the relay takes them far away from Noveria.

There's a hush on the ship after the debriefing. John goes to speak to Jane, and Kaidan checks on his Marines. Even they seem apprehensive, no hint of their usual bawdy humour. After, Ash grabs his arm and looks at him with surprising softness in her eyes.

"It sounds like it was hell down there, LT."

"It sure wasn't a walk in the park."

"Rachni," she says, and shakes her head. "I don't even know what to think. About the lab bringing them back to life or what the Commander did."

"She did what she thought was right."

Ash chews her bottom lip. "Do _you_ think it was right?"

Kaidan doesn't know how to answer.

He goes for a shower, and the three minute max isn't nearly enough. After everything he saw down in that swamp of greed and corruption, three hours wouldn't be enough.

Still; it helps, a little, and he feels better once he's clean and dry. Ultimately, it was the Commander's choice, and Kaidan doesn't envy her. Maybe one day he'll lead a team of his own and have to make hard decisions; for now, he's more than happy where he is.

Something that's emphasised when he steps into his room and sees John sitting on his bunk, staring at the floor. His jaw is clenched, his shoulders tight, and Kaidan actively ignores the desire to go over and massage the tension from them.

"Hey," he says softly, and John looks up, eyes flicking over his wet hair, the towel around his neck, and he swallows, and Kaidan thinks _oh_ , something that could end up _oh no_ or _oh please_ or both, more likely, both at the same time. "How's the Commander?" He asks instead, a subject that's not _easy_ but maybe easier than talking about _them._

John looks away and sighs, deeply. "Conflicted. She hates seeing Liara upset like that, even though we all know it had to be done, Liara included. And the rachni - god. She shows a strong face but she's tearing herself apart about it, asking herself if she made the right choice."

Kaidan takes the towel from around his neck and rubs his hair a few times with it before throwing it in the laundry. "Do you think she did?"

"I don't think there _is_ a right choice. Dooming a species to extinction or unleashing the rachni on the galaxy? How do you make that choice? In the end, we just have to hope that the queen is true to her word."

"Yeah," Kaidan says and shakes his head, sitting down at his desk so he's on a level with John. "This is - it's big stuff. I don't know what to think of it."

"I know what you mean. And I feel like an asshole saying this, but I'm glad I didn't have to make that choice."

"Me too."

They sit there in silence a moment, the space between them full of thoughts.

"Kaidan, I - the thing, in the bunk. I know we said we weren't going to-"

"It's okay," Kaidan says, and shakes his head. "I'm glad you - still feel that way. It's complicated but - yeah." He gives an awkward laugh and shakes his head. "What I'm trying to say is - I still feel that way too. And I, uh. All things considered, I slept pretty well like that. With you."

"Well, if you - if you're having trouble sleeping, then I'd be glad to offer my assistance again. Or would that be a bad idea?"

"I honestly have no clue any more, John. Everything's gone to hell and this - this is just the beginning."

"Yeah. Exactly." John puts his head in his hands. "I feel like - I want to be there for Jane, I want to be her brother and tell her everything's okay. But I'm here as a soldier, and she's my CO. It's not my place, and that's goddamn hard."

"Hey," Kaidan says, and moves to sit beside him on the bunk. "You are here for her. Just knowing you're on the Normandy is a big deal, John. Sometimes I see her look at you and I can see how much strength it gives her. So don't doubt yourself."

John looks at him and smiles. "You're pretty good at the whole pep talk thing, Alenko."

"I've got practice, I give myself a lot of them," he grins, and John laughs, looking like the weight's lifted, or at least lightened.

"Thanks, Kaidan."

"Anytime, John."

There's a moment, then, when they look at each other, a moment that stretches out, a moment that wants to be more. Kaidan could so easily kiss him, just lean in that foot or so - but no. He can't. He _can't_. He touches John's knee - because he has to touch him somewhere - then goes to his desk, finishing up tomorrow's duty roster. Jane's going on one of Hackett's missions and she's not assigned Kaidan, so he gets to run the drills himself. That'll be good. Easy, straightforward. Mindless. Just what he needs right now.

"I’m going to hit the showers," John says after a moment, and Kaidan nods, not looking up from his work.

When John's gone, though, he drops his head into his hands. Is this - is this the right way to do this? He knows it's complicated; John outranks him, and John's the CO's sister, but John's also incredible and Kaidan's feelings for him aren’t going anywhere. Trying to put this distance between the two of them isn't helping.

So maybe-

 _No,_ Kaidan tells himself, as firmly as he can. No. He's not fraternising with a superior officer. He's not.

No matter how much he wants to.


	8. Chapter 8

Tali’s the one who finds out that it’s Garrus’s birthday, but the celebration is Ash’s idea. Garrus seemed a bit bewildered by the whole thing - turians don’t do birthdays, it seems.

But Kaidan thinks it’ll be good for them. After everything they’ve been through lately, they could all do with a break. Cerberus experiments, the mess on Asteroid X57 - the whole galaxy is going to hell but for one night, they get to relax and pretend that all is right with the world.

He and John head down to the shuttle bay together, where a table has been set up with food and drink, and Tali’s cobbled together a couple of projectors to create a big screen to watch a vid on. There are cushions on the floor and even blankets, and the whole thing looks very cozy.

Ash looks at John a little conflicted as he approaches the table laden with food and drink, and makes a half-hearted attempt to move some of the other bottles in front of a bottle of the moonshine she’s been brewing behind the lockers in the shuttle bay.

“This is, uh,” she says, and gives Kaidan a slightly panicked look.

“It’s definitely not alcoholic,” Kaidan says, pouring a glass and handing it to John before pouring one of his own.

"That’s good to hear,” John says, and gives an honest to god wink. “As the highest ranked officer other than the ship's captain, I'm definitely not aware of any contraband," John says, taking a swig of the moonshine and wincing.

"Glad to hear it, sir," Ash says, relieved. "Wait - should you guys be drinking that with your biotics? You said you get drunk easily."

"I'm not sure _anyone_ should drink this stuff, Williams," John says, grabbing the carton of juice and pouring it up the brim, diluting the alcohol as much as possible. Kaidan decides to take his lead without even tasting it neat, though how much powdered OJ will help, he's not sure.

"We can handle it," he says, but when he tastes it and it burns horribly going down, even diluted to hell, he's not sure he wants to.

“To be honest,” Tali says, “Judging from everyone's reactions, I'm actually glad I can't drink whatever that is.”

“You're welcome to some of my beer,” Garrus offers, and she pauses before nodding.

“Alright, just a little. I'm a terrible lightweight.” She goes to get a special clear flask complete with straw, and lets Garrus pour in a good measure into it.

“You're all lightweights to me,” Wrex says with a smirk.

Kaidan doesn't really know Wrex - he tends to keep to himself, though he's thawed since Jane found his family armour for him. Tonight he seems more relaxed than usual; Kaidan wonders if it's Ash’s moonshine. If it's strong enough to affect a krogan, it explains a lot. He’s barely had more than a few mouthfuls himself and he’s already feeling somewhere to the left of tipsy.

“Hey, Wrex,” John says. “Human biotics get drunk more easily - is that true for krogan too?”

“Ha! If anyone wants to try to outdrink me, they're welcome to try. Alien _or_ krogan.”

“What about an elcor?” Garrus asks. “I mean – in terms of body mass, they’re bigger than krogan, but now that I’m thinking about it, I can’t really imagine a drunk elcor.”

“You don’t need to, they’d tell you,” Tali says. She’s already halfway through the drink Garrus gave her, and with the way she’s laughing, it looks like she was spot-on with her understanding of her alcohol tolerance. “Drunkenly, this beer tastes terrible. Tipsily, can I have some more?”

“You find me the elcor willing to go head to head with me and we’ll find out,” Wrex says, and downs the rest of his moonshine before slamming the empty glass on the floor. “That’s damn good stuff, Williams. You ever decide to get into business, you’ll thrive on Tuchanka.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, Wrex,” she says, amused, then turns when she hears the elevator doors open to reveal Jane. "Oh!" she says, and shifts to stand in front of the table, doing a terrible job of blocking the moonshine. "Skipper, I didn't realise you'd be here."

"What, and miss out on my favourite turian's birthday? Wouldn't miss it for the world."

"I'm your favourite, Shepard?" Garrus says. "I'm touched."

"You’re my favourite, too," John says, and smirks when Jane throws him an annoyed look. Kaidan doesn't quite get it, but that might be the mouthful of moonshine he's had. That stuff is _potent_.

"So, uh, Shepard," Ash says, gesturing at the table but still standing in front of the alcohol and looking slightly unsure. "We've got snacks, juice-"

"Definitely no contraband," John says, snatching the bottle from behind Ash and waving it at Jane.

"Oh, well that's good, I'd hate to have contraband on my ship. Especially since I've just run out of my personal stocks of rum that I totally didn't have," Jane says, pouring a good measure of moonshine into her glass of juice. "This is one hundred percent water, right?"

"Absolutely, Commander," Ash says, giving a relieved grin as she plops down on the cushions that are piled up against the wall.

John and Kaidan both grab a plate of food - it looks surprisingly good, better than pretty much anything they've had on the Normandy so far. Small tapas-style snacks, some very inventive considering the limited pantry on the ship, with a separate table for the dextro food, including a small cake with a candle in it.

"What's this?" Garrus asks, touching a claw to the wick.

"Human tradition," Jane tells him. "Normally you have a candle for each year of your age but it gets a bit much once you hit double digits."

"So - what do you do with it?"

"Light it, and when you blow it out, make a wish."

"Like - galactic peace?"

"Noble, but try more personal."

"New sniper rifle?"

"That's more like it!"

“Anyway, the party can start now that I'm here,” Jane says. “What are we watching?”

“Garrus should decide, he's the birthday boy,” Ash says.

“In that case - there's a human vid I'm curious about - Die Hard? Apparently it's a remake of something from centuries ago. I think it’s a trilogy or something?”

“The first one’s best,” John says, and Kaidan looks at him, aghast.

"No," Kaidan laughs, moving closer to John so he can jab him in the leg. "You're wrong. You're _so_ wrong."

"Oh?" John smiles at him, that easy, crooked smile that makes Kaidan feel weak at the best of times, and half a glass of moonshine has whittled down any resistance he might normally have. Kaidan smiles back and moves closer still, until their knees are pressed together. Kaidan puts his hand on John's thigh and is struck wordless for a moment by how hard it is, how strong. 

How much he wants to see John naked.

"The second one," he says quickly when he realises how long he's taken to respond. "The second one is the best."

"I've not seen the second one," John admits, and Kaidan pokes his leg.

"Then how can you say that the first one is the best?!"

John just laughs, and he has such a nice laugh that Kaidan can't even be angry with him.

"But this one is good, right? It has your approval."

"It's fine, but we're gonna watch the second one, okay? In our bunk."

"A date?" John asks, and Kaidan laughs, putting his head on his shoulder, feeling delighted, feeling warm, and leaves his hand where it is on his thigh.

"Is it really a date if we're in our own room?"

"I think so."

"Depends what happens after," Ash says with a laugh and Kaidan waves a hand at her, trying to cover up the fact that they were just flirting like hell in front of everyone.

 _Fraterisation is a bad idea,_ he reminds himself, but every time he does, it loses a little more of its power. 

Garrus puts the vid on, and the lights go down.

Half an hour into the vid, John shifts a bit, moving closer, and Kaidan puts his arm over his shoulders. It doesn't _mean_ anything, it's just more comfortable, and if it makes his heart beat a little faster to have John pressed against him like this, that doesn't mean anything either.

But... He might like it if it did mean something.

He forces himself to pay attention to the vid and not to John's warmth, not to the way that John's hand has dropped to Kaidan's thigh or the way his fingers are tracing little circles there.

Definitely no attention whatsoever to how much Kaidan wants to kiss him, because they're crew mates, and John is his superior officer, and that means something, damn it.

He might be wishing it didn't, though; he might be wishing that something fierce.

During what she dubs _the boring part_ , Jane comes to top up their drinks and whispers something in John's ear. He whispers, _Jane!_ and bats her away. She goes, with a laugh and a wink, but when Kaidan gives John a questioning look, he gets only a head shake in response.

By the time the credits roll they're even closer, some might say cuddling, and they don't move as the lights go up. Kaidan is feeling comfortable and content, still a little drunk and that's enough to shut up the _fraternisation!!!_ worries for a little while.

 _I'm happy,_ he thinks, and pulls John a little closer to him. _He makes me happy._

When John looks up at him, looking sleepy and smiling, the urge to kiss him is almost too strong to resist. It would be so easy; just a few inches. But then Wrex stands up next to them, making the floor shake under his weight, and the two of them jerk apart.

"Dammit, Wrex!" Jane stays, and he looks at her, then, horrifyingly, at them. They instantly pull away from each other.

"Oh - did I interrupt some sort of human mating ritual?"

"Absolutely not," Kaidan says quickly, and Joker laughs.

"Absolutely _did,"_ he says. "You're not even subtle about being all loved up."

"We are _not_ loved up," Kaidan says at the same time as John says something Kaidan doesn't catch all of but has that cursed word _fraternisation_ in there somewhere.

"Wait - seriously?" Joker stares at them, accepting a hand from Ash to help him to his feet. "You guys aren't together?"

"They're too busy trying to be all proper and follow regs," Jane sighs, and Kaidan wonders if John feels as singled out as he does.

"Well, y' know, I'm sure regs are all well and good in normal situations, but we're dealing with shit like a ship that controls people's minds and giant nightmare spiders that nearly destroyed civilisation as we know it," Joker says. "Fraternise away, I say. The galaxy is going to hell in a hand basket, have some fun while you can."

"Thanks for the ringing endorsement there, Joker."

"You are very welcome, John."

By the time they get back to their room, Kaidan’s pretty much sobered up. It doesn’t really help; he still wants John, and he misses John’s warmth, misses the feel of him in his arms.

From the way John keeps looking at him, and looking as if he wants to say something, Kaidan thinks he feels the same.

“I enjoyed tonight,” John says eventually, quietly.

“Me too.”

“Maybe – we could do it again. Watch the second one together.” A pause, then John meets Kaidan’s eyes. “Just the two of us.”

“…A date?” Kaidan’s heart is thudding in his chest, and this might be a bad idea, he knows that, he’s known that all along, but ignoring this hasn’t done a damn thing to stop him feeling this way. And fraternisation is about feelings – if they add something physical to this, it’s not going to change anything, other than the two of them being a hell of a lot less tightly wound around each other.

“Yeah. If you want that.”

“I – think I do.”

They look at each other for a long moment. They’re standing a few feet apart, no more. They could so easily close that gap, and Kaidan wants to, he really wants to.

“Let’s talk about this tomorrow,” John says. “We should talk about this sober.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan says, and nods. “I don’t trust that moonshine not to have any lingering effects.”

“Exactly,” John says, and smiles at him before looking away. “So – tomorrow.”

“It’s a deal.”


	9. Chapter 9

The pain starts at the base of his implant, as always. 

A dull ache, a promise of what comes next. And he knows there’s no fighting it, but he tries, like always, as the pain spreads, makes it feel like his skull is growing smaller and smaller, crushing his brain. He fights against it, right until Dr Chakwas comes out of the medbay, takes one look at him and tells him to go to his room and lie down before he falls down.

By the time he gets there, he can’t even make it up to his own bunk, and he can’t summon the strength or energy to care. He’s taken his medication, the lights are out other than the small nightlight near the door, but his head still feels like it’s splitting.

Eventually he passes out, and when he wakes, the pressure has eased slightly, though the medication always makes him feel groggy. Cautiously he opens his eyes, but the nightlight is dim and soft; it’s joined by the orange light of John’s omni-tool on the far side of the room, where he’s sitting on the floor with his back to the wall.

Guilt thuds in his temples to join the pain.

“John,” Kaidan says, or tries to. Still, John’s by his side instantly, kneeling by the bed with a worried frown on his face.

“What do you need?” He asks, voice quiet.

He lifts a hand and points vaguely at the water bottle on his desk. John grabs it for him, unscrews it, presses it into his hands. When Kaidan lifts his head to swallow, John’s hand is at the base of his neck, supporting him.

Wiping his mouth, Kaidan gives him a small smile. “You’re good at this.”

“Jane had migraines when we were teenagers,” John says, putting the bottle back on the desk, then turning back to him, still frowning. He reaches up as though he’s going to touch Kaidan’s cheek, but then drops his hand to the pillow. “How are you feeling?”

Kaidan considers. It still hurts like hell but he doesn’t feel like he’s going to throw up anymore, or at least not as much. Licking his lips, he says, “Better than I did.” Closing his eyes, he lies back, putting his forearm over his eyes. There are some vague feelings of frustration under the pain and the weakness, but he doesn’t have the energy to deal with them. “I stole your bed,” he realises suddenly, and opens his eyes. “I don’t think I can move, though.”

“Don’t worry about it,” John says, and he does touch Kaidan’s cheek this time, very gently, without lifting his hand from the pillow, thumb stroking his skin. Kaidan smiles, a little, and turns his head to kiss John’s thumb. Maybe he shouldn’t do that, but he doesn’t care anymore. “It’s yours for as long as you need it. I’ll take yours tonight.”

Kaidan gives a vaguely affirmative noise, and when John shifts as if to move away, Kaidan grabs his wrist.

“Stay? Please?”

“Okay,” John says, then stands to grab a pillow from the top bunk, putting it on the floor to use as a cushion. “Is there anything I can do? I used to give Jane a head massage when she got her migraines – does that help you?”

“I’ve never tried.” He looks at John, his face deeply shadowed in the dim light but still so handsome. “I’ve never trusted anyone enough.”

It’s all wrapped up with a biotic’s instinct to protect their implant; that’s what causes the pain, and the worst of it is in a tight knot just above the metal. The thought of purposefully letting someone touch him there makes him a little breathless; the thought of _John_ touching him there, though, adds a thrill to the fear.

“Okay,” John says again and starts to move away, but Kaidan meets his eyes.

“I trust you enough.”

Even under the pain and lethargy, Kaidan knows that this is a big deal; knows that John knows. That’s why he hesitates, but then he smiles, wide, soft and sweet.

“Are you sure?”

“Very. Please.”

John nods and kneels, facing the bed. After a moment, he kisses Kaidan’s forehead, just above his right eyebrow, but then pulls away quickly. “Sorry, I-”

“Don’t apologise,” Kaidan says, and manages a smile as he taps his lips with a finger. 

John raises an eyebrow, then leans in very slowly, giving him time to say _no_ ; when he doesn’t, John kisses him very softly on the lips. A quiet kind of joy spreads through Kaidan at the touch, and the migraine feels slightly more bearable. They’ll have to talk about this later, he thinks, but for now he moves slowly, carefully, until he’s lying on his stomach, resting a cheek on his folded forearms. The movement makes the pain spike and nausea swim, but it fades to bearable levels quickly enough.

John puts a hand to his shoulder, then slides it along to the back of his neck, thumb gently stroking across the ridge of his spine. “Tell me straight away if I hurt you.”

“Promise.”

Letting his eyes fall shut, he tries to let himself relax, knowing that tensing up only makes the pain worse. John starts lightly, with just a touch of firmness, a good few inches beneath Kaidan’s implant. It feels surprisingly nice, and as intimate as this is, as much as Kaidan maybe should be nervous, and maybe would be with anyone else, he finds he isn’t. It’s not just the pain and lethargy, it’s _John_ , and even under everything else, Kaidan feels a trickle of wonder at the thought.

John’s gentle fingers are surprisingly relaxing, and Kaidan finds himself drifting to sleep. 

When he wakes John is still at his side, kneeling by the bed resting his head on the mattress atop his folded arms. 

The migraine has dissipated, mostly, and Kaidan thinks about what happened, what John did for him, about the kiss. About how, despite all their worrying, it felt so right. So good. 

He runs a hand over John’s head and he startles awake, jerking upright and blinking blearily. 

“Sorry,” Kaidan whispers. John shakes his head and winces as he moves – not the most comfortable place to sleep. He rolls his shoulders and asks Kaidan how he’s doing. 

“Better,” Kaidan says. “Not quite good enough to get up, but better.” 

John smiles softly at him, and when Kaidan puts a hand to his shoulder, pulling him closer, they kiss, softly, lingering. 

John’s the one who pulls away, but the look in his eyes floors Kaidan; it’s been a long time since anyone looked at him like that, like he’s precious, like he’s special. Like he’s everything. Looking away, John rubs his lower back. 

“I think I better get some sleep. Do you need anything?” 

Kaidan shakes his head. “I’ve got everything I need right here.” 

John stares at him and then kisses him again. “Me too,” he murmurs, smiling, then stands, stretching, groaning slightly.

He gets into the bunk above Kaidan and before sleep descends on Kaidan again, he smiles up at the bunk and thinks that he might, possibly, be glad of his migraines for the first time in his life – it helped him get out of his own way.


	10. Chapter 10

They’ve seen enough of Cerberus by now to know that they’re complete bastards, but the thing with Toombs…

He was part of John’s squad on the mission to Akuze, the mission that went to hell. The whole squad, save John, had supposedly been wiped out by thresher maws. 

Now they know that’s not true. 

Cerberus lured the thresher maws to the outpost, and Toombs didn’t die, but what happened – what happened might’ve been worse. They captured him and they tortured him – injecting him with thresher maw acid and who knows what else. 

God. 

Kaidan doesn’t know what to think, and he can’t even imagine what John is going through. 

As soon as they boarded the Normandy, Jane took one look at John and told him to take some time out. She’d also told him to talk to Chakwas if he needed to, but no-one was surprised when he refused. 

_Go with him,_ she murmured to Kaidan, which is definitely preferential treatment, but Kaidan’s very glad of it. 

He followed John to their quarters, and when he steps inside, he’s sitting on his bunk, staring at the floor with his brows pinched, his forehead deeply lined and his eyes shining. When Kaidan steps in, John looks up and Kaidan feels the last of his resolve splintering and cracking. He doesn't care about regulations any more, he cares about John, he cares about how close John is to breaking and he'd do anything to stop that.

"It isn't your fault," he says, and John still refuses to meet his eyes. "John, it _isn't_. And if you'd been caught by Cerberus instead of him - what difference would it have made, really?"

"It would mean he hadn't been tortured! Those bastards, they-“ He takes a shaky breath. “And what did I get? A fucking _medal_ , they gave me a medal for not being killed! They gave me a medal for letting Toombs get captured-"

"They gave you a medal for doing your damnedest to save your men! Just because you didn't succeed doesn't mean you're not a hero."

"It _does,"_ John says, and his eyes are shining now, so close to spilling over. "I didn't do anything, I didn't do _enough."_

"You went above and beyond, John," Kaidan says. "Like you always do. Every mission I've been on with you, you do everything to make sure no-one else gets hurt. You threw yourself in front of rachni, bullets, even explosives-"

"Don't mistake a death wish for heroism, Kaidan." And fuck, _fuck,_ he sounds so defeated, so utterly defeated.

"I know who I'm looking at, John. I know who I see."

John looks at him, and a tear escapes, tracking down his cheek. He wipes it away angrily. "And what's that, K?"

"A hero. A man who's been to hell and come back. Who's survived everything the galaxy could throw at him, and stayed sane. Stayed compassionate, who's always putting other people first. You're not who you think you are - I wouldn't feel this way about you if you were."

"And how's that, Kaidan?"

Kaidan stares at him, his own words tripping him up. He swallows, and takes John's hand. "I - I care about you. So much. I like you, in a way I've not liked anyone in a long time. Because you're a good person. Because you have strong beliefs and morals, because you always put other people first, because you're so much more than you give yourself credit for and I-"

And then John is kissing him, hard, breathless, and Kaidan is falling, falling, grabbing onto John's shoulders to anchor himself.

 _John, John,_ Kaidan thinks, falling a little deeper as John pulls him close, sliding his tongue into his mouth with a kind of desperation, a desperation Kaidan feels echoed in himself. They've resisted so long but this feels inevitable - not just the physical but so much more, this is so much deeper.

Maybe back on the Citadel, when they first met, maybe back then it was just physical attraction - but no. It was already more than that, even then.

But now, as he pulls them both down onto the bed, feels John’s weight on top of him; the taste of him, the feel of him. Kaidan wants him, he _wants_ him, in every sense of the word, in every way he can have him. And maybe this isn't the time, but if Kaidan can distract John from everything that's threatening to tear him apart then this is exactly the time.

"I like you too," John says, sounding wrecked. "You mean so much to me, Kaidan, knowing you're here for me - it means everything."

"Always, John," Kaidan says, running his hand over John's head, feeling the fuzz of his buzzcut beneath his fingers. "As long as you want me."

"Always, Kaidan."

They lie there, foreheads pressed together, just breathing. Kaidan is there for John, ready to be anything he needs. 

What he needs is someone to hold, someone to murmur to him, telling him how much he means, how much he cares. To kiss him, his lips, his cheek, his forehead; to wipe away the tears that fall. 

And then, eventually, to hold him as he falls asleep. 

===

It's not the first time Kaidan has woken in John's arms, but this is better than Noveria. Not great - they still have Toombs and Akuze standing between them, and Kaidan suspects John’s guilt about that isn’t going anywhere soon.

But John is breathing slow and even against Kaidan, curled up with his back to Kaidan's chest. Kaidan tightens his arm, pulling him a little closer, and kisses the back of his neck.

He's had enough of pretending he doesn't want this, when he's never wanted anything more. It's complicated and it's messy but everything about this is, from Saren to the geth to the Reapers and everything in between.

Then again - no. The rank and the fraternisation stuff, that's messy. But when you get down to it, when you get down to him and John, that's not messy. That's as simple as can be. He likes John; John likes him. The only thing that's making it complicated is _them_ , because they feel like it needs to be.

Kaidan sighs. In some ways it is - John is still his superior officer, John is still their CO's twin, but if Jane and John can deal with the perils of fraternisation then so can he.


	11. Chapter 11

Kaidan frets about it all day – worried about John, about how he’s dealing with Toombs and about them, too – if they’re doing this, if they’re really doing this, what does that mean, what implications will it have, for them as friends and as co-workers?

Sure, they dated before they did pretty much anything else, but still-

And so it goes, circular thoughts, round and round, hounding him. 

His head is pounding by the time his shift is over – just a headache, not a migraine, thank goodness. When his shift is over, he goes to his bunk and lies down. He intended to read, but it turns out that those worries aren’t done with him, and he continues to fret right up until John steps into the room. 

For a moment, they stare at each other, then Kaidan looks away, swallowing, and John sits at his desk, powering up his console. 

Kaidan wants John. He wants him like he’s never wanted anyone, he aches with it, but they _can’t_. Or… they shouldn’t. But-

When he looks up again, John is watching him, thought he quickly looks away, pretending he isn’t.

Kaidan’s never felt conflicted like this, ever. But then, he’s never been incredibly attracted to a superior officer before.

 _No,_ he thinks. It’s not just attraction. If it was, this would be easier to deal with, to ignore. But this is… He wants John, yes, but he cares for him. A lot.

 _I love him,_ he thinks, his throat dry, and squeezes his eyes shut. This is stupid, this is so stupid-

“Hey,” John says, softly, and the slight squeak of his chair turning makes Kaidan open his eyes. John’s looking at him, concerned. “Are you okay? Is it a migraine? I can turn the lights down, or I could go work somewhere else-“

“No,” Kaidan says, too quickly, and sits up. “It’s – it’s not a migraine. I’m just – thinking too hard.”

John laughs, and sits back in his chair. God, it’s good to hear that sound - after how he’s been lately, especially after Toombs, it’s been too long since Kaidan heard him laugh, saw him smile. And with everything that happened last night - after both of them avoiding talking about it - he’d started to worry that he’d screwed everything up. But John is smiling at him, full of affection, and seeing it makes Kaidan’s heart happy.

“Kaidan Alenko, thinking too hard? Surely not.”

“Laugh it up, Shepard,” Kaidan grouses, and John does indeed laugh again.

“Seriously, though – do you want to talk about it?” He licks his lips, nervous suddenly, like he’s realised what Kaidan might be thinking about it. “It - it might help.”

“Actually – I think I’m going to see if Williams is up for bartering some of her moonshine.” _Don’t be a coward_ he thinks as he stands, and adds, “Want to join me?”

“I’d love to,” John says, and smiles one of those heartbreaker smiles of his, the kind that make Kaidan’s knees feel weak. He offers a hand, and John takes it and doesn’t let go for a long moment. They look at each other and don’t look away, and Kaidan wants to kiss him, wants it like he’s never wanted anything else - but John looks away, drops his hand after squeezing it gently. “Lead the way.”

Turns out Ash is indeed up for bartering some of her brew, since Kaidan has some chocolate, the good stuff, that he’s been hoarding. She’s clearly been craving it, because she gives him an almost-full bottle for four bars.

“There’s a space behind the crates in the corner,” she tells them, pointing at the far side of the shuttle bay. “Good place for making sure no-one can find you. The noise of whatever Garrus is doing with the Mako will drown out your voices, too.”

“You’re a good egg, Ash,” Kaidan tells her, and she waves him away, already busy tearing into one of the bars. 

Garrus glances at them as they sneak behind the crates, bottle in hand. Kaidan couldn’t say what that twitch of his mandibles means. If he had to guess, he’d say he’s amused. Very amused.

The space is tight, just enough for the two of them to sit side by side, knees and shoulders touching, backs to the wall and boots braced against the crates. The floor is uncomfortable as all hell, and the wall is wickedly cold, but Kaidan feels warm anyway, too warm, and a swig of the moonshine doesn’t help one bit.

“Jesus,” he coughs, and hands it over to John. “That’s-“ He doesn’t have words for what it is, and from the look on John’s face after he has a mouthful suggests he doesn’t, either.

“I swear that’s worse that her last batch. What the hell is that made of, anyway?”

“Some questions are best left unanswered.”

John smiles at him, a little too soft, a little too warm. “Some things, though. Some things, we should probably talk about.”

“John,” Kaidan says, then takes the bottle from him, taking another disgusting mouthful of it, then stares up at the ceiling. “If I – if we- This isn’t just-“ He stops and glares at the ceiling like it’s done him more than one wrong. “I care about you, John. A lot - more than I should. But you’re still my superior officer.”

“I’m a lot more than that, Kaidan. And you’re a lot more to me that a staff lieutenant.”

When Kaidan looks away from the ceiling and meets John’s eyes, it’s one of the bravest things he’s ever done.

But god, it’s worth it.

Because in John’s eyes he sees everything he feels. The want and the need, the affection – maybe even love. It makes him feel wanted, it makes him feel special.

It makes him want this, whatever the cost.

Maybe he can blame it on the moonshine and the biotic metabolism, but he lifts a hand and puts it to John’s cheek, feels the roughness of his stubble under his fingers. John’s eyes close and he leans into Kaidan’s touch, puts his own hand to Kaidan’s to keep it there. Kaidan smiles, feeling like his heart is expanding to fill his chest, his body, the whole damn shuttle bay.

And then John turns to kiss Kaidan’s palm before looking over at him, and Kaidan has to kiss him, he _has_ to. Sliding his hand down to John’s neck he tugs him closer and leans in, not quite touching but he can feel the heat of John’s breath on his lips. They pause like that, not-quite-kissing, neither of them moving that last inch.

“It has to be your choice, K,” John says, his nose brushing against Kaidan’s. “Like you said, I’m your superior officer and I need to know you want this.”

“How could I not?” Kaidan murmurs, and closes the gap. Their lips brush and Kaidan gasps as John’s biotics spark against his skin, a little like a static shock but more pleasant, much more pleasant.

“Sorry-”

“Don’t be,” Kaidan says, shivering and kissing him again. It starts off hungry and eager and ramps up quickly, until Kaidan scrambles into John’s lap, straddling him, his own hardening cock pressed against John’s.

The feel of it is like a splash of cold water and red hot sparks all at once, and they stare at each other, wide-eyed.

“We should take this back to our bunk,” Kaidan whispers, and John nods, kissing him again.

“Yeah. Yeah, we should. We really should.” 

But they can’t keep their hands off each other, or more accurately, Kaidan can’t. Like with the kiss, John’s letting him take the lead, so Kaidan runs his hands over hard pecs, enjoying the rumble of John’s groan when Kaidan’s thumbs circle his nipples through his uniform. Kaidan slides his hands down John’s side, over his stomach, then down to squeeze his cock. He feels drunk, not on the moonshine but on _this_ , on them, and he kisses John’s mouth, swallows down his moan.

“Come on,” Kaidan says, and pushes himself to his feet before he really does get carried away. If they’re going to do this they’re going to do it properly; this has been building for months and deserves so much more than a rushed handjob in the corner of the shuttle bay.

He offers John his hand and he takes it, but when they’re both on their feet they end up kissing again, neither of them able to keep their hands off each other.

“Come _on,”_ Kaidan says, laughing lightly, and ducking to grab the mostly-full bottle of moonshine before pulling John out of the little hidey hole.

Both of them resolutely ignore everyone else in the shuttle bay as they head for the elevator, and as soon as the door closes, John pushes him against the wall, but then pauses, waiting for Kaidan. Kaidan growls and pulls him down for a kiss.

“I want you, John, I want this. You don’t have to wait for permission.”

“Maybe I’m waiting for orders,” John says with a dangerous smile and Kaidan groans, because _yes_ , that sounds good, that sounds amazing, but right now so does anything and everything.

“Then I’m ordering you to stop standing on ceremony. There are no ranks between us, not right now.”

“Understood,” John says, and kisses him, and Kaidan has never been so glad that the elevator is slow as hell. When the doors slide open they have to show some semblance of professionalism, nodding to colleagues changing shifts, but the instant they’re in their room John pushes him against the wall and this time he doesn’t hesitate. He kisses Kaidan, hard and breathless, sliding his tongue into his mouth. _God, yes,_ Kaidan thinks, holding John tightly, giving as good as he’s getting.

"I want you so much," he gasps. "I want - I want everything."

"Me too, K, since the moment I saw you."

They kiss again, but then John grabs his hand, pulls him the few feet to his bunk. He lies down, pulls Kaidan on top of him, and both of them groan. There's no hiding how hard they both are, and the thought that John is hard because of him makes Kaidan even hungrier for it.

The bunk is small and it means they have to be careful; more than once one of them moves a little too far and have to catch themselves with a hand on Kaidan's desk or with a foot to the floor. But the thing is, it doesn't spoil anything - they just laugh, shift, and get back to the kissing.

It's a little awkward but they get used to the limited space quickly enough. All that matters is each other; the feel of John's body under his, the taste of his lips, his stubble scraping over Kaidan's skin. He grabs Kaidan's ass and squeezes, and Kaidan gives a guttural moan. They're doing this, they're really doing it. After all these weeks, months stretching out and wanting it more than anything...

Kaidan pulls away to catch his breath and smile at him, and John smiles back, putting a hand to his cheek.

"You make me so happy," Kaidan says, and John's smile widens.

"Right back at you. But - how about I make you even happier?" He grinds his hips against Kaidan's, drawing a groan from him, and Kaidan nods.

"I think I could stand to be a little bit happier, yeah."

And then they're kissing again, until John pulls Kaidan's shirt out from his pants, then up and off in one deft move. Kaidan moves back in to kiss him again but John puts his hands on Kaidan's chest, holding him where he is with a crooked half grin.

"God, you're gorgeous."

"Why, thank you," Kaidan says. "I bet you look pretty good under that shirt too."

"You know I do. You've not been all that subtle when you've watched me change."

"Oops," Kaidan says, feeling like a creep, but John just grins up at him.

"Don't worry - I've been watching you change too."

Kaidan laughs and shakes his head. "So we're both creeps then?"

"Looks that way."

John obligingly strips out of his shirt and throws it aside, and after a moment of staring at each other hungrily they're kissing again, a little more desperately this time. Having John's bare skin pressed against his adds fire to Kaidan's need, and he slides his tongue into John's mouth, smiles at the way it makes him whine. He can feel John's cock against his hip and he grinds against it, making them both groan.

"God, Kaidan," he manages, then pulls him in for another kiss, tongues and heat and slickness, John's nails scratching down his back and his hands on his ass. "I want - I don't even know. I want to make you come."

"Yeah, I-" Kaidan gasps as John reaches between their bodies and squeezes his cock. His eyes close as John strokes him through his trousers and all he can think is _finally, finally_ , as a deep sense of gratitude trickles through him. "I want to suck your cock," he says, eyes opening, and John states up at him. The sight of John's Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows is very pleasant, and Kaidan kisses his throat, then the freckle at the side of his neck.

"Yes please."

It's awkward with Kaidan's bunk above them, and Kaidan ends up getting out of the bed to get John's trousers off. The belt buckle is standard issue and Kaidan gets it open in seconds, and the rest follows quickly. Beneath are tight black briefs, and the shape of his cock is clearly visible.

For a moment all Kaidan can do is stare. John grins up and him and grabs himself, pulling the fabric a little tighter, making his cock even more obvious.

"Like what you see, Alenko?"

"God, yes."

"Good to hear," John says, then pushes his briefs down to his hips and pulls his cock out. Kaidan feels suddenly dizzy, and has to brace a hand on his bunk. He's wanted this for so long, so damn long; he's thought so many times about what John's cock might look like, and seeing it for the first time is almost too much. He needs to taste it like he's never needed anything, and he drops to his knees at the side of the bed.

"Kaidan," John starts, then gasps as Kaidan wraps his fingers around his cock, stroking slowly, the other hand tugging the briefs down to his knees so John can kick them off. He spreads his legs wider, and Kaidan sees a wicked-looking scar raking down the inner thigh of his left leg, from his knee almost up to his groin. He kisses it, starting near the knee, then kisses his way up, following the curve of it, while he continues to slowly stroke John's cock. His own cock is achingly hard but he ignores it; John comes first in every way.

When his lips reach the end of the scar, he glances up to see John, eyes half-lidded and mouth half-open, already breathing hard with just this teasing.

Kaidan grins at him, and lowers his lips to press a kiss to the head of John's cock. John gives a strangled noise as Kaidan follows that with a lick, giving a groan of his own at the taste of him. It makes him want more, so much more, and he licks him all over, greedily, before taking the head in his mouth. John swears quietly, a little desperately, as Kaidan takes him as far as he can; but when it hits the back of his throat, he pulls back with a gasp.

"Sorry," he says, breathing hard. "It's been a while since I did this."

John swallows and nods, sitting up a bit. "That's okay, you don't have to-"

"I didn't say I didn't want to, John," Kaidan says, and takes the opportunity to steal a kiss. "I really, _really_ want to. I just need easing into it."

"Practice makes perfect," John says slowly, a smile growing, and Kaidan nods.

"Exactly." Another kiss, Kaidan's hand still stroking him, then he pulls back to try again. He takes it more slowly this time, easing himself into it an inch at a time. John's cock fills his mouth, heavy on his tongue, and the taste of him makes his own cock ache. 

God, Kaidan had forgotten how much he likes having a mouth full of cock, and he desperately wants to touch himself - but no, not yet. He wants to take John deeper, as deep as he can, and he wraps his fingers around the base, holding him steady as he slides his lips down. It hits the back of his throat again but he's ready for it this time, and he breathes through his nose and takes it a little deeper.

"Fuck," John says, his voice shaking, and Kaidan smiles around his cock; good to know his work is appreciated. He strokes his fingers up to meet his lips as he pulls back then takes a breath before taking him in his mouth again. This time he doesn't pull off, he gets a good rhythm going, stroking him as he thrusts his lips down. He wants to deep throat him but that can wait - he needs practice and they have plenty of time to get there. 

Instead he concentrates on what he's doing, sliding his tongue over John's cock as he thrusts his mouth down onto him, and soon John's breath is coming quickly, a hand resting on Kaidan's head, fingers curling in his hair as he whispers his name, tells him how good it feels. As he works he gets more confident and speeds up the pace, takes him a little deeper, until John gasps, _I'm coming,_ gives Kaidan the chance to pull off but he doesn't take it. He feels John spill onto his tongue, the taste of him making him feel dizzy, and swallows him, licking hungrily, making sure he's got all of it.

"Kaidan, Kaidan," John gasps and pulls him in for a kiss, wet and breathless and messy, "That was so fucking _good_ , you looked- god, I can't even-" He interrupts himself by kissing Kaidan again, hungry and somewhat desperate. "C'mere," he says, pulling Kaidan on top of him again, kissing him and undoing his belt at the same time, then his fly. 

He doesn't take his time, there's no finesse here. He tugs Kaidan's cock out of his trousers and starts to stroke him. He's messy with precome and so close already - he's always loved giving blowjobs, and there's no way he's going to last long now, no matter how much he might have liked to draw it out. John's hand around him feels fucking incredible, the perfect combination of tightness and speed, pulling him closer and closer to the edge with each stroke.

"John, I'm-"

He doesn't even get the words out before he's coming, spilling over John's belly and chest, hard enough that he feels dizzy with it.

He drops his head to John's shoulder, gasping for breath as John strokes him through it, massaging every last drop from him.

"Was that okay?" John asks after a moment, kissing his temple, and Kaidan breathes a laugh, managing to lift his head.

"It was amazing," he says, and kisses him, pressing close, not caring about his come smearing between them.

Eventually he needs to breathe and he collapses onto John, kissing his neck and smiling as John's arms go around him.

"That," John says, "Was worth waiting for."

Kaidan lifts his head and smiles tiredly at him. "Oh yeah? Even though I'm out of practice?"

"If that's you out of practice, I'm not sure if I'm going to survive you getting back into it."

Kaidan laughs and kisses him, and he can't stop smiling. John's right; this was worth waiting for.

Eventually they move, and settling for wiping each other down with a towel; they're both exhausted and the showers are way too far away. Once they're somewhat clean, Kaidan kicks off his trousers and briefs, kicking them into a corner to deal with tomorrow. Seeing him naked for the first time, John gives him an appreciative, lazy smile.

"Don't get any ideas; I'm too tired for anything else."

"Even cuddling?"

"...maybe that."

John scoots back in the bunk to give Kaidan space to lie beside him, and after a moment, Kaidan lies with his back to John's chest. John rests an arm over his waist and kisses the back of his neck.

"I really like you," he whispers.

Considering that Kaidan can still taste John's come on his tongue, he can't help but grin at that. "I'd never've guessed."

"Cheeky."

"I really like you, too," Kaidan says quietly after a moment, and John hugs him a little tighter.


	12. Chapter 12

Waking up is nice. 

Waking up is _really_ nice. 

John is warm and naked next to him, curled against his back. And first Kaidan thinks he’s still asleep, but then he hears, 

“Good morning,” soft, sleep-rough, and possibly the best thing he’s heard in his entire life. 

“Good morning,” Kaidan says, and turns to face John, being careful not to fall out of the narrow bunk. They look at each other, smiling softly, and Kaidan thinks that for all his fretting, neither one of them regrets this, not even a little bit. 

And how could they?

This feels _right_. Waking up in John’s arms, looking into those stormy grey eyes first thing in the morning. This _is_ right.

“So, this - this thing between us,” Kaidan says, and John chuckles. 

“Wow, Kaidan. Plunging right in there, first thing in the morning.”

“I know,” he says, and shrugs. “But – we need to talk about this. If we don’t, I’ll only worry about it all day.”

“Okay,” John says softly, and runs a hand down Kaidan’s cheek. “This thing between us…?”

Kaidan takes a breath. “It’s - this isn’t just a - a fling for me, John. I know that this is possibly the worst time to start a relationship but-”

“End of the world? That’s the best time to start a relationship, surely,” John says, and Kaidan laughs.

“Yeah. Yeah, maybe. So-” He smiles, and strokes John’s cheek. “So does that mean you - you want this, too? You want more?”

“Hell yeah. Since the moment I saw you, K. I knew you were something special.”

“Should I remind you that you were kind of drunk the first time you saw me?”

John ducks his head, then kisses the tip of Kaidan’s nose. _“Tipsy._ But even then, I knew you weren’t just a pretty face. You’re kind, and smart, and loyal. You’re been a good friend to me these last few months, and we’re still going to be friends - but more, too.”

“And - with work and everything-”

“When we’re working, we stay professional. We’ve managed that so far; it doesn’t have to change. Off the clock - we should probably keep it quiet. Fraternisation and everything.”

“Yeah. I mean - as much as possible. I’m pretty sure Ash and everyone already know.”

“And Jane,” John says with a wince. “She’s going to pester me for gossip, but I promise I won’t give her any.” He pauses. “Nothing too personal, anyway.”

Kaidan laughs, and realises how relieved he feels now that they’ve said all of this, that they’ve come to an agreement then. “So… It’s official. You and me.”

“You and me,” John agrees, and kisses him, sweet and slow, a hand running down Kaidan’s side and resting on his hip. It makes Kaidan shiver; it makes him want more.

But they both have the first shift, and if they’re going to have any hope of keeping it quiet, both of them turning up late to work isn’t the best way to go about it.

===

The morning passes quickly enough - Adams asks Kaidan to help with calibrating one of the navigation systems, and it's complicated enough to take up most of his concentration.

After lunch, though, he's doing some routine system testing, and it's not nearly distracting enough. His mind is full of thoughts of John, and last night - of the way John groaned his name, of the taste of him, the weight of his cock on his tongue. He swallows at the memory, tries to push it away, but it's too late. His body is already reacting, his cock starting to get hard, and his mind is racing with thoughts of what might happen tonight. 

_Inappropriate,_ he tells himself, and manages to force himself to concentrate on work.

It gets extremely awkward when Jane comes to chat to him - he's half expecting her to high five him, or possibly threaten him, but she's all work.

“Hackett’s asked us to check out a rogue VI on Luna,” she tells him. “I need to finish a few things before we head over, but I want you and Tali with us - you're best placed to deal with that sort of thing.”

“Yes ma’am,” he says, and he only sounds a _little_ strained. She raises an eyebrow at him but doesn't comment on it.

“Here's the info Hackett sent - it's pretty complex, a lot of it’s above my understanding.” She hands him a datapad. “Some of it’s redacted too, which doesn't help. Would you take a look, see if you can find anything that will help us out?”

“Of course, Commander.” He manages to sound normal this time, which he's proud of.

“It's probably going to be a few days until we make our way to the Sol system but there's a lot to read - I'd appreciate it if you'd make it a priority.”

“Not a problem - I'll get right on it.”

She nods at him, then leaves, and he wonders if there's any possible way she doesn't know. She and John are so close - he can't imagine he hasn't told her.

But then, he did say that they were going to be professional about this, and telling your CO about sleeping with a junior officer isn't exactly professional.

He opens the file on the datapad, and sees with some dismay that it's nearly two hundred pages long. This is going to take some reading.

Deciding to check on the Marines before he starts so that he can dive on into the reading, he heads down to the shuttle bay.

Once he’s dismissed them, Ash grabs his arm.

“Can I have a word, LT?” She asks, and Kaidan tries not to sigh. He’s got a pretty good idea of what’s coming.

“What is it, Williams?”

She’s smirking at him, and she knows, dammit. Kaidan wishes he had someone else to blame but disappearing behind a crate with John and then hurrying back to their room hand in hand wasn't exactly subtle. "You had a good night last night, huh?"

"Very good," Kaidan says, and her smile widens. She steps closer and nudges him.

"Fancy sharing some details? You two are _really_ hot together."

"Ash!" Kaidan sputters, and maybe he should reprimand her, but he's too busy being mortified.

"I'm sure that's not news to you, Kaidan. Just means you both have good taste."

"I - don't even know what to say to that."

"Everyone else does. You two were this morning's hot topic in the mess hall."

"You didn't-"

"I didn't need to. There were ten people in here last night - there was no possible way that news wasn't going to get around."

Kaidan groans, and scrubs his eyes. "I - I think I better go and warn John."

"Pretty sure he already knows," Ash says, nodding at the elevator, where John is stepping out by Garrus's side, looking a little distraught. He looks over and meets Kaidan's eyes; Kaidan's pretty sure he looks much the same. They walk over, and Kaidan is distracted, just for a moment, by the stretch of John's uniform across his shoulders, and then by the memory of kissing the soft skin beneath-

"I'm not great at human expressions," Garrus says, "But I'm guessing Williams just gave you an update on the latest scuttlebutt."

"That we're the subject of it, you mean."

"Bit of advice, Alenko," Garrus says, and Kaidan's not great with turian expressions, either, but amusement is _dripping_ from his voice. "If you want things to stay private, do them in private."

"Does _anyone_ not know?"

"The Commander wasn't at breakfast and she's been in her office all day," Ash says. "But it's not like she didn't know you two were head over heels."

Ash and Garrus chuckle; John and Kaidan sigh. 

So much for keeping the fraternisation quiet.


	13. Chapter 13

At Jane’s request, John and Kaidan head to the comms room together. 

Neither of them have a clue what it’s about, but John says that he’s suspicious – there was an amused tone in her voice he doesn’t like. Kaidan can’t say he heard it, but her twin knows her much better than he does. 

Jane is alone as they step into the room, and she beams up at them. Kaidan looks around in case the rest of the crew are hiding behind the chairs, ready to leap out at them in some sort of surprise party, but no – there’s just the three of them. 

“Alright,” Jane says, struggling against her smile. “I've already mentioned this to Kaidan, but we’ve got a new mission from Hackett. It’ll be a good chance to see if you two fraternisers can still work together.”

John groans; Kaidan’s lips thin. 

Jane is grinning, and in all honesty, Kaidan can’t blame her. It’s been two days - the whole damn crew knows about them by now. A ship like this, especially on a high-stress mission like the one they’re on, scuttlebutt spreads like wildfire. Nothing like gossiping about your crewmates to ease the stress. 

“What’s the mission?” John asks, ignoring the rest of her sentence. 

“There’s a rogue VI on Luna,” Jane says, and John raises an eyebrow. 

Kaidan gets it - something so close to Earth – surely there must be someone closer to take care of it? Even after reading the information Jane gave him, Kaidan's not sure. Maybe it’s because of Jane’s Spectre status, something that the Alliance doesn’t want prying eyes to look into – and if it is, that can’t be a good sign. 

“Sounds like fun,” John says eventually, and Jane laughs, slapping his shoulder. 

“I knew you’d see it that way.”

=== 

When they step out of the Mako, Kaidan looks up at the bright globe of Earth above them, bright against the darkness of space. The Americas are facing them, and he feels a lurch of homesickness, a sudden wish to see his parents. To introduce them to John, for all he knows that his father will give a disapproving little frown because they’re serving together and John is his superior officer. After that, though, they’d get along, Kaidan thinks. And his mother would love John, teasing them both about his model good looks, but she’d appreciate his quiet intelligence and humility.

“Alright,” Jane says over comms, dragging him out of his thoughts. “We’ve got three bunkers to cover, it makes sense to split up. Ash, Wrex – you’re with me. Tali and Kaidan, you’re with John.”

“Roger that,” John says, glancing at Kaidan, who nods slightly. This is the first time that they’ve worked in the field together since sleeping together, but Kaidan is sure that they can be professional. Mostly.

“Keep in contact, and move on my orders. We need to make sure we move in tandem - this VI should be smart enough to learn, but if we move together, it won’t have time to adjust. We’ll take the third bunker together, since it’ll have had time to increase the defences there.”

“Understood,” John says, and with a nod, they split up. The three of them jog over to the door, their magboots adjusting to make up for the light gravity of the Moon. John draws his shotgun, and holds his hand over the entry button as Tali and Kaidan draw their weapons. “Ready, Commander.”

“On three,” she says, in the same position across the field. “One, two – three.”

From the maps that Hackett provided, they already know the layout of the bunkers. They head into the first room, and there’s no sign yet of any defences.

“Combat scanner is picking up enemies in the next room, Commander- s,” Tali says, only the barest pause between adding the plural.

“A few weapons lockers in here,” Kaidan says, looking through them. “Good quality, too.”

“We’ll take them when we’re done with the mission,” Jane says. “As payment for our services.”

“Pretty sure Hackett would just give them to you if you ask,” John says, sounding amused.

“More fun this way,” Jane says, and they hear Ash laugh over the comms. “For now though, prepare to move out.”

John glances at Tali and Kaidan, who nod, weapons at the ready.

“On my mark,” Jane says, then gives the order and they move into the next room. 

Kaidan’s HUD is flooded with red. John gestures for them to stay while he ducks around the corner to get a bead on what they’re facing.

“Assault drones,” he says. “Tali, hack one of them.”

“On it.”

Once the hacked drone has done its thing, they move out of cover to take out the rest, huddled together like they know their days are numbered. Kaidan overloads their shields, John charges into them to break up them up, then they’re easy enough to take out with just a few shots.

Leaving the room, they come to a T shaped corridor, and after Jane confirms that they have the same situation, she tells them to turn left. There are consoles that need deactivating, but Jane orders them to just shoot them. John smiles when she gives the order - sometimes, Kaidan thinks, the twins are very alike. 

All in all, the first two bunkers are pretty easy. 

The third bunker is a different matter.

Assault drones are backed up by much more deadly rocket drones, a swarm of them, even more than in the other bunkers. Jane takes one look at them and swears.

“Alright - my team will go through to the command centre and take out the systems. Hopefully that’ll feed through and the drones will stop attacking immediately. Cover us.”

“Got it,” John says, and Kaidan and Tali follow his lead, getting the attention of the drones as Ash, Wrex and Jane head down the side of the room.

Tali manages to hack one of the rocket drones, but she’s flanked by another and collapses, out for the count. Kaidan takes it out with a throw and covers her, holding a barrier over them as he applies medigel, and overloading shields of the nearest drones so that John can take them out with a Charge and a Nova, and a few blasts with a shotgun for good measure.

It leaves him out in the open, though, and a drone from an unseen rocket drone staggers him. He gets off a shot at it as he summons his Barrier, but Kaidan’s HUD tells him John’s not doing great.

“I’m alright,” Tali says, sitting up, sucking in a breath and holding her side. “Go to him, I’ll hack another drone.”

He looks at her doubtfully, but another drone flanks John, and Kaidan moves. A rocket smashes his Barrier, and he staggers in pain. Thankfully Tali finishes her hack before it can hit him again and he collapses at John’s side, throwing up a Barrier to shore up John’s as he applies a medi-gel. 

“You okay?” John asks, looking more than a little worse for wear himself. 

“I’ll be better once we get out of here.”

As the hacked rocket drone wears down the others, Kaidan and John finish them off with a few shots.

Kaidan gets to his feet with a wince and helps John up. Together they help Tali up, and when Jane and her squad return from the back room, they’re not looking much better, other than Wrex, who looks gleeful. 

“That was fun,” Wrex says, punching his hand and grinning. “What’s next!?”

“A lie down,” Ash groans, and Wrex looks at her in shock. 

“Aw, Williams, I thought you were the one human who really _got_ me.”

“That last assault drone got _me,”_ she says, rubbing her thigh, where her armour is cracked and bent. 

“Come on,” Jane says, limping as she leads the way out of the base. “Since we’re so close to Earth, what do you say we go down and ask Alliance Command if we can commandeer a spa for a few hours?”

“I’ll back you up on that,” John says, with Kaidan and Ash adding their votes. 

“Humans,” Wrex says, shaking his head sadly. “Can’t appreciate a good rocket drone fight.”


	14. Chapter 14

Kaidan stands outside Jane's cabin door, then takes a deep breath before he presses the buzzer.

The door slides open, and she looks up at him from her desk. Sitting back in her chair, she smiles up at him.

“Hey, Kaidan. Everything okay?”

“Yes, ma’am. It was about the upcoming shore leave, actually. I’d like to apply for overnight leave.”

Her smile widens, and her shoulders shake with a laugh she can’t quite hold in. “What a coincidence. John has just asked for the same thing.”

He swallows. “Oh? What are the odds?”

“About 1:1, I’d guess,” she says, and doesn’t even bother hiding her laugh this time. “I’ll tell you the same thing I told him: get a room with a king size bed and enjoy it.”

“Shepard!”

She pats his arm. “You’re practically my brother-in-law, Kaidan, I get to tease you sometimes. Sorry, but thems the rules.”

“Even if you count those first few dates on the Citadel, we’ve only been together a few months. I think it’s a bit early to start planning weddings.”

“I’ve seen the way you look at each other, Kaidan,” she says. “And I’ve never seen John look at anyone the way he looks at you. He’s got it bad.”

Kaidan knows that, but still, hearing someone else say it – hearing _Jane_ say it, who knows John better than anyone else, means a lot. “I’ve got it pretty bad too, Commander.”

“Like I said – future brother-in-law,” she says with a wink. “Overnight leave is granted, Lieutenant. Have fun.”

===

Kaidan spends half an hour than evening poring over hotel reviews on the extranet. By the time John comes in after his shift, Kaidan has database with a shortlist detailing pros and cons, and listing the star ratings from the various travel review sites. When he presents them to John, he laughs and kisses his nose.

“You’re such a dork.”

Kaidan’s pretty sure that he should be offended by that, but the way John is smiling affectionately at him softens the sting. They spend the next ten minutes on John’s bunk looking through the list, before they get districted by kissing and everything that comes after, and the datapad clatters to the floor, forgotten.

An hour later, they’re naked and sated, squashed together on the narrow bunk.

“I cannot wait to do this in a bed made for two people,” John sighs, shifting and hooking his leg around Kaidan’s.

“Shepard suggested we get a king size,” Kaidan says, and John laughs.

“My sister has the best ideas.” Twisting, he reaches off the side of the bed, grabbing the datapad so that they can look at Kaidan’s shortlist. “You really put a lot of effort into this.”

“Well, yeah. Who knows when we’re going to get leave again? I want it to be special.”

John looks up at him over the top of the datapad and then drops it between them so he can kiss him. “It’s always special with you, Kaidan.”

“Just choose a hotel, John.”

In the end, they choose one on the Presidium that has a balcony and excellent reviews. The good room service menu is also important because, as John puts it, once they’re checked in there’s no way they’re leaving the room. It’s ridiculously expensive, but for the chance to have a night together in a bed they don’t have to worry about falling out of? Worth every credit.

===

Two of the Marines get into a spat on the way to the Citadel, and Kaidan has to reprimand them, which mostly takes the form of reminding them that they’re grown-ass adults.

It takes up almost all the time he had to get ready, and they’re already in the Serpent Nebula by the time he gets back to their room to get changed. His selection is as terrible as it was for that first date, so he goes for jeans and a red-and-black plaid shirt, and runs his hand through his hair. His omni-tool beeps, and he glances down at it to see a message from John.

_In the mess x_

Kaidan smiles like a goof at the simple little message for far too long. That little x makes him far too happy.

Heading off to meet him, Kaidan's mind goes offline for a good few seconds when he sees John.

He's wearing tight jeans, maybe even the jeans he was wearing the first time they met, the jeans that did such a good job of wooing him. Then there's the tight white top which clings to his pecs and slim stomach, but it's the leather jacket over the top that makes Kaidan really stare. He - kind of has a thing about hot guys in leather jackets. The look of them, the smell of the leather. And John looks so goddamn good in his, like he was born to wear a jacket like that. Kaidan kinda wants to see him in just that and nothing else, maybe wants to fuck him wearing that and nothing else-

"Looking good, LT," Ash says from just behind him, and Kaidan kind of wants the ground to swallow him whole, as though she could read his thoughts. She comes around to stand beside him and stops, staring openly. "Wow, Commander. That - you-" She clears her throat and leans in to whisper to Kaidan, "You lucky son of a bitch."

This is a fact Kaidan is very aware of.

Ash heads off to the CIC, and John smiles, coming up to him and running a finger down the buttons of his shirt. "I'm digging the sexy lumberjack look, K."

"I thought you might." He swallows. "And, uh. Ash was right. You look _really_ good, John."

He looks pleased, and steals a kiss - nothing more than a quick peck, but considering they're in the middle of the Normandy and anyone could see them, it means a lot more than one might think.

John squeezes his hand. "When we get to hotel room, you can tell me all about it."

"How gorgeous you are?"

"What, you don't want to stroke my ego?" Kaidan snickers, and John bats his arm. _"Not_ what I meant, but yeah, I really hope some of that is going to happen too."

"That and more," Kaidan promises as they follow Ash to the airlock.

Everyone else is already outside on the dock, waiting for them. They're all in civvies, or the humans are, anyway. The others, Kaidan's not even sure what they'd wear out of uniform. Jane is wearing jeans and a slim-fitting sleeveless top that Kaidan might have admitted to appreciating before he met John - her arms aren't quite as impressive as his, but they're buff and freckled, which is kind of adorable. Ash is wearing a tight blue dress, her hair down and brushing her shoulders. She grins at Kaidan and he suspects she's just shy of giving him a thumbs up. He grins back at her - it's sweet how supportive of them she is. Joker is on crutches, still wearing his cap and something very similar to his uniform but black instead of blue. He smirks at them too.

"Wow, guys," he says. "Look at you all dressed up for your first date."

"Third, actually," John says, smirking back, and Jane snorts, coming over to slap John on the back.

"You're coming out for a drink before you get all frisky, right?" Jane asks, and John gives a put-upon sigh. When Ash gives a whoop and Joker wolf whistles, Kaidan sort of wants to hide but he stays where he is, deciding to go with stoic instead.

"We'll go check in then meet you," John says. "Where are you going?"

"Flux! You and me should get our dance on, little bro."

John snorts, and nods. "Yeah, alright. Only one drink, though."

"Sure. Wouldn't want to let anything get in the way of your special night," she says, and nudges him with an elbow. "Alright! Everyone but the lovebirds, follow me," she says, and marches towards the Wards.

Kaidan watches them go with affection; it's only been a few months since he joined the Normandy's crew, but they're something special. He's never felt this way about his crew mates before, not even on much longer postings. A lot of that's due to Jane, he thinks, then smiles, turning to John and linking their arms. There's something special about the Shepards.

"Lovebirds," John says, shaking his head, and Kaidan grins at him.

"What, you don't think it's fitting?"

John looks at him for a long moment then leans in to steal a kiss. "Very."

They hire a skycar up to the Presidium and it's Kaidan's very unfortunate privilege to discover that John is almost as bad a driver as Jane. The same devil-may-care attitude, sharp turns and undertaking, banking corners and laissez faire attitude to speed limits. By the time they pull into the bay near the hotel, Kaidan's clutching the seat, nails digging into the leather.

John gives him a confused look. "What?"

"Is terrible driving genetic?"

"Jane taught me," John says with a shrug, and that explains a lot. "And she took lessons from this asari who was on the station our parents were based out of - she was some kind of expert on ancient technology."

"Like Liara?"

John pauses, a hint of amusement in his eyes. "Definitely not." 

They get out and head to the hotel, John checking his omni-tool to make sure they're going the right way.

With the buildings on the Presidium all looking much the same from the outside, Kaidan's expecting the hotel to look like the other places he's been on the Presidium. When they step inside and see plush carpets and sweeping columns, he's startled.

"Wow."

"Yeah," John says, just as wide-eyed as Kaidan. "The reviews did say it was awe-inspiring."

"I wasn't quite expecting this, though." Despite the architecture clearly not being human in origin, it reminds him of the five-star hotels his parents used to take him to when he was a kid - that same opulence, the sense of space and luxury oozing out of every inch.  
They check in and the asari behind the counter has a well-practiced smile. Her pleasant sing-song voice reminds Kaidan of Avina, and sounds every bit as fake. She leads them to their room, and as they step inside, Kaidan's eyes are drawn to the bed. After months of a tiny shipboard bunk, and weeks of trying to share one, the bed looks enormous. It _is_ enormous, and looks incredibly comfortable.

Only when John squeezes his hand does he realise quite how obviously he's been staring, and forces himself to concentrate on the asari's spiel about dinner and amenities.

"Thank you," John says, and after she's gone, he grins at Kaidan. "They have a pool. I think I'd like to see you in a Speedo."

Kaidan snorts and taps John's arm. "I don't have a swimsuit, and you're going to see me in a lot less than that."

"Yeah, but the _mystique_ , K!"

Dropping his bag, Kaidan decides he's tired of the teasing and pulls John into a kiss, abrupt and hot, his tongue in John's mouth before he can quite catch up. It doesn't take him long, though, and his arms go around Kaidan, pulling him close, angling his head for a better angle, deepening the kiss.

They pull away, breathless, and Kaidan very much regrets that they've made plans to meet the others. He'd rather stay here with John, just the two of them, enjoying every minute of this that they can get.

"Come on," John says, stepping back and taking his hand. "The sooner we get to Flux, the sooner we're back."

When they get to Flux, everyone else is already on their - second drink? Third? Kaidan's not sure, but the tables that they've put together to accommodate everyone are littered with empties.

"Johnnyyyyy," Jane says, grabbing for his hand and reeling him in so she can hug him. "You've been gone a million years!" She gives Kaidan a conspiratorial look. "Did you guys do it already?!"

Kaidan feels his cheeks heat up as Ash starts guffawing, and she nudges him in the hip. "Nah, Commander. All that control the LT shows in the battlefield, it’s gotta carry through to the bedroom. No way he’s only a five-minute man."

"And that's my cue to go to the bar," Kaidan says, cheeks burning. John meets him there, pressing their arms together.

"I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm pretty sure Jane considers you her brother-in-law, and therefore an easy target."

"She actually called me that. When I asked for leave."

John looks at him, expression softening. "If we _do_ get married at some point, she's going to be my best man. Just to warn you."

"The bachelor party will be a thing of legend," Kaidan grins, and warmth spills through him at the suggestion of a wedding. It's too soon, obviously, _way_ too soon, but having John talk about it means he’s serious about this, about Kaidan. Even before the booze, he feels a little drunk.

They get beers and then, after a moment's thought, a shot of whiskey each. Their biotic metabolisms mean that they'll sober up as quickly as they'll get tipsy; by the time they get back to the hotel room they should be more than ready for action.

They do the shots at the table, to the wild cheering of the crew, then squeeze into a chair that Kaidan is pretty sure is only meant for one. It means they have to put their arms around one another to make sure neither of them fall off, and more than one of the others takes a picture of them.

"For blackmail purposes," Ash says, at the same time as Jane says,

"I'm sending this to Mom." When John protests she just smiles sweetly at him. "Do you remember Pete, John? Because I do."

"We were sixteen!"

"And I never did get my revenge. Until now."

Neither of them elaborate, despite the pleading of the others, so who Pete is and what happened with him remains a mystery.

The next half hour is spent with their arms around each other, listening to the others telling stories. As Garrus tells them about his days in C-Sec, specifically trying to track down a specially imported crate of giant venomous rodents from Kar’Shan that, it turned out, escaped and were never found. _Common opinion was that the Keepers ate them,_ he says, to various _ewws_ from his audience.

Maybe it's just having John's hand clasped in his that makes him a little more aware of such things, but as Garrus tells his story, Jane seems to be looking at him with something more than just friendliness. When he catches John’s eye, he looks pointedly between Jane and Garrus; John smirks back, confirming his suspicions.

 _Well,_ Kaidan thinks, and tries not to think about how human/turian sex might work.  
Eventually they manage to extricate themselves and leave Flux to a chorus of wolf whistles.

"You owe me a dance!" Jane calls after John.

"Garrus will fill in for me," he says, and the look she gives him would light a forest fire. As they leave and he sees the mildly disapproving look that Kaidan is giving him, he shrugs. "She did worse to us."


	15. Chapter 15

They get a cab back to the hotel, and when they arrive, they're both mostly sober. Slightly tipsy, the kind of tipsy that leads straight to horny. The instant they're in the elevator John pushes him against the wall and kisses him, tongue sliding into his mouth, hips grinding lazily together. Kaidan shivers and wraps his arms around him, sliding his hands down to John's ass so he can pull him closer.

"You," John whispers.

"Me?"

"You're amazing," John says. "And I want you to fuck me."

Kaidan groans and squeezes his ass. "I kinda want you to fuck me, too."

"That’s not a problem. We've got all night, and tomorrow morning. We can do _all kinds_ of things."

Breathing a laugh, Kaidan pulls him closer, groaning into John's mouth as his already-hard cock slides against his, far too many layers of cloth between them.

It’s fortunate, Kaidan thinks, that the elevator doesn't stop at any other floor; a place like this is probably full of people that would be horrified at seeing two humans grinding against each other in an elevator - it's not exactly classy. It is hot as hell, though, and Kaidan has no intention of stopping, not until they're in their room. After that, the fun will really start.

They manage to get all the way to their room without interruption, which is some sort of minor miracle all on its own. Safely inside, John immediately sheds his jacket, and it thumps to the floor with a satisfying sound. Kaidan misses the jacket - he looked so fucking good in it - but having John's arms on show makes up for it.

"Have I told you how damn sexy your arms are?" Kaidan asks, stripping off his plaid shirt, letting it fall next to John's jacket. He runs his hands down John's arms and groans when he feels him flex under his fingers.

"Oh yeah?"

"I mean - all of you, but-" He shrugs. "I'm an arm guy, what can I say."

"Good to know; so it's sleeveless tops from here on in, yeah?"

Kaidan laughs and then pushes him to the bed. "Stop - I'd never get a day of work done ever again." He climbs on top of John, who practically purrs as Kaidan summons a shimmer of barrier to sparkle over their skin.

"What about you?"

"What _about_ me?"

"The way you bend over when you're fixing your workstation - showing off that ass of yours-" He squeezes it for emphasis. "-How am I supposed to concentrate after seeing that?"

"Is this when I admit I kinda do it on purpose when you're around?"

"Bastard," John says, and kisses him. "Is this when I admit that I've gone back to our room to jerk off after seeing that? More than once?"

"God, John," Kaidan says, and grabs the hem of John's shirt, pulling it off and casting it aside. The thought of John lying on his bunk, still in uniform with a hand covering his mouth as he brings himself off is extremely appealing. "Next time you want to do that, tell me, for god's sake. I'll take a break and join you."

"We could find somewhere a little... Naughtier. Maybe behind those stasis pods, there's space there where we could have a little privacy."

Kaidan groans, then kisses him again. "Tell me what you want," he says when he manages to pull away for more than two seconds, and John bites his lip as he considers.

"For starters, I want to see you naked."

Kaidan raises an eyebrow then smiles as a plan comes into his mind. It's kind of silly, maybe even embarrassing, but it might also be a hell of a lot of fun.

He stands, then, holding John's gaze, undoes one button of his shirt, then the next, slowly; then he turns, undoing the rest and shrugging the shirt off his shoulders, winking at John, who laughs with delight.

"Are you giving me a strip tease, Kaidan?"

"I might be," he says, shimmying his torso so that the shirt falls. He plucks one hand free, then the other, and casts the shirt aside before turning back to John and running his hands down his torso, pausing at his belt.

John is lounging on the nest of pillows, and a casual observer would think he was mildly enjoying the show - the crooked smile, the crossed legs. But the hungry look in his eyes tells a different story; so does the way his right hand is twisted in the sheets, the way his breath is coming quickly. 

There's nothing _mildly_ about it. 

He's absolutely turned on, maybe as much as Kaidan's ever seen him, and Kaidan is very glad he didn't give in to his nerves.

"Do you have a secret history as a burlesque performer, K?"

"If I told you it wouldn't be a secret, would it?" He asks as he slides his belt free, then drops it, letting it coil on the floor. He plucks open the button of his jeans, then undoes the fly, and grins at the way John's eyes follow his movements intently, at the bob of his Adam's apple as he swallows. The truth is that he went off the rails a little when he got back to Earth after Jump Zero, and spent the first few years of college doing things that might shock anyone who knows him now, all those people that call him boring. But sometimes - like right now - those skills come in very handy.

He turns around so that John gets a good view of his ass as he then bends forward slowly, hands going down the outside of his legs, then looks over his shoulder again with a grin.

"Enjoying the view?"

"God, yes."

Pulling himself upright, just as slowly, Kaidan hooks his thumbs into his waistband and pushes his jeans down enough that John can appreciate his brief-clad ass, and he shakes it once, twice, before pulling them down to his ankles, then stepping out of them and kicking them aside. He turns, and John gives an eager little _come here_ gesture, but Kaidan shakes his head, letting his eyes rake up John's body, pausing to admire the very obvious erection trapped in his jeans.

Then he turns to the desk, putting one knee on it to pull off a sock, then looks over his shoulder when he hears movement. John has clearly reached the end of his patience and is approaching him, so Kaidan gently uses his biotics to push him back on the bed.

"Now, now," he says. "You said naked. I'm not naked yet."

"Kaidan," John whines, squeezing himself through his jeans, biting his lip as he does and not looking away from the show. It's incredibly distracting and Kaidan can't look away either - until he realises that John is letting him take control of this moment, and what happens next is up to him.

It's awfully tempting to just strip the rest of the way in seconds and throw himself at John, but no; Kaidan's a Sentinel, and therefore all about self-control, no matter the circumstance. Even when the circumstance is John Shepard, hard and so very ready for him on a hotel bed, with no interruptions for the next twenty or so hours.

So he swaps legs, pulls off the other sock, then achingly slowly, inches his briefs down the curve of his ass. He can hear John's breathing now, and when he turns, he sees his mouth open, his cock clearly achingly hard in his jeans.

His own cock - just as hard, just as ready - is still trapped in his briefs, and he smiles, licking his lips as he tugs on the waistband, slowly revealing it inch by inch.

"I swear to god, you're going to kill me, Alenko."

"I wouldn't want that," Kaidan says, finally, finally pulling off the briefs and tossing them onto the pile of his clothes. "Not when the best bit is still to come."

"I've got an utterly gorgeous guy naked in front of me," John says. "How does it get any better?"

"You get to fuck him," Kaidan says as he struts over to the bed. "Or have him fuck you. Since I've teased you so much, I'll let you choose which we do first."

As soon as he's within grabbing distance John pulls him on top of him, kissing him breathlessly, hands roaming over his back and ass, squeezing. Kaidan moans into his mouth, scraping his nails down John's arms, grabbing the hem of his t-shirt so he can yank it up and explore all those gorgeous muscles, so that he can squeeze his nipples and hear him groan into his mouth.

"If you enjoyed that," Kaidan says when they pull away to breathe, "You should see me doing it in an old-fashioned three piece suit and tie. Including sock suspenders."

John makes an indecent noise and grinds up against him. "That sounds like a show for a special night. Anniversary?"

"Wedding night?" Kaidan asks, teasing, and John laughs, pulling him down for a kiss.

"If you were wearing that get up for our wedding I wouldn't get through the damn ceremony."

Kaidan laughs and then they’re kissing again, losing themselves in each other. When they pull back to breathe, John looks at him thoughtfully. 

"I think," he says, "That I want you to fuck me. Hard. From behind."

"Yeah?" Kaidan asks, because he's unable to think of anything else, his brain flooded with images of it, and all he can think is _yes yes yes._

"I want to do things we can't do in our room, easily anyway."

"We could," Kaidan says. "I could fuck you over your desk."

John stares at him and swallows, nodding quickly. "Yes, yes, you should definitely do that. But right now, right here-"

"Then you'd better get your clothes off."

John nods and rolls out of bed, performs a magic trick maybe, because by the time Kaidan's grabbed the lube from his bag John's naked, still standing, cock in hand and looking like the best wet dream Kaidan's ever had.

"Gimme the lube," John says, and Kaidan throws it, following the order on impulse. John catches it with his spare hand and flips it open, stopping his slow strokes just long enough to add a little lube to that hand, then a lot to the fingers of his other. He throws the bottle to the bed, then starts to stroke himself again, the other hand going behind himself. Kaidan wants to see, almost moves to watch, but if he did he would've missed the way John's bottom lip trembles as he slides a finger into himself, the way his eyes half close, the naughty little smile he gives Kaidan.

Kaidan stares, drinking in the sight of John jerking himself off - the head of his cock is shiny now with lube and precome and Kaidan does move now, crawling across the bed and leaning over the side so he can lick John's cock, so he can wrap his lips around the head and slide them down to meet John's fingers, sucking him as he strokes himself, as he fingers himself. Kaidan wants to touch himself, too, but John wants to be fucked, and Kaidan wants to give him what he wants, for as long as he can. So he forces himself to concentrate on John, to not even grind his hips down on the bed. The weight of his own body pressing it down against the mattress is such a tease, it's not nearly enough, but this is about John, it's always about John.

"I-" John hitches a breath. "This is - so good, K, I - you - I've got three fingers in my ass, you sucking my cock, I'm - I need you to fuck me, I need it, K, please. Please."

He's _begging_ , and the desperation in his voice is the biggest damn turn on Kaidan's ever heard, but he doesn't pull off straight away. Instead he does the opposite, slides his lips further down his cock until it hits the back of his throat, then he keeps going, taking John as deep as he can, showing off what all his practice has achieved. Then he looks up at John, meeting his eyes, seeing the lust and the adoration and the need there, all of it for Kaidan.

"Please," John says again, that single syllable breaking.

Kaidan pulls off slowly, then wipes his mouth before pulling John in for a kiss, such a kiss, stealing each other's breath and promising that what comes next is even better.

Grabbing the bottle of lube, Kaidan shifts so that John can get on the bed, and he does, eagerly. On his hands and knees, he shifts the pillows to get more comfortable as Kaidan slicks up his cock, then slides two of his lubed-up fingers into John's body. They go in easily, and John groans as he scissors them.

"Please fuck me," he says, looking over his shoulder. "I need it, I need this, please, Kaidan."

"Alright, John, alright." After dropping a kiss to John's shoulder, then his lips, Kaidan straightens and aligns his cock with John's hole. Glancing up, he sees John's body shake as he takes in a deep breath. "Ready?"

"So ready."

Taking a breath of his own, Kaidan presses in-

And fuck, fuck, it's so good. Tight and hot and perfect, and the way John _keens_ , back arching, hand grabbing a pillow.

Swallowing, Kaidan forces himself to take it slow, letting John open up for him, thrusting slowly, a little deeper each time, swallowing as he watches his cock slide into John's body inch by inch.

He's trembling - they're both trembling, Kaidan can feel John shaking under his hand, and asks, breathless, "Good?"

"So good. More," John manages, and Kaidan gives it to him.

A slow thrust, another, one more - and his hips meet John's ass, he's all the way inside him, every inch. It's perfect, perfect, perfect, and they pause there, both of them, breathing hard.

"So deep, Kaidan, oh god," John says, and Kaidan shudders, running a hand down John's spine. "Fuck me, fuck me please."

So he does, slow at first, but John thrusts back onto him, taking him deeper, making his wishes known. So Kaidan puts both hands to John's hips. The first thrust is slow, very slow, pulling nearly all the way out before sliding back in. It's agonisingly slow, teasing them both, and when John says _please_ , as desperate as Kaidan's ever heard him, he gives him what he wants.

Hard and fast and deep, John pushing his hips back to meet him, it's good, it's incredible, and there's no possible way either of them can last long. Without having to worry about falling out of bed or smacking their head on Kaidan's bunk they fuck with abandon, wild and loud, meeting each other's thrust, crying out each other's names. It's completely different to any of their other times and Kaidan is swept along by the joy of it, the pure pleasure. He watches as John starts to stroke himself, hears the desperate noises he makes, loves every one of them.

"I love this, love your cock," John gasps. "Kaidan, you - I'm gonna come for you, you're gonna - _fuck-"_

"Come for me, John, come on," Kaidan says, hips snapping up to John's ass, fucking him deep, so deep. "Come for me-"

And John _wails_ , Kaidan can see his body tense, feels his ass squeeze around him and Jesus, Jesus that's almost too much-

Gasping Kaidan fucks him through it, hears him whimper, feels his climax build, ramp up out of control, and then he's coming, deep inside John, his whole body shaking as he spills inside him, crying out wordlessly, hands tightening on John's hips, and fuck, _fuck_ , it's good, it's good, it's so good.

Kaidan's eyes squeeze shut as gasps through the aftershocks, John's body still so tight around him, still so perfect, and this moment, this night, it's all perfect.

"Kaidan," John says, and he opens his eyes to see him looking over his shoulder, smiling, skin glistening with sweat, and he has never, ever looked so gorgeous. Kaidan bends over so he can kiss him, and his cock slides free. They both give a disappointed noise, but it means John can roll onto his back and they can kiss properly, easily, give in to this boneless happiness.

When they pull apart to breathe, John smiles at him, runs a hand through Kaidan's hair, then rests it on his cheek. "That was amazing. You were amazing."

"I'm pretty sure you were the amazing one."

John laughs and kisses him again. "How about we were both amazing. Or we're amazing together."

"Both. Both of those."

They kiss and kiss some more, until John shifts and then makes a face.

"I, uh - not to bring the moment down or anything but I'm lying in my own come, and it's kinda gross."

Kaidan starts to laugh, hard, and finds he can't stop. John laughs with him, pulls him close, and they grin at each other.

"That really," Kaidan kisses him again, "Really broke the moment."

"Sorry," John says, but his grin suggests he doesn't really mean it.

They get out of bed and strip the blanket off, throwing it into the corner of the room.

"We're going to have to tip so well," Kaidan laughs as they stumble to the bathroom, still kissing and still smiling, refusing to stop touching.

"The night is still young, Kaidan."

"Yeah, but we're not."

"Biotic metabolisms," John points out and - yeah, he's got a point.

They shower then order room service before cuddling up to watch the Die Hard 2 remake, which John admits is good, but still not better than the first one. With a heavy heart, Kaidan accepts that John isn't perfect in _every_ way, which results in a tickle fight and then kisses and then hand jobs, making each other come while sitting up, facing each other, looking into each other's eyes and whispering each other's name.

Kaidan cleans them up with a towel and then they collapse into bed, curled up together, smiling at each other. He's not sure when he was last this happy, if he's ever been this happy, and his last thought before he falls asleep is _I'm so damn lucky._

===

Kaidan's used to it being light when he wakes. The lights in their rooms are set to come on when they need to wake for their shift.

This is a different kind of light though, softer, gentler. When he cracks open an eye he sees the pale yellow light of the Presidium's day cycle peeking around the edges of the curtains, and smiles as he cuddles closer to John, kissing his shoulder. John opens one eye and puts an arm around his waist to keep him close. Neither of them say anything; they just hold each other and luxuriate in waking up in each other's arms in a big, comfy bed, with a whole morning stretching out before them, ready to fill with all kinds of fun.

Kaidan lets his eyes fall shut, and the next thing he’s aware of is an insistent beeping pulling him out of sleep, and then the swooping of his stomach as he comes awake enough to realise that they both fell asleep. Sitting up, he realises that the beeping is an alert coming from the softly glowing hotel comms system. Touching the screen, it brings up the message: breakfast in half an hour.

It also brings up the clock.

"Damn it," Kaidan says, and shakes John's shoulder. "John," he says when his only answer is a groan and hiding his eyes behind his forearm. "John, we overslept. We've got an hour and a half til we have to check out."

"What?" John looks at the message, the time, and then groans. "So much for having all morning..." He sits up and rubs his eyes. "We - could always skip breakfast."

He doesn't sound keen on the idea, and to be honest, neither is Kaidan. He’s starving - another side effect of the biotic metabolism - and besides, the breakfast was one of the reasons they booked this hotel, the stuff of five-star reviews. Without doubt it'll put any meal on the Normandy to shame.

"How about we shower, get breakfast, and then see how much time we have."

John nods, and they both roll out of bed. They step into the shower together without needing to discuss it and find that the thing's huge. It’s almost the size of their room on the Normandy, with a wide selection of different soaps and shampoos. They clean each other and they kiss a lot, but they refrain from anything more. Still, Kaidan is happy, joy trickling through him from last night, from waking up in John's arms, from being in John's life. Which might sound sappy as hell, but he doesn't care, not one but - every word is true.

Breakfast is every bit as amazing as the reviews said, and thanks to those biotic metabolisms of theirs, they head up for seconds and thirds, and after a moment of murmured discussion, decide that they're not above sneaking muffins and some sort of asari bread back to the room in a napkin.

In the end, they linger too long at breakfast and by the time they get back to the room they don't have time for anything other than packing.

As Kaidan's throwing his clothes in his bag, along with the stolen breakfast foods, John grabs his hand, tugging gently to get his attention. Kaidan looks at him, and is struck once more by how very gorgeous John Shepard is, and how lucky he is to have him in his life.

"Everything okay?"

"Very okay," John says, looking away for a moment, then looking back at him. "Last night was - it was amazing. I mean, it’s always been amazing, but… Being able to take our time with it in a huge bed, and being able to wake up and not have to rush off to work – well, it was pretty special.”

“It was,” Kaidan says, and kisses him softly. “We’ll have to do it again once the mission is over.”

"Or… I could ring down to see if we can get a late check out."

"We're due back at the ship-"

"They'll wait. There have to be _some_ benefits to being the CO's sister."

Kaidan laughs, then nods. "Yeah. Okay. You're more than worth a reprimand."

John calls down to reception, and Kaidan's not sure how it's going, if they're going to be able to keep the room, until John throws him onto the bed with his biotics. It makes Kaidan laugh, loud, hard, joyful.

John climbs on top of him the instant he's done with the call.

"We've got two hours, and I seem to recall some talk of me fucking you..."

"Oh, there was lots of talk. Care to make it a reality?"

John laughs and kisses him again. “You’re damn right I do.”


	16. Chapter 16

Kaidan honestly couldn’t say whether he hates Feros or Noveria more.

Noveria had the rachni, Feros has a mind-controlling plant, and both of them have Saren’s sticky little fingers all over them.

They’ve managed to take out the mind-controlled colonists in Zhu’s Hope, and they can only hope that stopping this Thorian is going to free the rest of them.

Jane goes over to the console controlling the crane attached to the ship in the middle of the colony, hits a few buttons, and it moves to reveal a staircase going down.

"I don't like this," John says, frowning at the staircase, hand going to his pistol, resting there.

"Me neither, but we've got to do this," Jane says, and he nods. She glances at Kaidan and Wrex, and both of them nod too.

"Let's get it over with," Wrex says with a snarl.

They go down the stairs, slowly, weapons up. As they descend, they're hit by a stench like nothing Kaidan's ever experienced. It's so intense it feels like a physical thing, like something viscous they're having to push through.

"I think I'm going to be sick," he mutters, trying to cover his mouth and wishing desperately that they’d worn helmets.

"Power through, Marine," Jane says as they reach the end of the stairs and step out into...

Kaidan stares.

It looks like the interior of a tower, open in the middle with balconies wrapping around around the atrium. They stretch high above and far below, but the main thing - the thing he's trying not to look at - must be the Thorian.

It's - horrific. An abomination. To call it a plant is surely stretching the limits of taxonomy. It's a giant sac the size of the Mako - bigger - with tentacle-like vines snaking across the whole tower, creeping across every floor.

"What in the hell..." Jane breathes, but then everything gets so much worse.

The thing - it – it gives birth, that's the only word for it, to an asari, a green asari. She's a thrall, controlled or maybe even created by the Thorian. That she's so beautiful, so elegant, as all asari are, only makes the horror of it so much more pronounced.

She speaks, the mouthpiece of the plant, but her words only underline everything else about this place: they are not welcome.

The Thorian entered into an agreement with Saren, it seems; an agreement he backed out of. The Thorian gave him knowledge of the Protheans, she says, and Jane sucks in a breath - that's what they need, something to help her understand the visions.

The asari - and the Thorian controlling her - are having none of it. They want them gone - they want them dead.

The asari attacks, Warp felling Jane before them, and John makes quick work of the thrall with three shotgun blasts and Shockwave to push her off the side of the floor, making her tumble into the abyss.

"I'm fine," Jane says groggily, but as John helps her to her feet, Wrex yells,

"On our right!"

They're husks, or something like them. Mindless humanoids, green-skinned, and Kaidan can only hope they were never actually human. They're tough and they're seemingly endless. It takes time to bring them down, but when they're finally out, the squad look at each other.

"Well, that was disgusting," Wrex says, then grins. "Reminds me of Tuchanka."

"Can't wait to visit, then," Jane says, and looks around. "We need to figure out what the hell is going on here. Onward and upward."

John catches Kaidan's eye and winces; Kaidan grins at him.

"Power through, Marine."

"I'd rather not," he mutters, but follows Jane. There are vines everywhere, and even some of those husk-things, crouched and curled in on themselves. They seem to have secreted some sort of protective barrier - shooting them is nothing but a waste of time.

Frowning, Jane says, "Come on."

They keep going until they see another sac - nowhere near as large as the _thing_ out in the atrium, but big enough that it looks important. After a moment Jane fires at it until it explodes, disgustingly. The main body of the Thorian sags a little, and Jane smirks - until they hear approaching footsteps.

"Shit," she says, succinct, as they see another asari, looking exactly the same as the other - a clone? - and another swarm of the husk-things.

The asari's biotics are damn strong, and doesn’t hold back. Her goal is to kill - neither she nor the Thorian have any interest in prisoners. And the husk-things? Kaidan doesn't think they have any goals at all, they're made of mindless violence - and acid, it turns out when one of them spits a stream of the stuff at John and he staggers back.

Kaidan's head snaps to the side to look at him. His shield took the brunt of it but some got through. Where it hit his armour, the surface of his chestplate starts to bubble and crack.

Kaidan gets the thing the hell away from him, throwing him into the wall, then runs up to him.

"I'm fine. Don't let them close," he says as he summons his barrier, raising his voice so that Jane and Wrex can hear. "They have some kind of acid attack."

Jane backpeddles, shooting as she goes; Wrex just laughs and head butts the last one over the balcony.

"You okay?" Jane asks, coming up to John with a frown.

"Yeah; I didn't get any on my skin, but just one hit went straight through my shields. We need to be careful."

She nods, and chews on her lip. "Okay. We need to bring this thing down, though. Those - nodes - look like they're the key. We keep hitting them, but if we're attacked again, we stay the hell away from those things. That means you too, Wrex."

"Aw, Shepard, but they make such a squishy sound when I hit them."

"We don't know how many of these things we're going to be facing and I want us to get out of here in one piece, so no melee, got it?"

Wrex sighs but agrees; she turns to Kaidan and John, though Kaidan suspects John more than him.

"Distance attacks only," John says. "Got it."

"Kaidan?"

"Understood, Commander."

They take out three more of the nodes and Kaidan doesn't even know how many of the husk-things. There's only one of the asari clones, thankfully, with each wave - they must take more energy for the Thorian to produce, he guesses. They've been hit with a few more acid attacks; the last one was aimed at Kaidan but John Charged in front of him just in time.

Fear screams in him, but when John seems to shake it off, the relief makes Kaidan's knees feel weak. Still, John's armour is visibly damaged now, and there are burn spots on his neck where it splashed.

"I'm fine," John says; Kaidan doesn't believe him, and from the look on Jane's face, neither does she, and she hails Joker.

"Normandy - any chance we can get some back up?"

"Negative, Commander," Joker replies. "We’ve still got a whole bunch of colonists wailing on us with rocks. They might not be able to do much damage to the hull, but if one of them gets in here-"

"Do what you can," Jane says. "We could really use some support."

"Roger that."

"John-"

"I'm good, Commander," he says, applying medigel to the burns on his neck. "Let's get on with it."

She frowns at him, then nods.

The next node is much the same - hit it, get mobbed by the husk-things - but they're flanked by some coming from the next level up, and John is nearest the stairs. Two of them spray him with acid before anyone can react, and he falls to his knees, clutching his throat. Kaidan slaps the things with the strongest Throw he has ever managed and runs to John, summoning a barrier to protect them. John's gasping, struggling to breathe - he must have swallowed some of the acid, it's burning his throat, his lungs.

Desperately pushing aside the terror and trusting Jane and Wrex to protect them, Kaidan does what he can - applies medi-gel, makes John drink a vial of anti-acid but it only makes a little difference.

"Get him back to the Normandy," Jane says, and Kaidan should probably argue, but the man he loves - he's not said it but he does, he fucking does - can barely breathe, might be dying in his arms.

"We've got this," Wrex says grimly, hitting one husk-thing with a shotgun, sweeping another off the balcony with one swipe of his arm.

"I-" Kaidan doesn't want to leave them, but John needs the medbay, he needs it _now_. But if the colonists are still attacking the Normandy, how can they get him there?

"Shepard," Garrus's voice comes though comms. "Me and Tali managed to get through the mob of colonists - Liara managed to hold them back with her biotics long enough for us to get through. We've got your location, we're on our way."

"Roger," Jane says. "Kaidan-"

"I'm on it." Murmuring an apology, Kaidan hoists John over his shoulder and winces when he groans; He supports enough of his weight with his biotics that he can still use his pistol. "Stay here until Garrus arrives," Kaidan adds, and Jane nods grimly.

As Kaidan makes his way down to the entry level, he's sure he can feel the Throrian watching them eyelessly, but he can barely spare any attention. John's breathing is growing more laboured, he's becoming more of a deadweight.

"Hold on," Kaidan says, trying to ignore his rapidly spiraling fear. "Please."

He's beyond grateful when he sees Garrus and Tali coming down the stairs when he gets to them.

"Oh, keelah," Tali murmurs, seeing John over Kaidan's shoulders.

"Is he-" Garrus starts, but Kaidan cuts him off.

"He'll be fine; I just need to get him back to the Normandy."

"There was a _lot_ of colonists-"

"I can take them. Go help Wrex and Shepard."

"Call Liara when you get close - she'll be able to help."

Kaidan nods; he wants to say he can do this on his own, and he probably could but he couldn't guarantee the safety of the colonists. He's tired from the fighting, terrified for John, and he doesn't know how much control he can manage.

At some point on the run back to the Normandy he feels John become a true deadweight slumped over his shoulders. He's passed out and his breathing is shallow and hissing.

 _Please,_ he thinks. He doesn't believe in god but right now he doesn't care. _Please._

"Liara, I'm approaching the Normandy and I could really use an assist," he says. "John's hurt and I need to get him to the medbay."

There's a pause, and Liara sounds exhausted when she speaks. "Say the word, Lieutenant. I'll tell Dr Chakwas to be ready as well."

Zhu's Hope is a ghost town when Kaidan arrives at the surface, tools and even weapons scattered on the floor as he runs for the docks. What he thought might be the thrum of a generator gets louder and he realises it's the wordless yelling of the colonists. They're hammering either with rocks or bare-handed on the Normandy's hull, and at first they don't pay any attention to Kaidan, not until he's within twenty feet of them. Then they turn, as one, and start to move towards him.

He summons a barrier at the same time as he says, "Liara?"

"Extend your barrier to ten feet. I'll hold them back but in case any slip past-"

"Got it." Taking a breath, Kaidan pushes past his exhaustion, expanding his barrier and shores it up as much as he can, until he's pretty sure it could stop a missile. As the colonists reach them they start wailing on his barrier, too, but they feel like people brushing past him, the lightest of impacts. He presses forward, concentrating hard on keeping the barrier around them, feeling the thud in his temples that promises the migraine from hell in the near future. Kaidan ignores it and presses on.

"Impressive, Lieutenant," Liara says over comms, then gently pushes the colonists back, taking some of the pressure off him. She makes sure they're away from the airlock as he steps into it, and it's only when the doors slide shut behind him that he lets himself do anything like relax.

But in the airlock, out of the chaos of the crowds, he realises John is barely breathing and panic ricochets through him.

"Hold on," he says, putting as much command into his voice as he can. "Don't you dare give up now!"

As soon as the airlock opens he runs through the CIC, ignoring the startled yelps of the crew, and sprints down the stairs. When he gets to the medbay Chakwas is already waiting, Liara by her side looking tied but determined.

"What happened?" Chakwas asks as Kaidan lays John down on the bed.

"Some kind of acid attack. Plant based, I'd guess. He - he swallowed some of it, burnt his throat, maybe his lungs-" _oh god oh god-_ "Applied medigel externally, anti-acid - some improvement but not much."

"This is the acid on his armour?" He nods. "Get a sample and scan it."

Kaidan does as she asks. He knows what he's doing; the machines are far more advanced than anything in his medical training but the principles are the same. Scan any unknown substance, the machine will find the most similar thing in its databases and suggest a course of treatment.

Seconds later:

"Highly acidic plant-based poison. 5.3984 percent match: karidah plant poison; 3.6672 percent match: night berry. Recommended course of action: anti-acid, digestible medigel (experimental), bronchoscopy scan, surgery."

"The Commander got some of the digestible medigel from Noveria. In there," she points at a cupboard and Kaidan grabs it, brings in over to her. She's running a diagnostic on her omni-tool - the bronchoscopy scan - and from what Kaidan can see, it's worse than he'd hoped but better than he'd feared. Damage to the trachea, resulting in burns and swelling, but it didn't get into his lungs.

“Damn it,” Chakwas says, as John stops breathing altogether, and fear rips through Kaidan. “Alenko, we need to intubate him.” When Kaidan doesn't immediately move, fear that he could lose John ripping through him, she looks up with a serious expression. “I know what he means to you but you can't panic. I need your help.”

“Yes, Doc,” he manages, and moves forward. He lets his training take over, forces himself to think of John as a patient and nothing more. It doesn't always work - when he looks at John's pale face he wants to scream - but they get him breathing again, get him stable. Kaidan steps back and realises he's shaking, his ears ringing.

Chakwas takes one look at him and points at a chair. “Sit down before you faint.” He does, and curls his hands into fists to stop them shaking as she performs another scan. “The medi-gel seems to be doing its job; the burns have started to heal and the swelling is going down. We've stabilised him; barring infection he should be fine.”

Kaidan can't even think - all he can feel is a massive rush of gratitude for a moment, and he nods. “Thanks, Doc,” he manages, and Chakwas comes over to him, concern in her eyes.

“I know it can be an awful thing to see someone you care about hurt like that. If you need to talk-”

“I'll be fine, as long as he is. Just - please make sure he’s alright.”

Chakwas doesn't look entirely convinced that Kaidan is anything close to _fine_ , but she nods and goes back to John, performing a few more scans and seeming satisfied with the results. “He’s fine for now. We’ll let him rest, let the medi-gel do its work.”

“Can I stay?” Asks Kaidan, and Chakwas gives him a smile.

“Something tells me you’ll stay whatever I say. Make yourself comfortable.”

Kaidan pulls his chair over to the side of John’s bed and takes his hand.

“Don’t scare me like that,” he says, his voice shaking. “I can’t lose you.”

But he almost did, didn’t he, he almost lost him-

He’s fine, Kaidan tells himself sternly. He’s going to be fine.

After the adrenaline wears off, tiredness seeps in. He fights against it until he hears Jane announce over comms that the Thorian has been defeated, the colonists freed, and the squad is heading back to the ship.

Only then does he let himself close his eyes, John’s hand still in his own.


	17. Chapter 17

There’s a noise and Kaidan stirs to see Jane standing just inside the doorway to the medbay. He can only see her silhouette but her frame is tense, her hands curled into fists.

Rubbing his eyes, he looks at John, who's still sleeping, but his colour is better, and a quick scan with his omni-tool tells him that the medi-gel is going its job. It'll take some time to recover, but he should be okay.

"We get him here in time," Kaidan says softly. "He should be fine, given a bit of time."

"I spoke to Doc Chakwas," Jane says. "She gave me the update." She comes into the room, face drawn. Going to the other side of John's bed, she takes his hand. "I could've lost him, Kaidan. Those things-"

"It was my fault-"

"No! It wasn't. It was - it was dumb luck." She closes her eyes. “I brought him here,” Jane says quietly. “On the mission - onto the Normandy. He's part of my crew and he’s my responsibility. If anything had happened-” Her breath hitches and she drops her head into her hands. “He's my brother, Kaidan. He's – he means everything to me. If I lose him-” Her back shakes and Kaidan realises with a start that she's crying.

“Hey,” he says, going over to her, crouching beside her and putting a hand on her shoulder. She grabs him and pulls him close, her hands curling into the back of his shirt and he can feel her cheek is wet where it presses against his neck. “He's alright, he's going to be alright. We got him to the medbay in time.”

“You did,” she whispers. “You got him here. You- you helped him in the field, and Chakwas said you helped him here, too. You saved him.”

“Chakwas saved him. I just helped.”

“But if you hadn't been there-”

“I was, Shepard.”

She's still holding him tight, though her back isn't shaking any more. She's resting her head on his shoulder and looking at John.

“I know - I knew when I asked him to join the crew that something like this could happen. But the mission - with stakes this high, I needed the best. And he is the best. But I - I don't think I really _understood_ -” She shakes her head.

“I know, Shepard. I - I feel the same way. When we started this, I knew that - that if we were close it’d tear me apart if he got hurt.” He pauses. “Although, to be honest, I've felt pretty close to him since the day we met.”

“You love him.” It's not a question, but she lifts her head anyway, looking him in the eyes.

She wants an answer.

Kaidan gives her one.

It’s a big deal, even if he’s pretty sure John knows. And John should be the first to hear it, but right now Jane needs this. Kaidan thinks he might too.

Taking a breath, for the first time he admits it out loud. “Yeah. I do. I love him.”

She gives a small smile, then hugs him again. “He loves you too. I think he has for a long time.”

“So have I, ma’am.”

“Saps,” she says, and hugs him a little tighter before letting go so she can wipe at her cheeks. Kaidan stands and grabs a box of tissues from the desk and hands them over so she can blow her nose. “Come sit next to me, Kaidan. I - I don't want to be alone.”

Kaidan grabs his chair and puts it beside hers. Before he can sit, she pulls it closer, right next to hers, and when he sits, she drops her head to his shoulder.

"He's always been such a hero," she whispers. "Everyone always looks at me because of Elysium, but he's more of a hero than I could ever be. The things he's been through - I don't know if I could've survived that. He's so strong, and I'm so proud of him. I've not told him that often enough."

"He knows, Comman- Jane. He doesn't think he deserves it, but he knows."

"He's such a good person," she says, and wipes at her eyes. "He deserves good things. He deserves _you_ , Kaidan. Please look after my brother. He - can be fragile, sometimes."

"I'll be careful; you know I will."

"You better," she says, and the threat is faint but undeniable. "You're a good person too; I trust you to look after him."

That's as ringing an endorsement as it's possible to get, he thinks.

They’re silent for a long moment, then she starts to tell him stories. Things John did when they were kids, when they were at military college. She smiles as she does, reaching for his hand and squeezing it. 

After one particularly embarrassing story involving a too-small towel and a wrong turn into a drill sergeant’s quarters, Kaidan shakes his head. 

“I feel kinda bad about hearing this when John can’t stick up for himself.” 

Jane raises an eyebrow at him. “You want me to stop?” 

Laughing, Kaidan shakes his head. “Oh no, definitely not. Tell me more.” 

Jane grins at him and sits back in her chair. “There was this one time on Arcturus…”


	18. Chapter 18

John is sulking as Kaidan comes back to the room after the briefing about their next stop, Virmire.

He’d argued for coming with them; Jane had refused to listen. Kaidan’s glad. John’s still not fully healed after Feros - he still has trouble eating solid food, and his breath rasps in his sleep. He’s getting better, and Kaidan is incredibly grateful for that, but he’s not there yet.

“All ready to go?” John asks, and Kaidan nods.

“It sounds like it’ll be a tough mission. Hopefully the salarians will have more intel for us when we get there.”

“Hmm,” John says. He’s pouting a little; it’s kind of adorable.

“We’ll be there soon. I just wanted to come and say goodbye.”

 _Just in case,_ he doesn’t say, but John frowns at him anyway.

“Don’t,” he says, taking Kaidan’s hands. “You don’t get to say goodbye to me, Kaidan.”

“After Feros-”

 _”Don’t,”_ John says, shaking his head. “Just - don’t.”

“We’re soldiers, John, and this mission to find Saren is more dangerous than most. I know you know that, and I know you know - what could happen. When you got hurt-”

“I know,” John says, and he rests his forehead against Kaidan’s. Kaidan lets his eyes close, and holds John a little closer. It’s been a week and a half since Feros and he still can’t stop thinking about how close he came to losing John, the thoughts creeping up on him whenever he has a quiet moment, digging into his heart like icy fingers. “But you shouldn’t tempt fate.”

Kaidan likes to think himself a rational man, but sailors have always been a superstitious bunch. Moving the ships to space rather than the seas hasn’t completely eliminated that, so he understands John’s fear, even shares it.

“Then how about, I’ll see you soon?”

“You will. And I’ll be waiting for you.”

John kisses him then, pulling him a little closer and not letting go. He lifts a hand to rake his fingers through Kaidan’s hair, letting his hand rest over his implant in a strange but sweet protective gesture. The kiss is short since John is still having trouble breathing, but it’s followed by another, another, and Kaidan could happily get lost in this moment, could happily stay here forever. But then over comms, Joker’s voice says, _Shore party report to the armoury,_ and the moment is broken.

John kisses him one last time, then squeezes his hand. “I’ll come with you.”

Ash raises an eyebrow at them as they turn up together and hides a smile, but Jane narrows her eyes at John.

“I hope you’re not about to try to argue with me about going down to the surface.”

“No, ma’am. Just here to help Kaidan with his armour.”

“I’ll bet,” Ash snickers, grabbing her helmet. “Is that a euphemism, boys?”

Kaidan only sighs, and tells John to go and check his weapons for him; might as well keep him busy. Jane goes over to talk to him as she does. She sticks closer to him, these days, and usually has a worried crease between her eyebrows whenever she looks his way. It’s getting on John’s nerves, slightly, Kaidan thinks, but he can’t blame her. She’s as worried about him as Kaidan is, maybe more so. 

And then there’s the guilt. The self-recrimination from the medbay hasn’t gone away, he knows, though she hides it surprisingly well. She brought her twin onto the Normandy and all the danger that brings with it; she took him onto Feros, and he could so easily have died down there. The thought makes nausea stir in Kaidan’s belly, and he’s sure Jane has the same reaction.

“Is he doing okay?” Ash asks quietly once Kaidan is in his armour, the twins still talking to each other by the gun rack.

“He’s getting there. Shepard was right to keep him off this mission, though; he’s still not fully healed.”

Ash nods, then looks at him closely. “And how are _you?_ Seeing someone you care about hurt like that - it must’ve been tough.”

“I’m - okay. Worried about him. When I think about what happened on Feros-” He cuts himself off. “Well, I try not to.”

“He’ll be okay, LT. Those Shepards are tough.”

“That they are, Williams.”

John helps him with his weapons, then looks at him as though he wants to say something, maybe something important. In the end, all he says is, “Be careful down there, Lieutenant.”

“I will, Commander.”

“That goes for you too, Shepard, Williams,” he says, stepping back as they make their last checks. “Let’s get everyone back from this in one piece.”

“We’ll do our best, Shepard,” Jane says, but there’s tension in her jaw and no humour in her voice.

Kaidan gives John a small smile and a nod before following Jane and Ash to the Mako. 

There’s a different air to the mission now - they’re all taking it more seriously. Not that they were being flippant or blasé before, but John’s injuries were a stark reminder of how high the stakes are.

Inside the Mako, they strap in, and Joker lets them fly.

The landing is unpleasant, as always, but the surroundings are anything but. Outside they can see turquoise water and lush greenery, endless blue skies stretching overhead.

“Would you look at that,” Ash says, peering through the windows. “I might take shore leave here once we’re done cleaning out the vermin.”

There are lots of vermin of the geth variety, and all of them take great pleasure in taking them out. Jane is unusually quiet, speaking little other than giving staccato orders, and Kaidan and Ash share a concerned look. There’s no time for worrying, though; after two gatehouses and dozens of geth, they bring down the AA guns and the Normandy is free to land. Joker announces that there are complications - of course there are - and after another gatehouse, they find out what.

The salarians do indeed have intel for them: Saren is breeding an army of krogan. 

Kaidan’s fought against enough krogan for that to make him shudder - they almost brought the galaxy to its knees back in the days of the Rebellions; having them _and_ the geth at his disposal would make defeating Saren nigh on impossible.

But the salarians have a solution: a nuclear bomb, made from one of their ship engines.

Jane orders Kaidan to go with the bomb – it makes sense, with his training, but still; he hates not getting to be part of the action. 

Worse still is that Ash is going with the salarians to distract the geth – _distraction_ being uncomfortably close to being a euphemism for _cannon fodder_. 

He watches as Ash goes over to the salarians squad, unease washing over him. Everything about this could so easily go wrong, in so many ways. But when it comes down to it, they don’t have a choice. They have to do it.

“She’ll be fine,” Jane says, and her jaw is tight in a very stubborn, very John-like way. “We all will. Let’s get this done.”

“Aye aye, ma’am,” Kaidan says with a nod, and heads over to the Normandy, where a small group of salarians are carrying over what must be the bomb. It looks surprisingly well constructed, considering it’s something they’ve had to make on the fly – or perhaps they’re used to this sort of thing. Considering what little Kaidan knows about the STG, that wouldn’t surprise him.

“Alright,” Kirrahe says as Kaidan steps onto the Normandy and gazes down at the bomb. Kirrahe explains how it works, and how to arm it, quickly but precisely, and makes Kaidan repeat the instructions back to him. It’s a simple process – important, since they’re going to have geth shooting at them as he tries to arm it.

“I’ve got it,” Kaidan says, and after a moment, Kirrahe nods.

“Good luck,” he says. “To all of us.”

“We might need it,” Kaidan says softly as the salarian leaves. 

Kaidan calls a contingent of marines to him, gives them the lowdown and orders to guard him while he sets the bomb.

“A cobbled together nuke?” One of them asks, looking at the thing nervously.

“Cobbled together by salarians,” Kaidan corrects, then looks up as John comes into the shuttle bay and walks over to them. “And it’s our only option. We have to destroy this facility. If we don’t, Saren gets a krogan army to go along with the geth, and that might be enough to tip the scales in his favour. We can’t let that happen.”

“Aye aye, sir,” the marine says, straightening and saluting, though he still doesn’t look happy.

“Jane gave me the sitrep,” John says. “I can help arm the bomb.”

“No,” Kaidan says quickly, looking at him, then reaches over to put a hand on his arm. “I have my orders, and so do you. I know it’s hard to take a backseat with something like this, but you have to.”

John’s lips then. “I don’t like the squad being split up like this.”

“None of us do. But you know I’m right – we have to destroy this facility.”

“I know,” John sighs, and then pulls Kaidan aside, so they’re mostly hidden behind some crates. “Come back to me, Kaidan. Promise.”

He can’t – they both know it. Stakes this high, likely as not someone’s not coming back alive. 

“I’ll do my best, Commander,” he says, and John sighs, but nods. 

“Make sure you do.”

They look at each other, and they’re still surrounded by Marines, but after a moment they step forward at the same time to kiss – almost chaste, considering their audience.

“For luck,” John says, and Kaidan ducks his head, smiling. 

“You got one for the rest of us?” One of the Marines asks with a grin, and John shakes his head. 

“Sorry, Singh. You’re on your own.”

He shares a last smile with Kaidan, and then it’s time to go. 

Whatever Virmire’s got for them, Kaidan is ready.


	19. Chapter 19

Ash. 

On Virmire, Ash-

Kaidan can’t finish the thought.

He knew the risks, and so did she. After Feros, that was clearer than ever, but even though John got hurt, he made it, damn it. 

But Ash…

“Fuck,” Kaidan says, and presses his knuckles into his eyes. 

She was his Marine. She was his _friend_. 

A badass, a smartass, a hell of shot. 

And now she’s gone. 

_God._

The door opens, pulling him from the thoughts he has trouble finishing, and he looks up. 

John looks terrible. His eyes are too bright, like he might have been crying, or at least like he wants to. John stops just inside the doorway and looks at Kaidan with an expression he can’t quite read.

“Is everything okay?” Kaidan asks, then wants to kick himself. Of course it’s not, nothing is. “How - how’s the Commander?”

“Not great,” John says quietly, looking down at his omni-tool, fidgeting with the strap. “She - she’s used to everything going her way. She was always the lucky one, you know? Don’t get me wrong, she’s worked her ass off, but she’d be the first to admit it. Things just go right for her. She’s never lost someone under her command, so this…”

“Shit,” Kaidan says, and it’s not nearly enough. And then, “God, _Ash,”_ and he wants to cry, too, god _damn_ it, damn everything, the geth and Saren and Sovereign, Virmire and the Alliance and the Council and everything, it’s not _fair_.

“I know,” John says quietly, then takes a step forward before stopping again. Kaidan rubs his eyes, like he can erase how much they sting, how much he hurts. “Kaidan, I-” He shakes his head then strides over, falling to his knees and pulling Kaidan into his arms. “I could’ve lost you, I could’ve - I can’t-” His arms tighten around him and Kaidan holds him back, just as tightly.

“I’m here,” he says, and they both know that he’s here because Ash isn’t, however much Jane insisted she made the decision tactically. It is the geth’s fault, it is Saren’s fault - but it’s their fault too. Jane chose Kaidan because of this thing between them, because of him and John, and that makes it their fault, it’s their goddamn fault.

“I love you,” John says, and pulls back to look Kaidan in the eyes, puts a hand to his cheek. “I love you, Kaidan, and- If anything does happen, I need you to know that.”

“I love you, too,” Kaidan says, feeling joy seep in amongst all the pain, feeling guilty because of it. They look at each other, give each other a small smile that quietly fades.

“I wish I’d said it before. Now, it just feels…”

“Ash would want us to be happy,” Kaidan says, and he knows that’s true, knows it’s a rock solid certainty. 

There was no fear or blame in Ash’s last words; Kaidan can only hope that he would’ve been as brave, if Jane had chosen differently.

But he’s alive, and he’s going to make the most of it. That’s what Ash would want – that’s the best way to respect her sacrifice. 

To live his life, and live the hell out of it.


	20. Chapter 20

There was no time to grieve Ash’s death. They headed to the Citadel straight away to implore the Council, to make them see how desperate things were.

And their response was to ground the Normandy.

_Grounded!_

They go through hell to get the information about Saren and Sovereign. They lost Ash, damn it, and the Council - they Council pull this BS.

Kaidan’s furious, everyone is. They’re gathered in the small Presidium bar near the embassies. It’s the nearest one to the docks, and they’re all waiting, hoping against hope that the Council might change their minds, that Udina might grow a spine and stick up for what’s right. 

The only ones who aren’t there are Joker, who refused to leave the ship, and both Shepards. Jane, furious, stayed with the Normandy; John went to comfort her. Kaidan wonders if he should’ve gone too.

“This is so typical of the Council,” Garrus says, hand wrapped around a glass of something that isn’t alcoholic, just in case they’re called to duty, but he probably wishes it was. God knows Kaidan wishes his ginger ale had booze in it. “They’re presented with something they don’t want to see, so they just ignore it.”

“But they _can’t_ ignore it,” Wrex says. “We destroyed what might have been a cure for the genophage on Virmire, and I gave that up - they better damn listen.”

“They don’t listen to anyone,” Garrus says, and shakes his head.

They’re silent then, all of them simmering in their anger.

“I don’t understand why they wouldn’t listen to Shepard,” Tali says. “They make her a Spectre, they give her all this prestige - but when she brings them the information they’ve asked for, they ignore everything she’s said. Say what you like about the Admiralty Board, at least they listen to you!”

“I don’t know much about quarian politics, but something tells me you’re being a little naive,” Garrus says, and Tali looks at him for a moment before giving a short laugh.

“Maybe you’re right. I hope I never have to find out.”

Kaidan looks up then, just in time to see John enter the bar. Spying them, he strides over and takes a seat next to Kaidan.

“Jane just got a message from Anderson - he wants to speak with her. I don’t know what it’s about but…” He shrugs, and steals a gulp of Kaidan’s ginger ale. “If anyone can come up with an idea, it’s Anderson.”

“You didn’t go with her?” Garrus asks.

“She told me not to. Plausible deniability, she said. She did tell me to come and make sure you were all ready to go, just in case.”

“You really think Anderson can do something?” Liara asks. “He’s just a captain, isn’t he?”

“He’s a lot more than that,” Kaidan says. “He would’ve been the first human Spectre years ago, if Saren hadn’t sabotaged him.”

“Whatever he’s up to, we’ll just have to wait and see what happens,” John says, but when Kaidan looks at him, he sees hope in his eyes, and that’s enough to bolster his own.

So when Jane contacts them ten minutes later, telling them all to meet her at the Normandy, it’s not exactly a surprise.

It’s damn exciting, though.

===

Anderson did have a plan, a hell of a plan: steal the Normandy.

And so they did and headed out to Ilos, the place from Jane's vision, hoping to get there before Saren and Sovereign.

They're there now, in orbit around the planet, ready for Joker to let loose the Mako in an incredibly risky landing. Kaidan argued against it, but Jane made her decision. There'll be a small infiltration team made up of herself and John, with their N7 training, and Liara with her knowledge of the Protheans.

Smaller is better, Kaidan gets that, especially with the parameters Joker’s working with - the less weight in the Mako, the more control he’ll have - but he wishes he was going with them. He promised he'd have John’s back, but he can't do that if he's not going with them.

“Alright,” Jane says, and looks at her crew, gathered around the Mako. “Those of us going down to the surface don't know what we're going to find there, so I need the rest of you to stay sharp. We might need support, or we might need extraction at short notice. Whatever it is, I need you ready.”

“You know we are, Shepard,” Garrus says, and Jane looks at him for a long moment, as though she wants to say something. Instead she nods.

“Good luck,” Kaidan says, and John looks at him with a tight smile.

“We'll be back before you know it.”

“I hope so,” Liara says, then gives a chuckle and shakes her head. “I never would've thought I'd be saying that about such an important Prothean site.”

“It'll be a lot easier to study once Saren and his geth are out of there,” Jane says. “Now come on - let’s get this over with.”

They pile into the Mako, and after a moment, Kaidan heads up to the cockpit, and god help Joker if he messes this up. 

Thankfully, he doesn’t.

“I can't believe it,” Kaidan says, and holds onto the back of Joker’s chair to stop his knees from giving up on him.

“I told you I could do it,” Joker says, and takes up position in orbit. “Now how about you do something useful and man the weapons - I don't trust these geth ships one bit.”

Kaidan nods and takes the seat to Joker’s right, the seat that was his position for the shakedown run. Co-pilot - something that's not in his job description but hell, what does he do these days that is?

He's been a co-pilot before, even a second shift pilot for a few months on one ship when the regular guy was injured. He's nothing special, but he can get the job done - even if Joker was very unimpressed with the mere suggestion of a co-pilot when Anderson first asked him to take the seat. Funny how things change - but then again, they hadn't planned on facing deadly AIs and a sentient ship the size of a city. You can't plan for that sort of thing.

The geth ships are surprisingly docile. They make no move to attack, or even intercept, but Kaidan isn’t fool enough to let his guard down. 

After half an hour there’s still no movement from the geth, which only makes him more suspicious. Why aren’t they attacking, or leaving, or _anything_? What’s happening down on the planet? They’ve barely heard anything from the team, and Kaidan would be lying if he said he wasn’t worried. 

Not that it takes much; there's a lot to worry about these days. 

“Joker,” Jane’s voice comes over comms. “We’ve got a shortcut to the Citadel.”

“Wait – what?”

“Don’t ask. But Saren’s going to get there first, if he hasn’t already. Get in touch with Hackett and let him know what’s going on. Saren, Sovereign, the geth – they’re heading to the Citadel and we _have_ to stop them.”

“Shit,” Joker says under his breath, then, “Aye, aye, ma’am.” Jane cuts off the link and Joker looks over at Kaidan. “What the fuck is going on?”

“The potential end of civilisation as we know it?” He says, and shrugs. “But we already knew that.”

“Shit,” Joker says again, and gets patched through to Hackett – the first two people he speaks to try to fob him off, but thankfully bureaucrat number three gets that this is some serious shit and puts him through. 

“Flight Lieutenant Moreau?” Hackett’s sandpapery voice comes over comms, and Kaidan’s hand twitches to salute him, even though it’s audio only. He sounds bemused. 

“Admiral, sorry for cutting through the bu- formalities, but Shepard told me to talk to you, now. She’s got a small squad, they’ve got a shortcut to the Citadel – I don’t know what that means – but she says that the Citadel is under attack, or it will be shortly. Saren, Sovereign, an army of geth. This is fate of the galaxy stuff, sir – she’s not messing around.”

Kaidan stares at Joker, impressed. There’s no way he could bring himself to talk to Hackett like that, fate of the galaxy or no. 

There’s a moment of silence, and then, 

“I’ll rally the fleets,” Hackett says, his voice turned steely. “I still don’t know what to make of Sovereign but an attack on the Citadel is a major disaster and we need to do whatever we can to stop it. Normandy – meet us in the Andura sector. We’ll wait there to hear from Shepard.”

“Roger that. Normandy out.”

When the comm link goes down, Joker lets out a breath, though whether it’s from surprise at how he talked to Hackett or just the stress of everything going straight to hell, Kaidan really couldn’t say. 

“Alright then! Looks like we’re doing the whole out of the frying pan, into the fire thing,” Joker says, and looks over at Kaidan. “You ready for this, Alenko?”

Ready to man weapons on a ship he's barely been in the cockpit of, against a foe like nothing the galaxy has seen in recorded history?

“Absolutely not,” Kaidan says, then shrugs. “But bring it on.”

They head to the Andura sector, and as soon as they’re through the relay, Kaidan sucks in a breath. 

There are more ships here than Kaidan thinks he’s ever seen in his life. All sizes, all generations – there are ancient clunkers here alongside top of the range models like Normandy. Some are battle scarred, some don’t even have nicks in their paint. 

Something tells him that won’t last long. 

They pull up alongside the outer formations. 

“You ready for this?” Joker asks, looking over at Kaidan. “If the Commander is right-”

“She is.”

“Then we're in for a hell of a fight.”

“That we are, Joker. But Saren, and Sovereign - they're responsible for all of this. For Ash and Jenkins’ deaths, for John getting hurt - for Eden Prime and Feros and Virmire, all of it. If we don't stop them, this is only the beginning.”

“Yeah, I know the stakes, Kaidan. I have been paying attention. And hey, I wasn't complaining - I'm looking forward to putting my baby through her paces.”

“You make her dance and I'll make her sing.”

Joker laughs, and shakes his head. “Seriously? How long have you been waiting for a chance to say that, Kaidan? ‘Cause I gotta tell you, it's a pretty bad line. You woo John with that kind of shit?”

“Hey - I thought it was pretty good.”

Joker rolls his eyes and hits the comms. “Admiral Hackett, the Normandy is in formation and ready when you are.”

“Roger, Normandy. Unfortunately, there’s no communications from the Citadel, nothing at all,” Hackett tells them. “Which suggests things are even worse than we feared. Worse yet, the relays near the Citadel are all locked. We can’t get through.”

“Damn it,” Joker says softly; Kaidan’s pretty sure he’d like to say something stronger, and so would he. 

He knows he should be more worried about the fact that the Reapers can apparently lock the relays as easily as hitting a light switch, but all he can think is that this means that John, and Jane and Liara, are on their own, against an army of geth, and krogan, and who knows what else. 

They need to get there, back them up, somehow, any way they can. 

“So what’s the plan, Admiral?” He asks, and he’s impressed that he sounds almost calm. 

“We’ll keep hailing the Citadel on every frequency we can. But until we can get through – there’s no way to get there.” 

Joker and Kaidan look at each other, but neither of them say anything. There’s too much to say, so many words, and most of them involve cursing. 

“It’s been a while since you were sitting up here – maybe you should get some practice in,” Joker says eventually, sitting back and folding his arms. “We’ve got the time, apparently.”

Kaidan nods. It’s a good idea, and it’s a good way to distract himself, too. Bringing up a practice interface and training programme he runs through it, sharpening his skills. It has been a while – the last time he did this was before the full shakedown cruise, and they’ve never been in ship-to-ship combat before. It’s all very well practicing, but it’s another thing entirely to be in battle.

The thought is exhilarating – and a little terrifying.

Kaidan runs through the training a few times. As he does, Joker runs through the Normandy’s systems, checking each one closely. “Adams – we good to go when we get the word?”

“Ready and raring to go, Joker,” Adams responds from Engineering. “I can’t wait to see what she can do.”

And then they wait. 

And wait. 

Until-

“Wait – I’ve got something from Citadel space,” Joker says, his fingers flying over the controls. Over comms, they hear, 

“-Destiny Ascension, main drives offline. Kinetic barriers down forty percent, the Council is onboard. I repeat, the Council is onboard!”

“My god,” Kaidan says – he’s read about the Destiny Ascension, the biggest, toughest ship in the Citadel fleet. If she’s in such bad shape, he doesn’t want to think about what the rest of the ships look like, if they still look like anything at all other than dust. 

“Normandy to the Citadel,” Joker says, adjusting the comm channel, trying to stablise it.

“Normandy to the Citadel – please tell me that’s you, Commander.”

“You were expecting someone else?”

Joker lets his head fall back in relief, and Kaidan drops his head into his hands, feeling dizzy. They’re alive. Despite all the odds, they’re _alive._

“We caught that distress call, Commander. I’m sitting here in the Andura sector with the entire Arcturus fleet. We can save the Ascension! Just unlock the relays around the Citadel and we’ll send the cavalry in.”

They hear distant, crackled conversation – Liara and John, and Kaidan gives a shaky smile to hear their voices. They're _alright._

“What’s the order, Commander?” Joker asks. “Come in now to save the Ascension, or hold back?”

There’s a pause – yet another choice Kaidan doesn’t envy her for. 

Eventually, she says, quiet but calm, “Opening the relays now, Joker. We need to save the Ascension no matter what the cost.”

“Understood,” Joker says. “Admiral-“

“We heard, Lieutenant. Our navigation team will plot the jump for the entire fleet. Hold steady.”

Joker glances at Kaidan as they await orders.

“This is it, Kaidan – you ready?”

“Just get us in there, Joker,” Kaidan says, itching to fight, to _do_ something. John and Jane and Liara – they’re risking their lives, and they’re just sitting here, waiting. 

Finally, the relay activates. With the rest of the fleet, they head through – and emerge into hell.


	21. Chapter 21

It’s like nothing Kaidan has ever seen. 

There are ships everywhere. Geth, hundreds of them, attacking and being attacked by the Citadel fleet – turians and salarians and the mighty Destiny Ascension, the hugest ship Kaidan has ever seen, apart from the Reaper now nestled safe within the Citadel’s arms.

Hackett comes over the comms. “Alliance ships move in – save the Destiny Ascension.”

The Normandy dives into the fray. 

Joker can mock all he likes, but he really does make her dance. She’s fleeter than almost any other ship out there, other than fighters; they dive and swoop between the other Alliance ships, and Kaidan brings up the controls to take out any geth ships that are in their way. A glance at the scans shows that they’re fairly heavily armed, but they don’t seem to have accounted for Normandy’s speed, or not yet, at least. 

It won’t take them long. 

Joker’s heading straight for the Destiny Ascension. Although it’s a behemoth of a ship, it’s surrounded by geth ships. It looks like a whale being hounded by piranha; worse yet, the piranhas are winning, their numbers, speed and ferocity overcoming the Ascension’s pure size.

“The Ascension’s shields are at 10%,” Kaidan warns as he glances at the sensors, and Joker darts them out of the way of a geth ship that has noticed their approach; Kaidan takes it out with their guns, which gets the notice of surrounding ships.

“Take out the geth ships attacking the Ascension,” Hackett’s voice says over the comms, which, yeah, that’s what they are doing. But the rest of the fleet is in formation now, less nimble but far deadlier. Most of the geth ignore the Normandy to tackle the dreadnoughts, which gives the Ascension a reprieve. Joker brings them under the Ascension’s belly and Kaidan picks off some of the geth there. He misses a few, but the more he uses the controls, the better a feel he gets for them.

As Joker comes around, they get a view of the whole Fifth Fleet, and a couple of the dreadnoughts don’t look like they’re doing so well. They’re too far away for Normandy to help, though, and they have their orders: protect the Ascension.

The geth seem endless, and they get a good few shots at the Normandy. The shields are hit hard, but suddenly they flash back to one hundred percent.

“Rerouted power from the FTL drive,” Tali says over comms. “So I hope we don’t need to hit light speed in the next five minutes.”

“If you hadn’t fixed those shields we might not have five minutes,” Kaidan says, and Joker banks away from a particularly nasty-looking shot from a geth cruiser – which brings them straight into the line of fire of five geth fighters. Without even thinking, Kaidan strafes the guns over all five of them, full power, and takes out their shields. A pair of turian fighters swoop from behind them to hit the engines of the central three, and the resulting explosion takes out the lot of them.

“Now that’s team work!” Joker whoops, and they dive under the burning wreckage.

Clearing his throat, he hits the comms and says, “Destiny Ascension you are all clear, repeat, you are all clear.”

And as the Ascension makes its escape, limping to the relay surrounded by a small guard consisting of most of the remnant of the Citadel fleet, the arms of the Citadel itself start to open. Slowly at first, by inches, but with the size of the station, it’s enough. 

“The Citadel is opening,” Hackett says. “All teams move in. Concentrate on Sovereign.”

And then do, all of them unleashing hell on the thing as the smaller ships of the Citadel fleet keep the remaining geth off their backs. Sovereign responds with a laser that cuts ships in half, and for all their firepower, the Alliance ships don’t seem to even be scratching it. 

“Sovereign’s too strong – we have to pull back!” Someone calls out over comms, but Hackett is having none of it. 

“Negative,” he says. “This is our only chance. Take that monster down no matter what the cost.”

Joker glances at Kaidan, who nods at him, his heart racing. 

“Unsurmountable odds?” Kaidan asks. “What – is it Tuesday?”

They both nod at each other, grim but determined - they’re both in this until the end. 

This thing is going _down_. 

They hit it and they hit it but nothing seems to put the slightest dent in it. 

Kaidan pushes the fear, the frustration away. Joker keeps getting them closer so that Kaidan can hit it with everything they’ve got, then darting away so that the weapons can recharge. The other ships – the fighters and the other frigates up close, the cruisers and the dreadnoughts hanging back to take better aim – keep going too. What else can they do? 

And then – it happens. 

Red electricity arcs over Sovereign’s black hull, and it starts to loosen its grip on the Citadel tower

Normandy swoops in, darting between the remains of destroyed Alliance ships – but Kaidan can’t think about that now, can’t think about all those soldiers who’ve lost their lives – 

“Its shields are down!” Joker says. “Now’s our chance.”

“Hit it with everything we’ve got,” Hackett says. 

And they do. Kaidan lets fly everything in the Normandy’s arsenal, and so do the rest of the Alliance ships, and some of the Citadel fleet that’s close by. Canons and lasers, every weapon they have, all of them working in concert, trying to tear the thing apart. 

Joker makes a smart manoeuvre, getting Normandy above the Reaper and then diving, letting loose their canons as he does, then using her agility to get them out of the way before Sovereign can retaliate. 

But it doesn’t get chance. 

The belly of the beast opens up for a split second, showing fire within, then it’s consumed by fire, blowing apart into a hundred pieces, each of them the size of a building or bigger still. 

Kaidan stares, adrenaline racing through him. 

They did it. 

They _did_ it!

And then-

A huge chunk smashes through the Citadel tower, and the adrenaline turns to ice. 

They might not have been there. Not right there. The tower is huge, what are the chances that Liara and the twins – John, god, John, please no – were right there?

“Commander?” Joker says, his voice slightly higher than usual. 

There’s no response. 

Swallowing, Kaidan tries to get John or Liara on comms. Nothing. 

“Maybe,” he starts, but he can’t finish the sentence. 

He swallows again. 

In the next half hour, Anderson gets in touch with them and starts the rescue mission. Schematics show that the hunk of metal that was once Sovereign did indeed hit right in the Council chambers – right where Jane and John and Liara were. 

“But the Shepards – they’re pretty much indestructible,” Garrus says as they sit in the comms room, awaiting news. “And Liara – she’s way too smart to be taken down by a chunk of hull.”

No-one responds. 

What can they say? 

_Please,_ is all Kaidan can think. _Please,_ again and again. 

He thinks about all the times he’s seen John hurt, and all the times he’s bounced back. This will be another one of those times. 

It has to be. 

He feels like a bastard for thinking mostly about John when Jane and Liara are there too, but he can’t help it. John is so important to him, he _loves_ him. This thing they’ve started – it’s just beginning but it’s already so important to him. It’s the beginning of something beautiful, something life-changing, and it can’t end now. 

It can’t. 

_Please._

And then, finally, over the comms, Anderson’s voice. 

“They’re alive.”

Kaidan can’t breathe.

The room is silent, all of them looking at each other, barely able to believe it’s true. 

“All of them,” he continues, and gives a disbelieving laugh. “The state of the Council chamber – it was _destroyed_. But these Shepards – they’re like cats, I swear, they’ve got nine lives.”

“Thank you, sir,” Kaidan hears himself saying, at the same time as he’s standing up. “Where are they?” 

“They’ve been taken to Huerta Memorial Hospital on the Presidium-“

He might say something else, but Kaidan doesn’t stick around to hear it. 

John’s alive. 

He’s alive!


	22. Chapter 22

Kaidan rushes into the hospital, heart racing, looking around wildly. There are so many people here, hurt, crying, looking for loved ones. Every species, salarian and turian and elcor, but he can't see the humans and asari he's looking for. There's a long line to see the receptionist so he wanders through the crowd, straining to see-

And then he feels it. 

John's biotics, almost as familiar to him as his own. He turns, and there he is, sitting on a windowsill because there's nowhere else to be.

“John,” Kaidan whispers, relief crashing over him. 

It's one thing to hear over comms that he's fine, another entirely to see it. He pushes his way through, and before he gets to him, John looks right at him - he can feel Kaidan’s biotics too. When Kaidan pushes his way out of the crowd he and John meet halfway, hugging each other tight enough that it's hard to breathe, and neither one of them cares.

They whisper each other's names and then they're kissing, hard and desperate, until John hisses in pain.

“What, what is it?”

“My leg,” John says, taking Kaidan's hand and pulling him over to the windowsill. He’s limping pretty badly, and worry rushes through Kaidan. “Saren had this beam - went right through my armour. Got some medi-gel on it but not quickly enough. It's going to leave quite the scar.”

“Good thing scars are sexy,” Kaidan says, before realising that's not remotely appropriate and possibly offensive. But John just laughs, then kisses him.

“Glad you think so, K.” They sit there for a moment with their foreheads touching, their hands entwined, and for all that there's so much bustle around them, Kaidan barely notices. All that matters is that John is alright.

“How's Liara and the Commander?” Kaidan asks, feeling slightly guilty about not thinking of them until now. “Anderson said that everyone would be fine, but-”

“Jane's in surgery - when Sovereign came crashing down it pretty much wrecked the place, and a piece of rubble broke her arm pretty badly.”

“Is she alright?”

“Yeah. The first responders gave her some painkillers that made her a little woozy. She held my hand all the way up here and kept talking about what a great entrance she had, climbing up on this broken off piece of Sovereign.” He's shaking his head and grinning as he says it, and honestly, that sounds like a very Jane thing to happen.

“And Liara?”

“She's fine - nothing medi-gel couldn't fix in a matter of minutes. Some high-up asari - whoever’s standing in for the Councillor, I guess - wanted to speak to her about Benezia.”

“That sounds - insensitive.”

John shrugs. “The asari might be seen as peaceful and cultured, but even they've got to have some assholes among them.”

Kaidan chuckles, then looks down at John's leg. Now that he knows, he can see the bump of the bandage under his trousers.

“You're sure you're alright?”

“I will be,” John says, and kisses him. “Though I will say, you're a sight for sore eyes. I've missed the hell out of you.”

Kaidan laughs fondly. “It's not even been half a day.”

“It’s been a very _long_ half a day.”

“The longest.” Kaidan takes John’s hand in his own, and rests it on his thigh before looking up at the chaos of the hospital. “This is going to change everything,” he says. “The Citadel being attacked like this – they’ve got to take the Reaper threat seriously now.”

“I hope so. We’ve stopped them for now, but we need to get ready, we need to make plans. The Reapers will find another way.”

An asari passes them, looking bewildered with blood pouring from a cut on her head. 

Kaidan goes to her, makes her take his seat and applies medi-gel from the small packet he keeps on him. The asari starts to talk, stilted and shaking, about the geth coming into the embassies.

“They – they just started shooting. We didn’t even have guns, or armour, or – or anything. Saphyria fought them with her biotics, I think she got a few of them, but there were so many-“ Her voice hitches. “They killed her, they just – they shot her and then moved on without even looking at her, or – I hid behind a desk, I hid, I should’ve helped, I should’ve-“ She starts to cry, hiding her face in her hands, and Kaidan puts a hand to her shoulder, feeling helpless to do anything else.

John limps over to one of the doctors and points out the asari, and the doctor comes over, checks her over and sends her to the emergency grief counselling centre that’s been set up in one of the Wards.

“I wish there was more that I could do,” the doctor says as the asari wanders off, still dazed and in shock. “But the gravely wounded have to come first.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Kaidan asks. “I’m trained as a field medic.”

The doctor looks at him, and then nods. “Talk to my head nurse. He’ll have you help some of the less injured ones, the ones who can be patched up with medi-gel and bandages.”

Kaidan nods, and squeezing John’s shoulder, follows the doctor.

The next few hours are grim. 

Kaidan works with a gaggle of other medics – mostly field medics, like him, or even first aiders from various offices across the Presidium. Patient after patient, with cuts or gunshots or broken bones – minor injuries that the doctors don’t have time for. Almost all of them are shaken, most of them civilians with no idea how to handle something like this. Hell; Kaidan’s got a decade in the military but it’s still tough. 

The sheer numbers of injured are horrifying, and he saw the damage to the Wards as the Normandy came into dock. It must be hell out there.

At some point – Kaidan’s not entirely sure when – Jane comes up to him, John by her side. She looks pale and her arm is in a sling, her face bruised all to hell. She’s in an Alliance uniform, and someone’s found John one, too.

“We need to go and speak to the Council, and then Hackett,” she tells him. “Do you want to come with us?”

“If it’s alright, Commander, I’d like to stay. Help out for a little longer.”

“Alright, Lieutenant. Just don’t burn yourself out, okay? I’ll let you know when we have orders.”

“Thanks, Shepard.” He looks up at John who gives him a smile, and squeezes his arm.

“I’ll see you later.”

Kaidan goes back to helping the injured, and keeps at it until the head nurse tells him to get out of there.

“You’ve done enough,” he tells him. “You need to rest.”

Kaidan’s about to argue, but when he finds that he’s struggling for words, he has to concede the point. Trying to continue at this point could do more harm than good.

Nodding, he struggles to his feet and goes to strip off the protective gloves, and wash his hands as thoroughly as he can. Taking his omni-tool from his pocket, he sees he has messages. Most are from John and Jane, the most recent from Jane telling him to get back to the Normandy as soon as he can.

Feeling like his whole body is heavy, Kaidan goes, too tired for even thought. Jane is standing in the cockpit when he steps through the Normandy’s airlock, and she takes one look at him and tells him to go to bed.

“No debriefing?”

“It can wait. We’re headed to Arcturus for repairs – it should take a day or two, there’ll be more than enough time for a debriefing.”

Kaidan nods and goes, heading to his quarters, feeling increasingly exhausted the nearer he gets to having the chance to lie down. He supposes he should be grateful – being this tired means he can’t think - about all the people hurt or dying, about what’s going to happen next, about what they can do against a whole fleet of ships like Sovereign.

When he steps into the room, he’s mildly disappointed that John isn’t there, but by the time Kaidan has his boots off – which takes longer than it has any right to – John comes into the room, looking worried.

“Jane said you looked like hell. She was right.”

“Thanks, John, that’s just what I wanted to hear.”

“You know what I mean,” John says, and comes to sit next to him. “That must’ve been rough.”

Kaidan nods, and rubs his eyes. “I just – need to sleep.”

“Okay,” John says and kisses him softly. “I need to go and talk with Jane about our next steps, but I wish I could stay. I’m so proud of you.”

With a tired smile, Kaidan kisses him, too. “I’m proud of you, too, Hero of the Citadel.”

John laughs and shakes his head. “That’s the other Shepard.”

“Not to me.”


	23. Chapter 23

The next thing Kaidan knows, he's being shaken awake and dragged from a black, dreamless sleep. He opens his eyes and blearily looks up at John.

"We're about to arrive at Arcturus," John says, and runs a thumb over his eyebrow. "You okay?"

Kaidan gives an indeterminate answer and pushes up onto an elbow, wincing at the pain all over his body before pushing himself up to sitting. John offers him a hand and Kaidan takes it, over balancing not entirely on purpose so John catches him, and Kaidan can lean against his chest.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'll be fine," Kaidan says, and tries not to think of just how _many_ injured people he helped in Huerta; how many more he couldn't. "The Commander said we'd have a few days here?"

"Yeah. We'll probably have to answer a bunch of questions from all kinds of people, but after the last few months that _almost_ sounds like a break."

"It sounds like politics, which is the exact opposite of a break."

John laughs and kisses him. "Well, it'll be me and Jane that'll have to deal with most of it. But come on - grab a couple of things to take on station with you. I've gotten us a room."

Kaidan blinks at him. "A room?"

"The Normandy's undergoing some pretty serious repairs so we're all getting kicked off - something Joker's not happy about. But instead of staying in barracks I've arranged for us to stay in the nearest hotel. That way we'll still be around in case we're needed and we can also share a nice big bed."

"Bed sounds pretty amazing right now," Kaidan says and yawns again. "Sorry. I know you have plans for that bed that aren't just about sleeping. But - maybe sleeping first?"

"I'm definitely up for some sleeping. I've been awake far too long."

For the first time Kaidan notices just how damned tired he looks. His skin is pale, emphasising the dark circles under his eyes.

"Then how about we go get into that big bed?"

As they dock, he and John lean against each other, just a little, shoulder to shoulder, and Kaidan links their little fingers.

"Should you be on your feet, Shepard?" Jane asks as she comes into the cockpit, and John and Kaidan turn to look at her.

"Should you?" Kaidan asks, and she gives him an incredulous look.

"Wow, Kaidan, you've come a long way from calling me beautiful."

"Wait, what?" John asks, and Jane grins at them tiredly.

"You never told him, Kaidan?"

"Uh."

John is looking from one of them to the other expectantly; Jane, it turns out, is more than happy to oblige.

"Before we met up with you in Flux - literally before he met you the first time - Kaidan came up with this dorky little line about how I was beautiful."

"It was your line, ma'am. I was just responding to it. And it's just - an objective fact. I didn't mean anything by it."

"Uh huh," she says, smirking.

"You hit on my sister five minutes before you met me?" John pulls away and folds his arms, but his attempt at looking offended is mitigated by his grin. "Seriously?"

"Like I said: objective fact. I didn't mean anything by it."

"Not once he met my studly brother, anyway," Jane says, jabbing John in the ribs with her good arm.

"Did he say _that?"_

"Come on, John, I can do better that _studly."_

"Can you?" Joker asks, peering round at him. "I've heard you two getting your flirt on, and you are definitely not smooth."

Kaidan sighs. "Alright, you've had your fun. can we stop, please?"

"Kaidan, I've told you," Jane says, clapping a hand on his shoulder. "As far as I'm concerned you're my brother-in-law. That makes you a prime target for teasing. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is."

"Wait, has there been some sort of victory proposal?" Joker asks, staring at them over his shoulder.

"No, and _please_ pay attention to where you're flying the ship," Kaidan says. "No proposal-"

"But you are checking into a hotel room again - which means you're going to have a lot of fun."

"We're going to have a lot of sleep," Kaidan corrects, and Jane pauses before saying,

"You know, that _does_ sound like a lot of fun."

"I'll second that," Joker says. "If they're kicking me off my ship anyway, I might as well catch up on my zees."

===

The hotel room is nothing special compared to the one on the Presidium, but the huge bed in the middle of the room looks like the most beautiful thing Kaidan's ever seen. John's eyeing it up too, and let's himself fall onto it diagonally with a loud sigh.

"This is literally the best thing that’s ever happened," he says, then pushes himself up a little to watch as Kaidan strips - no teasing this time, just straight up getting down to his briefs and then flopping onto the bed by John's side. "I take it back," John says, and kisses Kaidan's nose. _"This_ is the best thing ever."

He sits up to kick his boots off and wriggle out of his clothes, throwing his uniform onto the floor beside Kaidan's, then joins him under the covers.

Kaidan's already half way to asleep, but when John says, "I love you, Kaidan," he opens his eyes. John is looking at him intently, as deadly serious as Kaidan's ever seen him.

"I love you too," Kaidan says, just as serious - he's not sure he's ever meant anything as much.

After everything that's happened today - all the times they could've lost each other - they're still here, still together. Right where they belong. Hooking a leg around John's to make sure they're as close as can be, Kaidan lets his head drop to John's shoulder, and falls asleep listening to his heartbeat.


	24. Chapter 24

Kaidan wakes with a start, heart racing, and he hits the lights so that he can see John, so that he can be sure he’s alright.

John squints at him, tells the VI to put the lights down seventy percent.

“Everything okay?” He asks, and Kaidan hugs him tightly.

“I just-” He shakes his head. “You’re alright.”

“I am. And so are you.”

Kaidan nods, and looks at John. He thinks _god I love you_ and then they’re kissing, desperate and hungry, and they need more, they need something primal, something to celebrate this, being alive and together, against all the odds.

There’s a brief, breathless discussion about needing to be careful of John’s injured leg.

“Tell me what you want, K,” John says, running his hands through Kaidan’s hair.

"I want to ride you. I need you inside me."

"Yeah," John says, and pulls him down again, kissing him hard, thrusting his tongue into his mouth.

They pull apart just long enough to grab the lube from John’s bag - _anyone would’ve thought you’d planned this,_ Kaidan says with a laugh that turns into a moan as John starts to finger him. Then, when he’s ready, he straddles John and they hold each other’s gaze as John holds himself steady, and Kaidan starts to press his hips down.

The stretch is - fuck, it's so good, but just this side of too much, so he pulls in a shaking breath, then another, forcing himself to relax. John is stroking his thighs, staring up at him open mouthed, and when Kaidan carefully presses down, taking another inch of him, he groans.

"That's - you feel so good," John whispers hoarsely. "K - so fucking good."

"Yeah," Kaidan says, and rocks his hips down again, gasping as he takes him a little deeper. The pleasure is creeping up on him, overwhelming, intoxicating, and he starts to rock his hips, getting up a rhythm. He takes John a little deeper reach time, his cock filling him, stretching him. He yelps when John starts to stroke his cock, the sensation of it almost too much, but at the same time it’s perfect, it's absolutely perfect.

He groans as the pleasure floods his body, seeps into every part of him, and he lets out a shuddering breath as his hips sink down, taking John's cock all the way.

John says his name and his voice breaks on the syllables, and when Kaidan opens his eyes - barely aware he'd closed them - he sees that John is staring up at him with a light in his eyes like nothing Kaidan's ever seen, like Kaidan's the sun and he can't look away. But that's wrong - it's John that's vibrant and shining and special, and,

"I love you," Kaidan gasps, feeling John inside him and under him and with him. "I love you."

"I love you too," John says, "Always," and then moves his hips to thrust into Kaidan, not breaking the sacredness of the moment but deepening it, making it richer. This isn't just a meeting of bodies, but a meeting of hearts, and that sounds sappy as all hell but it's true, there's never been anything truer

Kaidan falls forward, resting his hands on John's shoulders and kissing him as John fucks him, hands on his hips now so that he can control the movements better.

"Your leg," Kaidan says into the kiss.

"Don't care," John says, but Kaidan does so he pushes himself up and takes control, thrusting himself down onto John's cock and finding a rhythm of his own.

The pleasure is slow building, tired as they both are, but that means there's a heaviness to it, a richness. It makes it special and it should be, this moment that by all rights shouldn't be theirs. In a hundred different timelines one or the other of them died, at a hundred different points, they could have lost each other so easily. But they didn't; somehow they're still here.

That thought makes Kaidan moan, makes his cock ache - even more so when John starts to stroke him again, hand firm and strokes off rhythm with Kaidan's thrusts so that he experiences both separately, both of them dragging him closer and closer to the edge. God, he wants to come, he wants to come for John, wants John to come inside him, and he says so, words coming fast and desperate, he's begging and when he looks down at John there's fire in his eyes. Whether he loves hearing Kaidan talk dirty or he loves what he's saying Kaidan's not sure but he keeps going as long as he can-

"-no-one has ever felt like this, your cock, it feels so good, I need you to come inside me, I want to feel it, I want to feel your come sliding out of me, down my thighs-"

And his words get more and more disjointed, finding their way out between ragged breaths because John's cock inside Kaidan and John's hand on Kaidan's cock, it's too much it's too much it's too _good-_

And he's coming, crying out as he fucks himself down onto John's cock, taking him deep as his body tenses and he comes, hard and long, spurting over John's chest and stomach.

"Fuck," John gasps and he takes over for one thrust, two, then his hips still, he throws his head back and he's coming too.

Moaning, Kaidan falls forward again to mouth at his bare throat, to nip at it softly with his teeth and kiss his pulse.

He's alive, they're both alive, despite everything the universe has thrown at them. They were never even meant to share the same ship; if John hadn't sent that tipsy message to Jane when he was in Flux, they might never have even met.

But they did.

"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me," Kaidan says, breathing still tagged as he scatters kisses over John's jaw, over his lips, his cheeks.

"K," is all John can manage, for a moment, but his arms slide around Kaidan's waist, holding him close. "You're everything," he manages eventually, running a hand through Kaidan's hair. "The best thing. My favourite thing."

"Oh?" Kaidan asks, feeling improbably pleased.

"Favourite," John repeats, then kisses him, slow, messy, deeply intimate in the way only post-coital kisses can ever be.

Eventually they remember how to move and they haul themselves out of bed.

Kaidan sucks in a breath as he does indeed feel John's come slide out of him, down his thighs, an intimacy all its own. One that makes John hold him close to kiss him hard, something almost possessive about it.

They shower, quickly - time for more in the morning - then collapse back into bed, tangling their limbs together in a knot not easily undone. They smile and kiss, then close their eyes and listen to each other breathe.

Whatever happens next, whatever unimaginable thing the galaxy throws at them, they have this.

They have each other.

"I can't believe we both made it," John says, echoing Kaidan’s thoughts, and Kaidan thinks the same thing, agrees with every fibre of his body. After all the close calls, all the missions that, by all rights, should've been their last - somehow they're both still here; somehow they're still together.

"I'm in this for the long haul," Kaidan says, and a slow smile spreads over John's face.

"Me too. You mean everything to me, K."

One last kiss, that’s broken when John starts yawning. 

“Sorry,” he says sheepishly, but Kaidan shakes his head. 

“You’ve got the right idea,” he says, and tells the VI to turn out the lights. 

They fall asleep in minutes, safe in each other’s arms.


	25. Chapter 25

John was exactly right in his prediction of what Arcturus would be all about.

Admirals grilling them individually about each mission, then together. It's exhaustive, and exhausting, and after the first day is over with, Kaidan and John retire to their hotel room and slump on the sofa. Jane's still in with the admirals, going over every single decision, and every single thing she knows about the Reapers, from the vision to talking with Sovereign to everything that Saren said.

"I hope this means they're going to do something about it," John says, then lowers his head onto Kaidan's shoulder and grabs the remote for the vid screen. He flicks through the channels, quickly skipping through the news channels that are still full of the destruction on the Citadel. He lands on something dumb, a kid's show about sarcastic talking animals and they watch it, leaning on each other, still in full uniform and too exhausted to change.

At some point Kaidan manages to gather enough energy to pull his boots off and get up to grab a glass of water for each of them and the room service menu. Crashing back down on the sofa, John swings his legs up into Kaidan's lap.

"Can you take my boots off for me?"

"Seriously?" He asks, but does it anyway. It's not just John being a brat - his leg injury has obviously been bothering him, he's been stretching it out and wincing throughout the talks, and limping whenever they've gone from one room to another. Dropping the boots to the floor, Kaidan touches his leg. "Are you okay? Should I take a look at it?"

"It's fine. Just a bit stiff. The doc in Huerta said it would be."

"I'd really prefer to take a look."

"You don't need excuses to undress me, K," he says, but unbuckles his belt and let's Kaidan do the rest.

Grabbing his medkit, Kaidan takes off the bandage, and sees the wound for the first time. He winces in empathy. From just above his inner knee, curving around his thigh to his hip, it's healing but it obviously it had been a damn deep cut, maybe right down to the bone. Even after treatment, the skin around the wound is still angry and red. Kaidan pulls on some clinical gloves and touches it gently, a little concerned it would be too warm; but no, there doesn't appear to be any infection. So he carefully applies another coating of medi-gel, murmuring _sorry, sorry_ when John winces. After rebandaging it, he presses a kiss just above the bandage and looks up at John.

"I'm so glad you're okay. Things - things could've gone differently, so easily."

"I know. But this is only the beginning."

Kaidan nods, and there's a knock at the door before he can say anything. He goes to answer it while John pulls his trousers back on.

It's Jane; she pushes past him into the room without being invited, to see John trying to fasten his trousers. Looking from one of them to the other with an amused expression, she says,

"Am I interrupting something?"

"I just changed John's bandages. That's all."

"Ohh, is that what the kids are calling it these days?" She asks with a chuckle, but she sits on John's other side and touches his good knee. "You doing okay, baby brother?"

"Exhausted, but yeah. You?" He asks, nodding at her arm, still in a sling.

"The arm's fine but my brain is pretty much flat-lining. If I have to repeat myself one more time I'm going to scream." Picking up the room service menu she flicks through it and waves it at them. "Were you planning on some alone time or can I get something off this? And preferably something alcoholic?"

"Food sounds good to me," Kaidan says, and comes over to sit on John's other side.

None of them have much energy for talking, so they order online. Jane takes over the channel surfing and finds the turian equivalent of a cartoon that's pretty much propaganda, about how everyone has to join the military and defeat unnamed enemies, with adorable animated turians with big eyes and tiny guns.

"Is this to give you and Garrus something to talk about on your date?" John asks, and Jane glares at him.

"Swear to god, Jonathan."

"What?" John asks, all innocence, and Kaidan laughs, leaning on his shoulder. Quietly, to him, he says, "You can tell she's extra pissed off when she calls me Jonathan. It's not even my name - I'm just John."

"It's not my fault Mom didn't think to give you a full name to call you when you're being an ass. She could've at least given you a middle name. Preferably an embarrassing one."

"I love Mom but she called us _John_ and _Jane_. Creativity isn't really one of her strong points."

The food arrives, along with the beer, and they eat while watching more of the turian cartoon. To human eyes it's bizarre - glorifying war and the military in a show meant for young kids, with no morals, only might. It reminds Kaidan of the Soviet propaganda from his history classes at college.

Eventually Jane pushes herself to her feet with a groan.

"I'm going to head off before I fall asleep. If tomorrow's going to be anything like today, I need to sleep in a bed." She stretches, then leans down to give John a tight hug. He hugs her back, and Kaidan thinks of what he said earlier, about how easily they could've lost each other; he has to be thinking that about Jane, too. He thinks too about how broken Jane was after John got hurt on Feros - how hard it must have been to choose John for Ilos, however clear it was that he was the right choice; she must have been terrified. That she found the courage to do it anyway says a lot about what a good commander she is.

When they eventually let each other go, she hugs him, too, tight enough to hurt.

“I know it sounds like I’m joking when I call you my brother-in-law,” she says. “But I’m not. I’m so glad you’re okay, Kaidan.”

“Feeling’s mutual, Jane,” he says, and she gives him one last hug before heading out. 

“All this talk about weddings is making me want to see you in a tux,” John says, grinning at him, and Kaidan laughs. 

“Oh yeah? All I want to get into right now is bed.”

John snorts, and kisses him. “Lead the way. But I’ll get you in that tux one day.”

===

Kaidan wakes slowly. 

It’s amazing how happy it makes him, waking up with John, warm beside him, in a real, comfortable bed. 

When he looks over at John, he finds him already awake, looking at something on his omni-tool that, knowing what a workaholic John is, is probably work-related. 

“It would be so nice to wake up like this every day,” he says softly, and John turns to look at him with a soft smile. 

He kisses him, then says, "You're not thinking of retiring are you?"

"No, no, nothing like that. I'm in this for the long haul; I know you are too. But - I don't know. Having somewhere to call home - somewhere to call ours, to go to between missions to relax. Doesn't that sound nice?"

John laughs and pulls him closer. "Are you talking about buying our own place?"

"Not right now but - yeah. At some point. After everything with the Reapers is over with." He pauses, smiling into the darkness. It sounds so easy, put like that. "I think it'd be nice."

"Yeah. It would."

They linger in bed, since this is the last time they’ll sleep in a proper bed for who knows how long, but eventually they drag themselves up. 

They shower and dress, and then head out to the docks. 

Taking a moment, gazing out at the Normandy, Kaidan feels a thrum of anticipation. 

This is it. They’ve destroyed one Reaper, and the rest are out there in dark space, waiting. 

It’s a threat to the whole galaxy. But they can band together, all of them, all the races, and work together to figure out the how and the why, working quickly to act before the Reapers can. 

Together, Kaidan is sure they can defeat it.


	26. Chapter 26

In hindsight, they should’ve known better. 

A fact Garrus points out drily when they’re still hunting geth three weeks later, with no sign of any kind of consensus from the Council.

They’re in the briefing room again, although these days it’s less briefing and more sitting around grousing.

There are plenty of geth to fight at least, and they remain as dangerous as ever. In the last skirmish out in the Terminus, one of the rocket troopers got John just after his shields were blown out, and Kaidan had ran over to cover him, whispering to him, _You have the worst goddamn luck._

And he does – it’s two days later and his arm is so badly broken that it’s still in a cast.

Tali was brought down by an infection in the same battle after a bullet grazed her suit, and she’s still coughing as they meet for a debriefing from Jane.

The rest of them aren’t injured, but the pointlessness of it all is getting to them. The Reapers are out there, figuring out another way in, and all they’re doing is picking off geth like they’re tin cans.

Jane comes into the meeting room, scowling and throwing herself into one of the seats.

“No word from the Council or the Alliance,” Jane says. “No new words, anyway. Just the same old thing: keep clearing out geth until they make a decision.”

“What happens when we’re all out of geth?” Garrus asks. “Will they finally be forced to make a decision?”

“There are millions, maybe billions, of geth platforms, so it’s unlikely that we’ll be able to completely take them out completely,” Tali says, then pauses. “Maybe that’s what they’re hoping for.”

“Keep us busy and keep us quiet,” John says, the fingers of his good hand tapping on his thigh.

“Look,” Jane says. “I’ve been thinking. Since we’re wasting our time anyway, you should take a break – get that arm healed. This is the third time in as many months that you’ve been injured.”

John stares at her. “I’m perfectly capable of doing my job, Commander,” he says shortly.

“And you’ll be even more capable after some time off. That goes for the rest of you,” she says, looking around at the rest of the squad. “When the Council finally makes their decision, likely as not we’re going to be heading straight into hell. I need you at your best.”

They look at each other.

“I wouldn’t mind a day or two on Palaven,” Garrus says eventually. “A chance to check in with the family.”

“I’ll stay. Tearing geth apart _is_ my idea of a vacation,” Wrex says.

“I’m not going anywhere,” John says, and Kaidan frowns at him.

“John – I’m with the Commander. You _have_ been injured a lot lately. A few days off might be just what you need.”

“Et tu, Brute?”

“I want you in top form - and I want you to be happy, John,” Jane says, and a note of pleading enters her voice, and when she turns her gaze on them, that’s full of pleading. “What happens next - it’s going to be a long slog. Months, maybe even years of fighting, soul-destroying stuff. I want you two to have just a little bit of happiness before that. Something to cherish. Something to keep you going in the dark days.”

“Fine, fine,” John says. “I’ll take a damn break.”

Jane looks pleased. “Then it’s settled. You and Kaidan take a break somewhere. Garrus is heading home for a few days. Anyone else?”

Liara and Tali decide to stay; when given the choice, Joker, unsurprisingly, wants to stay with the Normandy. 

“It feels strange to be splitting up like this after – after everything,” John says, and Jane laughs, slapping a hand to his shoulder.

“It’s only for a few days, Johnny.” 

“I know, I know.”

“You’re just going to miss me, admit it,” Garrus says, and John grins at him, very pointedly not looking at Jane. 

“Oh, you know it, Vakarian,” he says, putting a hand over his heart. “I’ll think of you every single day.”

“Better watch it, John, or Kaidan’ll get jealous,” Joker snorts, and the others laugh – apart from Jane, who appears to be trying not to be _too_ obvious with how hard she’s glaring at John. 

Kaidan smiles, too, but he agrees with John – it will be strange to be away from these people. Not just crewmates but friends, every one of them. For all that they’ve only served together a matter of months, he’s closer to them that almost every other crew he’s ever served upon. 

Though, in retrospect, he’s never been in quite so many life-or-death situations on a posting before. Something about the Shepard luck, or lack thereof, he thinks. 

As they head out of the comm room, John leans in and says, “Are you going to go make a vacation spreadsheet?” He asks, his voice gently teasing. “A list of starred reviews for hotels? Excursions? Must-eat restaurants?”

“Damn right,” Kaidan says, and his grin softens. “This is our first real vacation, John. I want it to be special.”

“Through the power of spreadsheets?”

Kaidan laughs, and nods. They approach his work station, and since there’s no-one around he steals a kiss before whispering, “And the power of really, really good blowjobs.”

John’s eyes widen, and his cheeks turn ever so slightly pink. 

Kaidan grins; he’s pretty sure he’s won this round. 

“Then I’ll, uh. I’ll look forward to it.” 

“Make sure you do,” Kaidan says, and steals one last kiss before turning to his console. 

He has a lot of work to do since he’s going to be away for a few days, but the image of John Shepard in swimwear keeps crossing his mind. It makes it _very_ hard to concentrate. 

Chuckling at himself, he forces himself to focus. 

_Just for now,_ he tells himself. And then, when their shift is over… maybe they can have a preview of just how fun their vacation will be. 

===

The head to the Citadel the next day so that Jane can see Anderson and Udina in person – for all the good that will do – and to drop off John, Kaidan and Garrus, so they can get transports to their destinations.

John and Kaidan have decided on Hawai’i, with a side trip to Vancouver so that Kaidan can visit his parents. The idea of meeting them made John look more nervous than Kaidan’s ever seen him, and he laughed softly, kissing his cheek. _They’ll love you,_ he’d said. 

_Oh yeah?_

_How could they not?_ Kaidan had asked, and he’s pretty sure he looked as besotted as he felt, because John’s looked pleased ever since. 

Neither of them have much in the way of hot weather outfits, they’ve packed a small bag with plans to buy more appropriate clothes when they arrive. Kaidan’s still hoping he gets to see John in a very brief swimsuit, and he’s pretty sure John is hoping for the same. 

Maybe they’ll both get lucky. 

As luck would have it, there’s a transport to London heading off a few hours after they arrive at the Citadel. They book tickets, and Jane comes with them to the transport bay, 

“Don't get into trouble without me, okay?” John says, hugging her as tightly as he can. His injured arm is out of the sling now, but Chakwas scolded him to look after it, and made Kaidan promise to make sure he does. 

“Wouldn't dream of it, Johnny,” she says, giving him a careful squeeze and then releasing him. She waves Kaidan over and gives him a hug too; thankfully not quite as bone breaking. “You look after my little brother. And remember what I told you about no ski dates - I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that surf dates are a bad idea, too.”

“You told him about breaking my leg skiing?!”

“Someone's gotta tell him the truth about what a klutz you are,” she says, but she's beaming at him. “Now go - have an amazing time and come back refreshed and ready to hunt Reapers. Because whether we've got the Council's backing or not, I'm running out of patience.”

“But normally you're the epitome of patience,” John says. She shakes her head and pokes him in the shoulder.

“Go get to your shuttle and stop giving your CO cheek.”

They head off to their shuttle, and as they board, Kaidan looks at John.

“Ready for a week of sun, sea and sand?”

“I'm ready for a week of the most incredible sex of my life.”

“Setting the bar high there, John.”

“I know you won't let me down.”

“I'll do my best.”

They take their seats, and John turns to him, taking both of his hands and smiling so brightly that Kaidan feels warm from the inside out. “Honestly, Kaidan? Whatever happens this week, it’s going to be amazing. Because you’ll be there. I – I know that sounds sappy but…” He shrugs, looking a little embarrassed, but he’s still smiling, like he just can’t help it. Kaidan knows the feeling; he’s smiling too. “You make me happy.”

“You make me happy, too,” Kaidan says, and kisses him, softly, lingering. “Does that make this our happy ever after?”

John chuckles, and cocks his head. “That sounds like it’s asking for trouble, and we’ve got enough of that without asking for it. How about happy for now?”

“Happy for now,” Kaidan repeats, then nods, squeezing John’s hand as the shuttle takes off and heads over to the mass relay. Soft purple light from the nebula streams into the shuttle, giving it a romantic atmosphere despite the weary travellers crammed in every seat. “Yeah, I like the sound of that.”

With the galaxy going to hell there’s no way a happy ever after is happening any time. But happy for nows? Those they can do. Despite the geth and the Reapers and everything else that fate has in store for them, with John at his side, Kaidan thinks that they’ve got a lot of those coming their way. 

Happy for nows. 

And eventually? 

Kaidan looks at John as he gazes out of the window, and his heart hurts with how much he loves him. With how right this feels to be with him, how much he feels like he belongs. 

Eventually, he’s sure, they’ll have that happy ever after. 

They deserve it.

**Author's Note:**

> [Note for artist to go here]
> 
> Thank you SO much for reading! This has been a heck of a journey. Over the few months of the MEBB I've moved flat, been in hospital, joined a new fandom (though I'll always love these guys!), gotten a tattoo, got a new job... It's been a busy few months! But I got here eventually, and if you're reading this - _you_ got here too, and I am so very grateful  <3 I hope you've enjoyed the ride!
> 
> You can find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/adelaide_rain) and [tumblr.](http://raininginadelaide.tumblr.com)


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